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        Bukowski, Charles: [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
        Sense (1986)] 
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Bukowski, Charles: You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986) , 
Black Sparrow Press

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Bukowski, Charles: You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986) 
Alexandria, VA 1998 
Chadwyck-Healey, Inc. 
American Poetry 2 Full-Text Database 
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Bibliographic details for the Source Text

Bukowski, Charles (1920-1994) 
You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
Santa Rosa 
Black Sparrow Press 1986 
313 p. 
Preliminaries omitted [Note: 1Kb]  
Copyright © 1986 by Charles Bukowski. Black Sparrow Press 
ISBN 0876856830 

Volume 

[Page]

by Charles Bukowski 
Flower, Fist and Bestial Wail (1960)
Longshot Pomes for Broke Players (1962)
Run with the Hunted (1962)
It Catches My Heart in Its Hands (1963)
Crucifix in a Deathhand (1965)
Cold Dogs in the Courtyard (1965)
Confessions of a Man Insane Enough to Live with Beasts (1965)
All the Assholes in the World and Mine (1966)
At Terror Street and Agony Way (1968)
Poems Written Before Jumping out of an 8 Story Window (1968)
Notes of a Dirty Old Man (1969)
The Days Run Away Like Wild Horses Over the Hills (1969)
Fire Station (1970)
Post Office (1971)
Mockingbird Wish Me Luck (1972)
Erections, Ejaculations, Exhibitions and General Tales of Ordinary Madness 
(1972)
South of No North (1973)
Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame: Selected Poems 1955-1973 (1974)
Factotum (1975)
Love Is a Dog from Hell: Poems 1974-1977 (1977)
Women (1978)
Play the Piano Drunk / Like a Percussion Instrument / Until the Fingers Begin to 
Bleed a Bit (1979)
Dangling in the Tournefortia (1981)
Ham on Rye (1982)
Bring Me Your Love (1983)
Hot Water Music (1983)
There's No Business (1984)
War All the Time: Poems 1981-1984 (1984)
You Get So Alone at Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986)
The Movie: "Barfly" (1987)
The Roominghouse Madrigals: Early Selected Poems 1946-1966 (1988)
Hollywood (1989)
Septuagenarian Stew: Stories & Poems (1990)
The Last Night of the Earth Poems (1992)
Run with the Hunted: A Charles Bukowski Reader (1993)
Screams from the Balcony: Selected Letters 1960-1970 (1993)
Pulp (1994)
Shakespeare Never Did This (augmented edition) (1995)
Living on Luck: Selected Letters 1960s-1970s, Volume 2 (1995)
Betting on the Muse: Poems & Stories (1996)
Bone Palace Ballet: New Poems (1997)

[Page 4]

Preface 
Some of these poems have appeared or will appear in the following magazines: 
Aileron, Clock Radio, New York Quarterly, Planet Detroit, Poetry L.A., Poetry 
Now, Prism, Random Weirdness, and Wormwood Review. Grateful acknowledgement is 
made to the editors.

[Page 5]

Dedication 
for Jeff Copland

[Page 13]

Bukowski, Charles:1813-1883 [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            listening to Wagner 
2            as outside in the dark the wind blows a cold rain the 
3            trees wave and shake lights go 
4            off and on the walls creak and the cats run under the 
5            bed ... 

6            Wagner battles the agonies, he's emotional but 
7            solid, he's the supreme fighter, a giant in a world of 
8            pygmies, he takes it straight on through, he breaks 
9            barriers 
10          an 
11          astonishing FORCE of sound as 

12          everything here shakes 
13          shivers 
14          bends 
15          blasts 
16          in fierce gamble 

17          yes, Wagner and the storm intermix with the wine as 
18          nights like this run up my wrists and up into my head and 
19          back down into the 
20          gut 

21          some men never 
22          die 
23          and some men never 
24          live 

25          but we're all alive 
26          tonight.

[Page 14]

Bukowski, Charles:red Mercedes [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            naturally, we are all caught in 
2            downmoods, it's a matter of 
3            chemical imbalance 
4            and an existence 
5            which, at times, 
6            seems to forbid 
7            any real chance at 
8            happiness. 

9            I was in a downmood 
10          when this rich pig 
11          along with his blank 
12          inamorata 
13          in this red Mercedes 
14          cut 
15          in front of me 
16          at racetrack parking. 

17          it clicked inside of me 
18          in a flash: 
19          I'm going to pull that fucker 
20          out of his car and 
21          kick his 
22          ass! 

23          I followed him 
24          into Valet parking 
25          parked behind him 
26          and jumped from my 
27          car 
28          ran up to his 
29          door 
30          and yanked at 

[Page 15]

31          it. 
32          it was 
33          locked. 
34          the 
35          windows were 
36          up. 

37          I rapped on the window 
38          on his 
39          side: 
40          "open up! I'm gonna 
41          bust your 
42          ass!" 

43          he just sat there 
44          looking straight 
45          ahead. 
46          his woman did 
47          likewise. 
48          they wouldn't look 
49          at me. 

50          he was 30 years 
51          younger 
52          but I knew I could 
53          take him 
54          he was soft and 
55          pampered. 

56          I beat on the window 
57          with my 
58          fist: 
59          "come on out, shithead, 
60          or I'm going to start 
61          breaking 
62          glass!" 

[Page 16]

63          he gave a small nod 
64          to his 
65          woman. 

66          I saw her reach 
67          into the glove 
68          compartment 
69          open it 
70          and slip him the 
71          .32 

72          I saw him hold it 
73          down low 
74          and snap off the 
75          safety. 

76          I walked off 
77          toward the 
78          clubhouse, it looked 
79          like a damned good 
80          card 
81          that 
82          day. 

83          all I had to do 
84          was 
85          be there.

[Page 17]

Bukowski, Charles:retired [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            pork chops, said my father, I love 
2            pork chops! 

3            and I watched him slide the grease 
4            into his mouth. 

5            pancakes, he said, pancakes with 
6            syrup, butter and bacon! 

7            I watched his lips heavy wetted with 
8            all that. 

9            coffee, he said, I like coffee so hot 
10          it burns my throat! 

11          sometimes it was too hot and he spit it 
12          out across the table. 

13          mashed potatoes and gravy, he said, I 
14          love mashed potatoes and gravy! 

15          he jowled that in, his cheeks puffed as 
16          if he had the mumps. 

17          chili and beans, he said, I love chili and 
18          beans! 

19          and he gulped it down and farted for hours 
20          loudly, grinning after each fart. 

21          strawberry shortcake, he said, with vanilla 
22          ice cream, that's the way to end a meal! 

[Page 18]

23          he always talked about retirement, about 
24          what he was going to do when he 
25          retired. 
26          when he wasn't talking about food he talked 
27          on and on about 
28          retirement. 

29          he never made it to retirement, he died one day while 
30          standing at the sink 
31          filling a glass of water. 
32          he straightened like he'd been 
33          shot. 
34          the glass fell from his hand 
35          and he dropped backwards 
36          landing flat 
37          his necktie slipping to the 
38          left. 

39          afterwards 
40          people said they couldn't believe 
41          it. 
42          he looked 
43          great. 
44          distinguished white 
45          sideburns, pack of smokes in his 
46          shirt pocket, always cracking 
47          jokes, maybe a little 
48          loud and maybe with a bit of bad 
49          temper 
50          but all in all 
51          a seemingly sound 
52          individual 

53          never missing a day 
54          of work.

[Page 19]

Bukowski, Charles:working it out [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            in this steamy a.m. Hades claps its Herpes hands and 
2            a woman sings through my radio, her voice comes clambering 
3            through the smoke, and the wine fumes ... 

4            it's a lonely time, she sings, and you're not 
5            mine and it makes me feel so bad, 
6            this thing of being me ... 

7            I can hear cars on the freeway, it's like a distant sea 
8            sludged with people 
9            while over my other shoulder, far over on 7th street 
10          near Western 
11          is the hospital, that house of agony--- 
12          sheets and bedpans and arms and heads and 
13          expirations; 
14          everything is so sweetly awful, so continuously and 
15          sweetly awful: the art of consummation: life eating 
16          life ... 
17          once in a dream I saw a snake swallowing its own 
18          tail, it swallowed and swallowed until 
19          it got halfway round, and there it stopped and 
20          there it stayed, it was stuffed with its own 
21          self. some fix, that. 
22          we only have ourselves to go on, and it's 
23          enough ... 

24          I go downstairs for another bottle, switch on the 
25          cable and there's Greg Peck pretending he's 
26          F. Scott and he's very excited and he's reading his 
27          manuscript to his lady. 
28          I turn the set 
29          off. 

[Page 20]

30          what kind of writer is that? reading his pages to 
31          a lady? this is a violation ... 

32          I return upstairs and my two cats follow me, they are 
33          fine fellows, we have no discontent, we have no 
34          arguments, we listen to the same music, never vote for a 
35          president. 
36          one of my cats, the big one, leaps on the back 
37          of my chair, rubs against my shoulders and 
38          neck. 

39          "no good," I tell him, "I'm not going 
40          to read you this 
41          poem." 

42          he leaps to the floor and walks out to the 
43          balcony and his buddy 
44          follows. 

45          they sit and watch the night; we've got the 
46          power of sanity here. 

47          these early a.m. mornings when almost everybody 
48          is asleep, small night bugs, winged things 
49          enter, and circle and whirl. 
50          the machine hums its electric hum, and having 
51          opened and tasted the new bottle I type the next 
52          line. you 
53          can read it to your lady and she'll probably tell you 
54          it's nonsense. she'll be 
55          reading Tender Is the 
56          Night.

[Page 21]

Bukowski, Charles:beasts bounding through time--- [from You Get So Alone At 
Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            Van Gogh writing his brother for paints 
2            Hemingway testing his shotgun 
3            Celine going broke as a doctor of medicine 
4            the impossibility of being human 
5            Villon expelled from Paris for being a thief 
6            Faulkner drunk in the gutters of his town 
7            the impossibility of being human 
8            Burroughs killing his wife with a gun 
9            Mailer stabbing his 
10          the impossibility of being human 
11          Maupassant going mad in a rowboat 
12          Dostoevsky lined up against a wall to be shot 
13          Crane off the back of a boat into the propeller 
14          the impossibility 
15          Sylvia with her head in the oven like a baked potato 
16          Harry Crosby leaping into that Black Sun 
17          Lorca murdered in the road by the Spanish troops 
18          the impossibility 
19          Artaud sitting on a madhouse bench 
20          Chatterton drinking rat poison 
21          Shakespeare a plagiarist 
22          Beethoven with a horn stuck into his head against deafness 
23          the impossibility the impossibility 
24          Nietzsche gone totally mad 
25          the impossibility of being human 
26          all too human 
27          this breathing 
28          in and out 
29          out and in 
30          these punks 
31          these cowards 
32          these champions 
33          these mad dogs of glory 

[Page 22]

34          moving this little bit of light toward 
35          us 
36          impossibly.

[Page 23]

Bukowski, Charles:trashcan lives [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            the wind blows hard tonight 
2            and it's a cold wind 
3            and I think about 
4            the boys on the row. 
5            I hope some of them have a bottle 
6            of red. 

7            it's when you're on the row 
8            that you notice that 
9            everything 
10          is owned 
11          and that there are locks on 
12          everything. 
13          this is the way a democracy 
14          works: 
15          you get what you can, 
16          try to keep that 
17          and add to it 
18          if possible. 

19          this is the way a dictatorship 
20          works too 
21          only they either enslave or 
22          destroy their 
23          derelicts. 

24          we just forget 
25          ours. 

26          in either case 
27          it's a hard 
28          cold 
29          wind.

[Page 24]

Bukowski, Charles:the lost generation [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            have been reading a book about a rich literary lady 
2            of the twenties and her husband who 
3            drank, ate and partied their way through 
4            Europe 
5            meeting Pound, Picasso, A. Huxley, Lawrence, Joyce, 
6            F. Scott, Hemingway, many 
7            others; 
8            the famous were like precious toys to 
9            them, 
10          and the way it reads 
11          the famous allowed themselves to become 
12          precious toys. 
13          all through the book 
14          I waited for just one of the famous 
15          to tell this rich literary lady and her 
16          rich literary husband to 
17          get off and out 
18          but, apparently, none of them ever 
19          did. 
20          Instead they were photographed with the lady 
21          and her husband 
22          at various seasides 
23          looking intelligent 
24          as if all this was part of the act 
25          of Art. 
26          perhaps because the wife and husband 
27          fronted a lush press that 
28          had something to do 
29          with it. 
30          and they were all photographed together 
31          at parties 
32          or outside of Sylvia Beach's bookshop. 
33          it's true that many of them were 

[Page 25]

34          great and/or original artists, 
35          but it all seems such a snobby precious 
36          affair, 
37          and the husband finally committed his 
38          threatened suicide 
39          and the lady published one of my first 
40          short stories in the 
41          40's and is now 
42          dead, yet 
43          I can't forgive either of them 
44          for their rich dumb lives 
45          and I can't forgive their precious toys 
46          either 
47          for being 
48          that.

[Page 26]

Bukowski, Charles:no help for that [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            there is a place in the heart that 
2            will never be filled 

3            a space 

4            and even during the 
5            best moments 
6            and 
7            the greatest 
8            times 

9            we will know it 

10          we will know it 
11          more than 
12          ever 

13          there is a place in the heart that 
14          will never be filled 

15          and 

16          we will wait 
17          and 
18          wait 

19          in that 
20          space.

[Page 27]

Bukowski, Charles:my non-ambitious ambition [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            my father had little sayings which he mostly shared 
2            during dinner sessions; food made him think of 
3            survival: 
4            "succeed or suck eggs ..." 
5            "the early bird gets the worm ..." 
6            "early to bed and early to rise makes a man (etc.) ..." 
7            "anybody who wants to can make it in America ..." 
8            "God takes care of those who (etc.) ..." 

9            I had no particular idea who he was talking 
10          to, and personally I thought him a 
11          crazed and stupid brute 
12          but my mother always interspersed these 
13          sessions with: "Henry, listen to your 
14          father." 

15          at that age I didn't have any other 
16          choice 
17          but as the food went down with the 
18          sayings 
19          the appetite and the digestion went 
20          along with them. 

21          it seemed to me that I had never met 
22          another person on earth 
23          as discouraging to my happiness 
24          as my father. 

25          and it appeared that I had 
26          the same effect upon 
27          him. 

[Page 28]

28          "You are a bum," he told me, "and you'll 
29          always be a bum!" 

30          and I thought, if being a bum is to be the 
31          opposite of what this son-of-a-bitch 
32          is, then that's what I'm going to 
33          be. 

34          and it's too bad he's been dead 
35          so long 
36          for now he can't see 
37          how beautifully I've succeeded 
38          at 
39          that.

[Page 29]

Bukowski, Charles:education [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            at that small inkwell desk 
2            I had trouble with the words 
3            "sing" and "sign." 
4            I don't know why 
5            but 
6            "sing" and "sign": 
7            it bothered 
8            me. 

9            the others went on and learned 
10          new things 
11          but I just sat there 
12          thinking about 
13          "sing" and "sign." 
14          there was something there 
15          I couldn't 
16          overcome. 

17          what it gave me was a 
18          bellyache as 
19          I looked at the backs of all those 
20          heads. 

21          the lady teacher had a 
22          very fierce face 
23          it ran sharply to a 
24          point 
25          and was heavy with white 
26          powder. 

27          one afternoon 
28          she asked my mother to come 
29          see her 

[Page 30]

30          and I sat with them 
31          in the classroom 
32          as they 
33          talked. 

34          "he's not learning 
35          anything," the teacher 
36          told my 
37          mother. 

38          "please give him a 
39          chance, Mrs. Sims!" 

40          "he's not trying, Mrs. 
41          Chinaski!" 

42          my mother began to 
43          cry. 

44          Mrs. Sims sat there 
45          and watched 
46          her. 

47          it went on for some 
48          minutes. 

49          then Mrs. Sims said, 
50          "well, we'll see what we 
51          can do ..." 

52          then I was walking with 
53          my mother 
54          we were walking in 
55          front of the school, 
56          there was much green grass 

[Page 31]

57          and then the 
58          sidewalk. 

59          "oh, Henry," my mother said, 
60          "your father is so disappointed in 
61          you, I don't know what we are 
62          going to do!" 

63          father, my mind said, 
64          father and father and 
65          father. 

66          words like that. 

67          I decided not to learn anything 
68          in that 
69          school. 

70          my mother walked along 
71          beside me. 
72          she wasn't anything at 
73          all. 
74          and I had a bellyache 
75          and even the trees we walked 
76          under 
77          seemed less than 
78          trees 
79          and more like everything 
80          else.

[Page 32]

Bukowski, Charles:downtown L.A. [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            throwing your shoe at 3 a.m. and smashing the window, then 
2                   sticking 
3            your head through the shards of glass and laughing as the 
4                   phone rings 
5            with authoritative threats as you curse back through the 
6                   receiver, slam 
7            it down as the woman screeches: "WHAT THE FUCK YA 
8                   DOIN', YA ASSHOLE!" 

9            you smirk, look at her (what's this?), you're cut somewhere, 
10                 love it, the 
11          dripping of red onto your dirty torn undershirt, the whiskey 
12                 roaring 
13          through your invincibility: you're young, you're big, and the 
14                 world 
15          stinks from centuries of Humanity while 

16          you're on course 
17          and there's something left to drink--- 
18          it's good, it's a dramatic farce and you can handle it with 
19          verve, style, grace and elite 
20          mysticism. 

21          another hotel drunk---thank god for hotels and whiskey and 
22                 ladies of the 
23          street! 

24          you turn to her: "you chippy hunk of shit, don't bad mouth 
25                 me! I'm 
26          the toughest guy in town, you don't know who the hell you're 
27                 in this room 
28          with!" 

[Page 33]

29          she just looks, half-believing ... a cigarette dangling, she's half- 

30          insane, looking for an out; she's hard, she's scared, she's been 
31          fooled, taken, abused, used, over- 
32          used ... 

33          but, under all that, to me she's the flower, I see her as she was 
34          before she was ruined by the lies: theirs and 
35          hers. 

36          to me, she's new again as I am new: we have a chance 
37          together. 

38          I walk over and fill her drink: "you got class, doll, you're not 
39                 like the 
40          others ..." 

41          she likes that and I like it too because to make a thing true all 
42                 you've 
43          got to do is believe. 

44          I sit across from her as she tells me about her life, I give her 
45                 refills, 
46          light her cigarettes, I listen and the City of the Angels 
47          listens: she's had a hard row. 

48          I get sentimental and decide not to fuck her: one more man for 
49                 her 
50          won't help and one more woman for me won't 
51          matter---besides, she doesn't look that 
52          good. 

53          actually, her life is boring and rather common but most are--- 
54                 mine is too 
55          except when lifted by 
56          whiskey 

[Page 34]

57          she gets into a crying-jag, she's cute, really, and pitiful, all she 

58                 wants 
59          is what she always wanted, only it's getting further and further 
60          away. 

61          then she stops crying, we just drink and smoke, it's 
62          peaceful---I won't bother her that 
63          night ... 

64          I have trouble trying to yank the pull-down bed from the wall, 
65                 she 
66          comes up to help, we pull together---suddenly, it 
67                 releases---flings 
68          itelf upon us, a hard death-like mindless object, it knocks us 
69                 upon 
70          our asses beneath it as 
71          first in fear we scream 
72          then begin laughing, laughing like 
73          crazy. 

74          she gets the bathroom first, then I use it, then we stretch out 
75                 and 
76          sleep. 

77          I am awakened in the early morning ... she is down at my 
78                 center, she has 
79          me in her mouth and is working furiously. 

80          "it's all right," I say, "you don't have to do 
81          that." 

82          she continues, finishes ... 

[Page 35]

83          in the morning we pass the desk clerk, he has on thick-rimmed 
84                 dark glasses, 
85          seems to sit in the shade of some tarantula dream: he was there 
86                 when we 
87          entered, he is there now: some eternal darkness, we are almost 
88                 to the door 
89          when he says: 
90          "don't come back." 

91          we walk 2 blocks up, turn left, walk one block, then one block 
92                 south, enter 
93          Willie's at the middle of the 
94          block, place ourselves at bar 
95          center. 

96          we order beer for starters, we sit there as she searches her purse 
97                 for 
98          cigarettes, then I get up, move toward the juke box, put a coin 
99          within, come back, sit down, she lifts her glass, "the first one's 
100               best," 
101        and I lift my drink, "and the last ..." 

102        outside, the traffic runs up and down, down and 
103        up, 
104        going 
105        nowhere.

[Page 36]

Bukowski, Charles:another casualty [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            cat got run over 
2            now silver screw holding together a broken 
3            femur 
4            right leg 
5            bound in bright red 
6            bandage 

7            got cat home from vet's 
8            took my eye off 
9            him for 
10          a moment 

11          he ran across floor 
12          dragging his red 
13          leg 
14          chasing the female 
15          cat 

16          worst thing the 
17          fucker could 
18          do 

19          he's in the penalty 
20          box 
21          now 
22          sweating it 
23          out 

24          he's just like the 
25          rest of 
26          us 

27          he has these large 

[Page 37]

28          yellow eyes 
29          staring 

30          only wanting to 
31          live the 
32          good 
33          life.

[Page 38]

Bukowski, Charles:driving test [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            drivers 
2            in defense and anger 
3            often give the 
4            finger 
5            to those 
6            who become involved in their 
7            driving problems. 

8            I am aware what the 
9            signal of the finger 
10          implies 
11          yet when it is directed 
12          at me 
13          sometimes 
14          I can't help laughing at 
15          the florid 
16          twisted 
17          faces 
18          and 
19          the gesture. 

20          yet today 
21          I found myself 
22          giving the finger 
23          to some guy 
24          who pulled directly 
25          into my lane 
26          without waiting 
27          from a supermarket 
28          exit. 

29          I shook the finger at 
30          him. 

[Page 39]

31          he saw it 
32          and I drove along right on his 
33          rear 
34          bumper. 

35          it was my first 
36          time. 

37          I was a member of the 
38          club 
39          and I felt like a 
40          fucking 
41          fool.

[Page 40]

Bukowski, Charles:that's why funerals are so sad [from You Get So Alone At Times 
That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            he's got all the tools but he's lazy, has no 
2            fire, the ladies drain his senses, his 
3            emotions, he just wants to drive his 
4            flashy car 
5            he gets a wax job once a month 
6            throws away his shoes when they get 
7            scuffed 
8            but 
9            he's got the best right hand in the 
10          business 
11          and his left hook can cave in a man's ribs 
12          if I can get him to do it 
13          but 
14          he has no god damned imagination 
15          he's in the top ten 
16          but the music is missing. 
17          he makes the money 
18          but it's all going to get away from 
19          him. 
20          some day he's not going to be able to do 
21          even the little 
22          he's doing now. 
23          his idea of victory is to pull down as 
24          many women's panties as he 
25          can. 
26          he's 
27          champ at that. 
28          and when you see me screaming at him 
29          in his corner between 
30          rounds 
31          I'm trying to awaken him to the fact that 
32          the TIME is 
33          NOW. 

[Page 41]

34          he just grins at me: 
35          "hell, you fight him, he's a 
36          bitch ..." 

37          you have no idea, cousin, how many 
38          men 
39          can do it 
40          but 
41          won't.

[Page 42]

Bukowski, Charles:cornered [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            well, they said it would come to 
2            this: old. talent gone. fumbling for 
3            the word 

4            hearing the dark 
5            footsteps, I turn 
6            look behind me ... 

7            not yet, old dog ... 
8            soon enough. 

9            now 
10          they sit talking about 
11          me: "yes, it's happened, he's 
12          finished ... it's 
13          sad ..." 

14          "he never had a great deal, did 
15          he?" 

16          "well, no, but now ..." 

17          now 
18          they are celebrating my demise 
19          in taverns I no longer 
20          frequent. 

21          now 
22          I drink alone 
23          at this malfunctioning 
24          machine 

[Page 43]

25          as the shadows assume 
26          shapes 
27          I fight the slow 
28          retreat 

29          now 
30          my once-promise 
31          dwindling 
32          dwindling 

33          now 
34          lighting new cigarettes 
35          pouring more 
36          drinks 

37          it has been a beautiful 
38          fight 

39          still 
40          is.

[Page 44]

Bukowski, Charles:bumming with Jane [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            there wasn't a stove 
2            and we put cans of beans 
3            in hot water in the sink 
4            to heat them 
5            up 
6            and we read the Sunday papers 
7            on Monday 
8            after digging them out of the 
9            trash cans 
10          but somehow we managed 
11          money for wine 
12          and the 
13          rent 
14          and the money came off 
15          the streets 
16          out of hock shops 
17          out of nowhere 
18          and all that mattered 
19          was the next 
20          bottle 
21          and we drank and sang 
22          and 
23          fought 
24          were in and out 
25          of drunk 
26          tanks 
27          car crashes 
28          hospitals 
29          we barricaded ourselves 
30          against the 
31          police 
32          and the other roomers 
33          hated 

[Page 45]

34          us 
35          and the desk clerk 
36          of the hotel 
37          feared 
38          us 
39          and it went on 
40          and 
41          on 
42          and it was one of the 
43          most wonderful times 
44          of my 
45          life.

[Page 46]

Bukowski, Charles:darkness [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            darkness falls upon Humanity 
2            and faces become terrible 
3            things 
4            that wanted more than there 
5            was. 

6            all our days are marked with 
7            unexpected 
8            affronts---some 
9            disastrous, others 
10          less so 
11          but the process is 
12          wearing and 
13          continuous. 
14          attrition rules. 
15          most give 
16          way 
17          leaving 
18          empty spaces 
19          where people should 
20          be. 

21          our progenitors, our 
22          educational systems, the 
23          land, the media, the 
24          way 
25          have 
26          deluded and misled the 
27          masses: they have been 
28          defeated 
29          by the aridity of 
30          the actual 
31          dream. 

[Page 47]

32          they were 
33          unaware that 
34          achievement or victory or 
35          luck or 
36          whatever the hell you 
37          want to call 
38          it 
39          must have 
40          its defeats. 

41          it's only the re-gathering and 
42          going on 
43          which lends substance 
44          to whatever magic 
45          might possibly 
46          evolve. 

47          and now 
48          as we ready to self-destruct 
49          there is very little left to 
50          kill 

51          which makes the tragedy 
52          less and more 
53          much much 
54          more.

[Page 48]

Bukowski, Charles:termites of the page [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            the problem that I've found with 
2            most poets that I have known is that 
3            they've never had an 8 hour job 
4            and there is nothing 
5            that will put a person 
6            more in touch 
7            with the realities 
8            than 
9            an 8 hour job. 

10          most of these poets 
11          that I have known 
12          have 
13          seemingly existed on 
14          air alone 
15          but 
16          it hasn't been truly 
17          so: 
18          behind them has been 
19          a family member 
20          usually a wife or mother 
21          supporting these 
22          souls 
23          and 
24          so it's no wonder 
25          they have written so 
26          poorly: 
27          they have been protected 
28          against the actualities 
29          from the 
30          beginning 
31          and they 
32          understand nothing 

[Page 49]

33          but the ends of their 
34          fingernails 
35          and 
36          their delicate 
37          hairlines 
38          and 
39          their lymph 
40          nodes. 

41          their words are 
42          unlived, unfurnished, un- 
43          true, and worse---so 
44          fashionably 
45          dull. 

46          soft and safe 
47          they gather together to 
48          plot, hate, 
49          gossip, most of these 
50          American poets 
51          pushing and hustling their 
52          talents 
53          playing at 
54          greatness. 

55          poet (?): 
56          that word needs re- 
57          defining. 

58          when I hear that 
59          word 
60          I get a rising in the 
61          gut 
62          as if I were about to 
63          puke. 

[Page 50]

64          let them have the 
65          stage 
66          so long 
67          as I need not be 
68          in the 
69          audience.

[Page 51]

Bukowski, Charles:a good time [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            now look, she said, stretched out on the bed, I don't want 
2                   anything 
3            personal, let's just do it, I don't want to get involved, got 
4            it? 

5            she kicked off her high-heeled shoes ... 

6            sure, he said, standing there, let's just pretend that we've 
7            already done it, there's nothing less involved than that, is 
8            there? 

9            what the hell do you mean? she asked. 

10          I mean, he said, I'd rather drink 
11          anyhow. 

12          and he poured himself one. 

13          it was a lousy night in Vegas and he walked to the window 
14                 and 
15          looked out at the dumb lights. 

16          you a fag? she asked, you a god damned 
17          fag? 

18          no, he said. 

19          you don't have to get shitty, she said, just because you lost at 
20          the tables---we drove all the way here to have a good time and 
21          now look at you: sucking at that booze, you coulda done that 
22                 in 
23          L.A.! 

[Page 52]

24          right, he said, one thing I do like to get involved with is the 
25          fucking bottle. 

26          I want you to take me home, she said. 

27          my pleasure, he said, let's 
28          go. 

29          it was one of those times where nothing was lost because 
30                 nothing 
31          had ever been found and as she got dressed it was sad for 
32          him 
33          not because of him and the lady but because of all the millions 
34          like him and the lady 
35          as the lights blinked out there, everything so effort- 
36          lessly false. 

37          she was ready, fast: let's get the hell out of here, she 
38          said. 

39          right, he said, and they walked out the door together.

[Page 53]

Bukowski, Charles:the still trapeze [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            Saroyan told his wife, "I've got to 
2            gamble in order to 
3            write." she told him to 
4            go ahead. 

5            he lost $350,000.00 
6            mostly at the racetrack 
7            but still couldn't write or 
8            pay his taxes. 

9            he ran from the govt. and exiled himself 
10          in Paris. 

11          he later came back, sweated it 
12          out 
13          in hock up to his 
14          ass--- 
15          royalties dropping 
16          off. 

17          he still couldn't write or 
18          what he wrote didn't 
19          work 
20          because that tremendous 
21          brave optimism 
22          that buoyed everybody up 
23          so well 
24          during the depression 
25          just turned to 
26          sugar water 
27          during 
28          good times. 

[Page 54]

29          he died 
30          a dwindling legend 
31          with a huge handlebar 
32          mustache 
33          just like his father 
34          used to have 
35          in the old Fresno 
36          Armenian way 
37          in a world that 
38          could no longer 
39          use 
40          William.

[Page 55]

Bukowski, Charles:January [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            here 
2            you see this 
3            hand 

4            here you see this 
5            sky 
6            this 
7            bridge 

8            hear this 
9            sound 

10          the agony of the 
11          elephant 

12          the nightmare of the 
13          midget 

14          while 
15          caged parrots 
16          sit in a 
17          flourish of 
18          color 

19          while pieces of 
20          people 
21          fall over the 
22          edge 
23          like pebbles 
24          like 
25          rocks 

[Page 56]

26          madhouses screaming in 
27          pain 

28          as the royalty of the 
29          world is 
30          photographed 
31          say 
32          on horseback 
33          or 
34          say 
35          watching a procession 
36          in their 
37          honor 

38          as 
39          the junkies junk 
40          as the alkies drink 
41          as the whores whore 
42          as the killers kill 

43          the albatross blinks its 
44          eyes 

45          the weather stays 
46          mostly 
47          the same.

[Page 57]

Bukowski, Charles:sunny side down [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            NOTHING. sitting in a cafe having breakfast. NOTHING. the 
2                   waitress, 
3            and the people eating. the traffic runs by. doesn't matter what 
4            Napoleon did, what Plato said. Turgenev could have been a fly. 
5                   we are worn- 
6            down, hope stamped out. we reach for coffee cups like the 
7                   robots about 
8            to replace us. courage at Salerno, bloodbaths on the Eastern 
9                   front didn't 
10          matter. we know that we are beaten. NOTHING. now it's just 
11                 a matter of 
12          continuing 
13                          anyhow--- 
14          chew the food and read the paper. we 
15          read about ourselves. the news is 
16          bad. something about 
17          NOTHING. 
18          Joe Louis long dead as the medfly invades Beverly Hills. 
19          well, at least we can sit and 
20          eat. it's been some rough 
21          trip. it could be 
22          worse. it could be worse than 
23          NOTHING. 

24          let's get more coffee from the 
25          waitress. 
26          that bitch! she knows we are trying to get her 
27          attention. 
28          she just stands there doing 
29          NOTHING. 
30          it doesn't matter if Prince Charles falls off his horse 
31          or that the hummingbird is so seldom 
32          seen 

[Page 58]

33          or that we are too senseless to go 
34          insane. 

35          coffee. give us more of that NOTHING 
36          coffee.

[Page 59]

Bukowski, Charles:the man in the brown suit [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            fuck, he was small 
2            maybe 5-3, 
3            135 pounds, 
4            I didn't like 
5            him, 
6            he sat there at his desk 
7            at the 
8            bank 
9            and as I waited in line 
10          he seemed to have a way 
11          of glancing at 
12          me 
13          and I stared 
14          back, 
15          I don't know what 
16          it was 
17          that caused the 
18          animosity. 
19          he had this little mustache 
20          that drooped 
21          at the ends, 
22          he was in his mid-forties 
23          and like most people who worked 
24          in banks 
25          he had a non-committal 
26          yet self-important 
27          personality. 

28          one day I almost went 
29          over the railing 
30          to ask him 
31          what the hell 

[Page 60]

32          was he looking 
33          at? 

34          today I went in 
35          and stood in line 
36          and saw him leave his 
37          desk. 
38          one of the lady tellers was 
39          having a problem 
40          with a man 
41          at her 
42          window 
43          and the man 
44          in the brown suit 
45          began to hold 
46          counsel with both of 
47          them. 
48          suddenly 
49          the man in the brown suit 
50          vaulted the 
51          railing 
52          got behind the other 
53          man 
54          wrapped his arms 
55          about him 
56          then dragged him along 
57          to a latch 
58          entrance 
59          along the railing 
60          reached over 
61          unhooked the latch 
62          while still managing to 
63          hold the 
64          man. 

[Page 61]

65          then he dragged him 
66          in there 
67          latched the 
68          gate 
69          and while holding the 
70          man 
71          he told one of the 
72          girls, 
73          "Phone the 
74          police." 

75          the man he was holding was 
76          about 20, black, a good 6-2, 
77          maybe 190 pounds, 
78          and I thought, hey, 
79          break loose, man, jail is a 
80          long time. 

81          but he just stood 
82          there 
83          being 
84          held. 

85          I left before the 
86          police 
87          arrived. 

88          the next time 
89          I went to the bank 
90          the man in the brown suit 
91          was behind his 
92          desk. 
93          and when he glanced at 
94          me 
95          I smiled just a 
96          little.

[Page 62]

Bukowski, Charles:a magician, gone ... [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            they go one by one and as they do it gets closer 
2            to me and 
3            I don't mind that so much, it's 
4            just that I can't be practical about the 
5            mathematics that take others 
6            to the vanishing point. 

7            last Saturday 
8            one of racing's greatest harness drivers 
9            died---little Joe O'Brien. 
10          I had seen him win many a 
11          race. he 
12          had a peculiar rocking motion 
13          he flicked the reins 
14          and rocked his body back and 
15          forth. he 
16          applied this motion 
17          during the stretch run and 
18          it was quite dramatic and 
19          effective ... 

20          he was so small that he couldn't 
21          lay the whip on as hard as the 
22          others 
23          so 
24          he rocked and rocked 
25          in the sulky 
26          and the horse felt the lightning 
27          of his excitement 
28          that rhythmic crazy rocking was 
29          transferred from man to 
30          beast ... 
31          the whole thing had the feel of a 

[Page 63]

32          crapshooter calling to the 
33          gods, and the gods 
34          so often answered ... 

35          I saw Joe O'Brien win 
36          endless photo finishes 
37          many by a 
38          nose. 
39          he'd take a horse 
40          another driver couldn't get a 
41          run out of 
42          and Joe would put his touch 
43          to it 
44          and the animal would 
45          most often respond with 
46          a flurry of wild energy. 

47          Joe O'Brien was the finest harness driver 
48          I had ever seen 
49          and I'd seen many over the 
50          decades. 
51          nobody could nurse and cajole 
52          a trotter or a pacer 
53          like little Joe 
54          nobody could make the magic work 
55          like Joe. 

56          they go one by one 
57          presidents 
58          garbage men 
59          killers 
60          actors 
61          pickpockets 
62          boxers 
63          hit men 
64          ballet dancers 

[Page 64]

65          fishermen 
66          doctors 
67          fry cooks 
68          like 
69          that 

70          but Joe O'Brien 
71          it's going to be hard 
72          hard 
73          to find a replacement for 
74          little Joe 

75          and 
76          at the ceremony 
77          held for him 
78          at the track tonight 
79          (Los Alamitos 10-1-84) 
80          as the drivers gathered in a 
81          circle 
82          in their silks 
83          at the finish line 
84          I had to turn my back 
85          to the crowd 
86          and climb the upper grandstand 
87          steps 
88          to the wall 
89          so the people wouldn't 
90          see me 
91          cry.

[Page 65]

Bukowski, Charles:well, that's just the way it is ... [from You Get So Alone At 
Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            sometimes when everything seems at 
2            its worst 
3            when all conspires 
4            and gnaws 
5            and the hours, days, weeks 
6            years 
7            seem wasted--- 
8            stretched there upon my bed 
9            in the dark 
10          looking upward at the ceiling 
11          I get what many will consider an 
12          obnoxious thought: 
13          it's still nice to be 
14          Bukowski.

[Page 66]

Bukowski, Charles:the chemistry of things [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I always thought Mary Lou was skinny and 
2            not much to look at 
3            while almost all the other guys 
4            thought she was a 
5            hot number. 
6            maybe that's why she hung around me 
7            in Jr. High. 
8            my indifference must have attracted 
9            her. 

10          I was cool and mean in those days 
11          and when the guys asked me, 
12          "you banged Mary Lou yet?" 
13          I answered them with the 
14          truth: "she 
15          bores me." 

16          there was this guy 
17          he taught chemistry. 
18          Mr. Humm. Humm wore a little bow 
19          tie and a black coat, a 
20          cheap wrinkled job, he was 
21          supposed to have 
22          brains 

23          and one day Mary Lou came to 
24          me 
25          and said Humm kept her 
26          after class 
27          and had taken her into the 
28          closet and 
29          kissed her and 
30          fondled her 

[Page 67]

31          panties. 
32          she was crying, "what will I 
33          do?" 

34          "forget it," I told her, 
35          "those chemicals have scrambled 
36          his brain. we have an English teacher 
37          who hikes her skirt up around her 
38          hips every day and wants to go to bed with 
39          every guy in class. we enjoy her but 
40          ignore her." 

41          "why don't you beat Mr. Humm up?" 
42          she asked me. 

43          "I could but they'd transfer me to 
44          Stuart Hall." 

45          in Stuart Hall they beat the shit 
46          out of you 
47          and they ignored math, English, 
48          music, they just stuck you into auto 
49          shop 
50          where you fixed up old cars 
51          which they resold at big 
52          profits. 

53          "I thought you cared for me," said Mary 
54          Lou, "don't you realize he 
55          kissed me, stuck his tongue down my 
56          throat and had his hand up my 
57          behind?" 

58          "well," I said, "we saw Mrs. Lattimore's 
59          pussy the other day, in English." 

[Page 68]

60          Mary Lou walked off 
61          crying ... 

62          well, she told her 
63          mother and Humm got his, he 
64          had to 
65          resign, poor son of a 
66          bitch. 

67          after that the guys asked me, 
68          "hey, what do you think of Humm 
69          sticking his hand up your girl's 
70          ass?" 

71          "just another guy with no 
72          taste," I answered. 

73          I was cool and mean 
74          in those days and I went on to 
75          high school, the same one 
76          Mary Lou attended 
77          where she secretly got 
78          married 
79          during her senior year 
80          to a guy 
81          I knew, a guy I 
82          outdrank and beat the shit out of 
83          a couple of 
84          times. 

85          the guy thought he had 
86          something. 
87          he wanted me to be 
88          best man. 

[Page 69]

89          I told him, no thanks and lots of 
90          luck. 

91          I never could see what 
92          they saw in 
93          Mary Lou. 
94          and poor Humm: what a 
95          lonely sick old 
96          fart. 

97          anyhow, then I went on to 
98          city college 
99          where the only molesting I 
100        could see going on 
101        was what they did to your 
102        mind.

[Page 70]

Bukowski, Charles:rift [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
(1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            "I can't live with you anymore," 
2            she said, 
3            "look at you!" 

4            "uuh?" I 
5            asked. 

6            "look at you! 
7            sitting in that god 
8            damned 
9            chair! 
10          your belly is sticking out 
11          of your 
12          underwear, 
13          you've burnt cigarette 
14          holes in all your 
15          shirts! 
16          all you do is suck 
17          on that god damned 
18          beer, 
19          bottle after bottle, 
20          what do you get out of 
21          that?" 

22          "the damage has been 
23          done," I told 
24          her. 

25          "what're you talking 
26          about?" 

27          "nothing matters and 
28          we know nothing matters 

[Page 71]

29          and that 
30          matters ..." 

31          "you're drunk!" 

32          "come on, baby, let's get 
33          along, it's 
34          easy ..." 

35          "not for me!" she screamed, 
36          "not for 
37          me!" 

38          she ran into the bathroom to 
39          put on her 
40          makeup. 
41          I got up for another 
42          beer. 
43          I sat back down 
44          just had the new bottle 
45          to my mouth 
46          when she came out of the 
47          bathroom. 

48          "holy shit!" she screamed, 
49          "you're 
50          disgusting!" 

51          I laughed right into the 
52          bottle, gagged, spit a mouthful of 
53          beer across my 
54          undershirt. 

55          "my god!" she 
56          said. 

[Page 72]

57          she slammed the door and 
58          was gone. 

59          I looked at the closed door 
60          and at the doorknob 
61          and strangely 
62          I didn't feel 
63          alone.

[Page 73]

Bukowski, Charles:my friend, the parking lot attendant [from You Get So Alone At 
Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            ---he's a dandy 
2            ---small black mustache 
3            ---usually sucking on a cigar 

4            he tends to lean into the cars as he 
5            transacts business 

6            first time I met him, he said, 
7            "hey! ya gonna make a 
8            killin'?" 

9            "maybe," I answered. 

10          next meeting it was: 
11          "hey, Ramrod! what's 
12          happening?" 

13          "very little," I told 
14          him. 

15          next time I had my girlfriend with me 
16          and he just 
17          grinned. 

18          next time I was 
19          alone. 

20          "hey," he asked, "where's the young 
21          chick?" 

22          "I left her at home ..." 

[Page 74]

23          "Bullshit! I'll bet she dumped 
24          you!" 

25          and the next time 
26          he really leaned into the car: 

27          "what's a guy like you doing driving a 
28          BMW? I'll bet you inherited your 
29          money, you didn't get this car with your 
30          brains!" 

31          "how'd you guess?" I 
32          answered. 

33          that was some weeks ago. 
34          I haven't seen him lately. 
35          fellow like that, chances are he just moved on 
36          to better 
37          things.

[Page 75]

Bukowski, Charles:miracle [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I have just listened to this 
2            symphony which Mozart dashed off 
3            in one day 
4            and it had enough wild and crazy 
5            joy to last 
6            forever, 
7            whatever forever 
8            is 
9            Mozart came as close as 
10          possible to 
11          that.

[Page 76]

Bukowski, Charles:a non-urgent poem [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I had this fellow write me that 
2            he felt there wasn't the 
3            "urgency" in my poems 
4            of the present 
5            as compared to my poems 
6            of the past. 

7            now, if this is true 
8            why did he write me 
9            about it? 
10          have I made his days 
11          more 
12          incomplete? 
13          it's 
14          possible. 

15          well, I too have felt 
16          let down 
17          by writers 
18          I once thought were 
19          powerful 
20          or 
21          at least 
22          very damned 
23          good 
24          but 
25          I never considered 
26          writing them to 
27          inform them that I 
28          sensed their 
29          demise. 
30          I found the best thing 
31          I could do 

[Page 77]

32          was just to type away 
33          at my own work 
34          and let the dying 
35          die 
36          as they always 
37          have.

[Page 78]

Bukowski, Charles:my first affair with that older woman [from You Get So Alone 
At Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            when I look back now 
2            at the abuse I took from 
3            her 
4            I feel shame that I was so 
5            innocent, 
6            but I must say 
7            she did match me drink for 
8            drink, 
9            and I realized that her life 
10          her feelings for things 
11          had been ruined 
12          along the way 
13          and that I was no more than a 
14          temporary 
15          companion; 
16          she was ten years older 
17          and mortally hurt by the past 
18          and the present; 
19          she treated me badly: 
20          desertion, other 
21          men; 
22          she brought me immense 
23          pain, 
24          continually; 
25          she lied, stole; 
26          there was desertion, 
27          other men, 
28          yet we had our moments; and 
29          our little soap opera ended 
30          with her in a coma 
31          in the hospital, 
32          and I sat at her bed 
33          for hours 

[Page 79]

34          talking to her, 
35          and then she opened her eyes 
36          and saw me: 
37          "I knew it would be you," 
38          she said. 
39          then she closed her 
40          eyes. 

41          the next day she was 
42          dead. 

43          I drank alone 
44          for two years 
45          after that.

[Page 80]

Bukowski, Charles:the freeway life [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            some fool kept blocking me and I finally got around him, and 
2                   in the 
3            elation of freedom I ran it up to 85 (naturally, first checking 
4                   the rear 
5            view for our blue suited protectors); then I felt and heard the 
6                   SMASH of a hard 
7            object upon the bottom of my car, but wanting to make the 
8                   track I willed 
9            myself to ignore it (as if that would make it vanish) even 
10                 though I began 
11          to smell gasoline. 
12          I checked the gas gauge and it seemed to be holding ... 

13          it had been a terrible week already 
14          but, you know, defeat can strengthen just as victory can 
15                 weaken, and if 
16          you have the proper luck and the holy endurance the gods just 
17                 might deliver 
18          the proper admixture ... 
19          then 
20          traffic backed up and stopped, and then I really smelled gas and 
21                 I saw my 
22          gas gauge dipping rapidly, then my radio told me that a man 
23          3 miles up 
24          on the Vernon overpass had one leg over the side and was 
25                 threatening 
26          suicide, 
27          and there I was threatened with being blown to hell 
28          as people yelled at me that my tank was broken and pouring 
29                 gasoline; 
30          yes, I nodded back, I know, I know ... 
31          meanwhile, waving cars off and working my way over to the 
32                 outer lane 

[Page 81]

33          thinking, they are more terrorized than I am: 
34          if I go, those nearby might go also. 

35          there was no motion in the traffic---the suicide was still trying 
36                 to make 
37          up his mind and my gas gauge dipped into the red 
38          and then the necessity of being a proper citizen and waiting for 
39                 opportunity 
40          vanished and I made my move 
41          up and over a cement abutment 
42          bending my right front wheel 
43          I made it to the freeway exit which was totally 
44          clear 
45          then worked on down to a gas station on Imperial Highway 
46          parked it 
47          still dripping gas, got out, made it to the phone, got in a call 
48          for the tow truck, not a long wait at all, nice drive back in 
49                 with a black 
50          fellow who told me strange stories about stranded 
51                 motorists ... 
52          (like one woman, her hands were frozen to the wheel, took 15 
53                 minutes of 
54          talking and prying to make her let go.) 

55          had the car back in a couple of days, was driving back from the 
56                 track, 
57          hit the brake and it wouldn't go down, luckily I wasn't on the 
58                 freeway 
59          yet, cut the ignition, glided to the curb, noted that the steering 
60          column cover had ripped loose and blocked the brake, ripped 
61                 that away, then 
62          ripped some more to make sure, then a whole mass of wires 
63                 spilled out, 
64          s h i t ... 
65          I turned the key, hit the gas but the car STARTED 
66          and I drove off with the dangling wires against my leg 

[Page 82]

67          thinking 
68          do these things happen to other 
69          people or am 
70          I just the chosen one? 
71          I decided it was the latter and got onto the freeway where 
72          some guy in a volks swung over and blocked my 
73          lane 
74          whereupon I swung around the son-of-a-bitch and hit 
75          75, 80, 85 ... 
76          thinking, the courage it took to get out of bed each 
77          morning 
78          to face the same things 
79          over and over 
80          was 
81          enormous.

[Page 83]

Bukowski, Charles:the player [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I had 40 win on the 6 horse 
2            he had 2 lengths in the stretch 
3            was running along the rail 
4            when the jock whipped him 
5            right-handed 
6            and the horse hit the wood 
7            spilled 
8            threw the jock 
9            and there went the race 
10          for me. 

11          that was the 7th race 
12          and I considered that the horse 
13          might have lost 
14          anyhow 
15          and then I considered leaving 
16          but I decided to play the 
17          8th, 
18          hit 20 win on a 5 to one 
19          shot. 

20          in the 9th I went 40 win 
21          on the second favorite 
22          and when the bell rang to start them 
23          the horse reared and 
24          left my jock 
25          in the stall. 

26          I took the escalator down 
27          and walked out the 
28          gate 
29          where a young man asked me 
30          for a dollar so he could 

[Page 84]

31          take the bus 
32          home. 

33          I gave him the buck and 
34          told him, 
35          "you ought to stay away from this 
36          place." 

37          "yeah," he said, "I 
38          know." 

39          then I walked toward parking 
40          searching my coat for 
41          cigarettes. 

42          nothing.

[Page 85]

Bukowski, Charles:p.o. box 11946, Fresno, Calif. 93776 [from You Get So Alone At 
Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            drove in from the track after losing $50. 
2            a hot day out there 
3            they pack them in on a Saturday; 
4            my feet hurt and I had pains in the neck 
5            and about the shoulders--- 
6            nerves: large crowds of people more than 
7            unsettle me. 
8            pulled into the driveway and got the 
9            mail 
10          moved up and parked it 
11          went in and opened the IRS letter 
12          form 525 (SC) (Rev. 9-83) 
13          read it 
14          and was informed that I owed 
15          TWELVE THOUSAND SIXHUNDREDFOUR DOLLARS 
16                 AND 
17          SEVENTY EIGHT CENTS 
18          on my 1981 income tax plus 
19          TWO THOUAND EIGHTHUNDREDEIGHTYTHREE 
20                 DOLLARS 
21          AND TWELVE CENTS interest 
22          and that further interest was being 
23          compounded 
24          DAILY. 
25          I went into the kitchen and poured a 
26          drink. 
27          life in America was a curious 
28          thing. 
29          well, I could let the interest 
30          build 
31          that's what the government 
32          did 
33          but after a while they would 

[Page 86]

34          come for me 
35          or whatever I had 
36          left. 
37          at least that $50 loss at the 
38          track didn't look so 
39          bad anymore. 
40          I'd have to go tomorrow and 
41          win $15,487.90 plus 
42          daily compounded 
43          interest. 
44          I drank to that, 
45          wishing I had purchased a 
46          Racing Form 
47          on the way 
48          out.

[Page 87]

Bukowski, Charles:poor Al [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I don't know how he does it 
2            but every woman he meets is 
3            crazy. 
4            he will get rid of one 
5            crazy woman 
6            but he never gets any 
7            relief--- 
8            another crazy moves right in 
9            with him. 

10          it's only after they move in 
11          and begin acting 
12          more than strange 
13          that they admit to him 
14          that they've done madhouse 
15          time 
16          or that their families have 
17          a long history of mental 
18          illness. 

19          his last one 
20          he sent to a shrink 
21          once a week: 
22          $75 for 45 minutes. 
23          after 7 months 
24          she walked out on the 
25          shrink 
26          and said to Al, 
27          "that god damned fag doesn't know 
28          anything." 

29          I don't know how they all find 
30          Al. 

[Page 88]

31          he says you can't tell at the first 
32          meeting 
33          they have their guard up 
34          but after 2 or 3 months the 
35          guard comes down 
36          and there's Al with 
37          another one. 

38          It got so bad that Al thought 
39          maybe it was 
40          him 
41          so he went to a shrink 
42          and asked 
43          and the shrink said, 
44          "you're one of the sanest men 
45          I've ever met." 

46          poor Al. 

47          that made him feel 
48          worse 
49          than ever.

[Page 89]

Bukowski, Charles:for my ivy league friends: [from You Get So Alone At Times 
That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            many of those I met on the reading circuit or heard about on 
2                   the reading 
3            circuit in the old days are now either teaching or poets-in- 
4                   residence 
5            and have garnered Guggenheims and N.E.A.'s and sundry other 
6                   grants. 
7            well, I tried for a Gugg once myself, even got an N.E.A. so I 
8                   can't 
9            knock the act 
10          but 
11          you should have seen them back then: raggedy-ass, wild-eyed, 
12                 raving 
13          against the order 
14          now 
15          they have been ingested, digested, rested 
16          they write reviews for the journals 
17          they write well-worked, quiet, inoffensive poesy 
18          they edit so many of the magazines that I have no idea where I 
19                 should send this 
20          poem 
21          since they attack my work with alarming regularity 
22          and 
23          I can't read theirs 
24          yet their attacks upon me have been effective in this country 
25          and 
26          if it weren't for Europe I'd probably still be a starving writer 
27          or down at the row 
28          or diggin weeds out of your garden 
29          or...? 

30          well 
31          you know the old saying: it's all a matter of 
32          taste 

[Page 90]

33          and 
34          either they're right and I'm wrong or I'm right and they're all 
35          wrong 
36          or 
37          maybe it's some place in between. 
38          most of the people in the world could care less 
39          and 
40          I often feel the same 
41          way.

[Page 91]

Bukowski, Charles:helping the old [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I was standing in line at the bank today 
2            when the old fellow in front of me 
3            dropped his glasses (luckily, within the 
4            case) 
5            and as he bent over 
6            I saw how difficult it was for 
7            him 
8            and I said, "wait, let me get 
9            them ..." 
10          but as I picked them up 
11          he dropped his cane 
12          a beautiful, black polished 
13          cane 
14          and I got the glasses back to him 
15          then went for the cane 
16          steadying the old boy 
17          as I handed him his cane. 
18          he didn't speak, 
19          he just smiled at me. 
20          then he turned 
21          forward. 

22          I stood behind him waiting 
23          my turn.

[Page 92]

Bukowski, Charles:bad times at the 3rd and Vermont hotel [from You Get So Alone 
At Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            Alabam was a sneak and a thief and he came to my 
2            room when I was drunk and 
3            each time I got up he shoved me back 
4            down. 

5            you prick, I told him, you know I can 
6            take you! 

7            he just shoved me down 
8            again. 

9            when I sober up, I said, I'm going to kick you 
10          all the way to hell! 

11          he just kept pushing me 
12          around. 

13          I finally caught him a good one, right over the 
14          temple 
15          and he backed off and 
16          left. 

17          it was a couple of days later 
18          I got even: I fucked his 
19          girl. 

20          then I went down and knocked on his 
21          door. 

22          well, Alabam, I fucked your woman and now I'm going to 
23          kick you all the way to 
24          hell! 

[Page 93]

25          the poor guy started crying, he put his hands over his 
26          face and just cried 

27          I stood there and watched 
28          him. 

29          I said, I'm sorry, 
30          Alabam. 

31          then I left him there, I went back to 
32          my room. 

33          we were all alkies and none of us had jobs, all we had 
34          was each other. 

35          even then, my so-called woman was in some bar or 
36          somewhere, I hadn't seen her in a couple of 
37          days. 

38          I had a bottle of port 
39          left. 

40          I uncorked it and took it down to Alabam's 
41          room. 

42          said, how about a drink, 
43          Rebel? 

44          he looked up, stood up, went for two 
45          glasses.

[Page 94]

Bukowski, Charles:the Master Plan [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            starving in a Philadelphia winter 
2            trying to be a writer 
3            I wrote and wrote and drank and drank and 
4            drank 
5            and then stopped writing and concentrated on 
6            the drinking. 

7            it was another 
8            art-form. 

9            if you can't have any luck with one thing you 
10          try another. 

11          of course, I had been practicing on the 
12          drinking-form 
13          since the age of 
14          15. 

15          and there was much competition 
16          in that field 
17          also. 

18          it was a world full of drunks and writers and 
19          drunk writers. 

20          and so 
21          I became a starving drunk instead of a starving 
22          writer. 

23          the best thing was the instant 
24          result. 
25          and I soon became the biggest and 
26          best drunk in the neighborhood and 

[Page 95]

27          maybe the whole 
28          city. 

29          it sure as hell beat sitting around waiting for 
30          those rejection slips from The New Yorker and The 
31          Atlantic Monthly. 

32          of course, I never really considered quitting the 
33          writing game, I just wanted to give it a 
34          ten year rest 
35          figuring if I got famous too early 
36          I wouldn't have anything left for the stretch run 
37          like I have now, thank 
38          you, 

39          with the drinking still thrown 
40          in.

[Page 96]

Bukowski, Charles:garbage [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I had taken a tremendous beating, 
2            I had chosen a real bull, and because of 
3            the girls and for himself and just because of his 
4            brutal escaping energy 
5            he had almost murdered me: 
6            I learned later 
7            that even after I was out 
8            he had kicked my head again and 
9            again 
10          and then had emptied several garbage cans 
11          over me 
12          and then they had left me there 
13          in that alley. 
14          I was the guy from out of town. 

15          it was around 6 a.m. on a Sunday 
16          morning when I came 
17          around. 
18          my face was a mass of 
19          bruises, scabs, clots, bumps, lumps, my lips 
20          thick and numb, my eyes almost swollen 
21          shut 
22          but I got to my feet and began 
23          walking; 
24          I could see traces of the sun, houses, the shaking 
25          sidewalk as I 
26          moved toward my room 
27          then I heard shuffling sounds from the 
28          center of the street 
29          and I forced my eyes to 
30          focus and saw this 
31          man staggering 
32          his clothing ripped and bloody 

[Page 97]

33          he smelled of death and darkness 
34          but he kept moving forward 
35          down the middle of the street 
36          as if he had been walking for 
37          miles 
38          from some event so ugly that 
39          the mind itself might refuse to accept it 
40          as part of life. 
41          my impulse was to help him 
42          and I stepped off the 
43          curbing 
44          and moved toward him. 
45          he couldn't see me, he moved forward 
46          looking for somewhere to go, 
47          anywhere, and 
48          I saw one of his eyes hanging 
49          out of the socket, 
50          dangling. 
51          I backed away. 
52          he was like a creature not of the 
53          earth. 
54          I let him go 
55          by. 
56          I heard him moving away 
57          behind me 
58          those blind steps 
59          lurching, in 
60          agony, 
61          senselessly 
62          alone. 

63          I got back on the 
64          sidewalk. 
65          I got back to my 
66          room. 
67          I got myself to the 

[Page 98]

68          bed. 
69          fell face up 
70          the ceiling up there above me, 
71          I waited.

[Page 99]

Bukowski, Charles:my vanishing act [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            when I got sick of the bar 
2            and I sometimes did 
3            I had a place to go: 
4            it was a tall field of grass 
5            an abandoned 
6            graveyard. 
7            I didn't consider this to be a 
8            morbid pastime. 
9            it just seemed to be the best 
10          place to be. 
11          it offered a generous cure to 
12          the vicious hangover. 
13          through the grass I could see 
14          the stones, 
15          many were tilted 
16          at strange angles 
17          against gravity 
18          as though they must 
19          fall 
20          but I never saw one 
21          fall 
22          although there were many of those 
23          in the yard. 
24          it was cool and dark 
25          with a breeze 
26          and I often slept 
27          there. 
28          I was never 
29          bothered. 

30          each time I returned to the bar 
31          after an absence 
32          it was always the same with 

[Page 100]

33          them: 
34          "where the hell you 
35          been? we thought you 
36          died!" 

37          I was their bar freak, they needed me 
38          to make themselves feel 
39          better. 
40          just like, at times, I needed that 
41          graveyard.

[Page 101]

Bukowski, Charles:let's make a deal [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            in conjunction with 
2            these rivers of shit 
3            that keep rolling through my brain, Captain 
4            Walrus, I can only say that I hardly understand 
5            it and would say 
6            any number of HAIL MARYS 
7            to put a stop to it--- 
8            I'd even go back to living with that whore with the 
9            heart of brass just 
10          to keep these rivers of shit from rolling through my 
11          brain, Captain Walrus, but 
12          of course 
13          I would never stop playing the horses or 
14          drinking 
15          but 
16          Captain 
17          to keep these rivers from flowing 
18          I'd promise to never 
19          eat eggs again and 
20          I'd shave my head and my balls, I'd live in 
21          the state of Delaware and I'd even 
22          force myself to sit through any movie acted in by 
23          any member of the Fonda 
24          family. 

25          think about it, Captain Walrus, the 
26          plum is in the pudding and the parasol bends to 
27          the West wind 
28          I've got to do something about all 
29          this ... 
30          it seems like it never 
31          stops. 

[Page 102]

32          each man's hell is in a different 
33          place: mine is just up and 
34          behind 
35          my ruined 
36          face.

[Page 103]

Bukowski, Charles:16-bit Intel 8088 chip [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            with an Apple Macintosh 
2            you can't run Radio Shack programs 
3            in its disc drive. 
4            nor can a Commodore 64 
5            drive read a file 
6            you have created on an 
7            IBM Personal Computer. 
8            both Kaypro and Osborne computers use 
9            the CP/M operating system 
10          but can't read each other's 
11          handwriting 
12          for they format (write 
13          on) discs in different 
14          ways. 
15          the Tandy 2000 runs MS-DOS but 
16          can't use most programs produced for 
17          the IBM Personal Computer 
18          unless certain 
19          bits and bytes are 
20          altered 
21          but the wind still blows over 
22          Savannah 
23          and in the Spring 
24          the turkey buzzard struts and 
25          flounces before his 
26          hens.

[Page 104]

Bukowski, Charles:zero [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
(1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            sitting here watching the second hand on the TIMEX go 
2                   around and 
3            around ... 
4            this will hardly be a night to remember 
5            sitting here searching for blackheads on the back of my neck 
6            as other men enter the sheets with dolls of flame 
7            I look into myself and find perfect emptiness. 
8            I am out of cigarettes and don't even have a gun to point. 
9            this writer's block is my only possession. 
10          the second hand on the TIMEX still goes around and 
11          around ... 
12          I always wanted to be a writer 
13          now I'm one who can't. 

14          might as well go downstairs and watch late night tv with the 
15                 wife 
16          she'll ask me how it went 
17          I'll wave a hand nonchalantly 
18          settle down next to her 
19          and watch the glass people fail 
20          as I have failed. 

21          I'm going to walk down the stairway now 

22          what a sight: 

23          an empty man being careful not to trip and bang his empty 
24          head.

[Page 105]

Bukowski, Charles:putrefaction [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            of late 
2            I've had this thought 
3            that this country 
4            has gone backwards 
5            4 or 5 decades 
6            and that all the 
7            social advancement 
8            the good feeling of 
9            person toward 
10          person 
11          has been washed 
12          away 
13          and replaced by the same 
14          old 
15          bigotries. 

16          we have 
17          more than ever 
18          the selfish wants of power 
19          the disregard for the 
20          weak 
21          the old 
22          the impoverished 
23          the 
24          helpless. 

25          we are replacing want with 
26          war 
27          salvation with 
28          slavery. 

29          we have wasted the 
30          gains 

[Page 106]

31          we have become 
32          rapidly 
33          less. 

34          we have our Bomb 
35          it is our fear 
36          our damnation 
37          and our 
38          shame. 

39          now 
40          something so sad 
41          has hold of us 
42          that 
43          the breath 
44          leaves 
45          and we can't even 
46          cry.

[Page 107]

Bukowski, Charles:I'll take it ... [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            maybe I'm going crazy, that's all right 
2            but these poems keep rising to the top of my 
3            head with more and more 
4            force. now 
5            after the oceans of booze that I have 
6            consumed 
7            it would only seem that attrition would 
8            be my rightful reward as I continue to 
9            consume---while 
10          the madhouses, skidrows and graveyards are 
11          filled with the likes of 
12          me--- 
13          yet each night as I sit down to this machine 
14          with my bottle 
15          the poems flare and jump out, on and 
16          on---roaring in the glee of 
17          easy power: 65 years 
18          dancing---my mouth curling into a 
19          tiny grin 
20          as these keys keep meting out a 
21          substantial energy of cock- 
22          eyed miracle. 

23          the gods have been kind to me through this 
24          life-style that would have killed 
25          an ox of a man 
26          and I'm no ox of a 
27          man. 

28          I sensed from the beginning, of 
29          course, that there was a strange gnawing 
30          inside of me 

[Page 108]

31          but I never dreamed this 
32          luck 
33          this absolute shot of 
34          grace 

35          my death will at most seem 
36          an 
37          afterthought.

[Page 109]

Bukowski, Charles:supposedly famous [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            not much to hang onto in this early morning growling, 
2            my wife, poor dear, downstairs, 
3            I am at the racetrack all day and 
4            up here all night with the bottle and 
5            this machine. 
6            my wife, poor dear, may she find her place 
7            in heaven. 

8            then too 
9            the few people that I have 
10          known, the people I thought had that 
11          little extra flare 
12          that inventive humanity, well, they 
13          dissolved 
14          but 
15          being a natural loner 
16          I am not over- 
17          distraught--- 
18          there are still my 5 
19          cats: Ting, Ding, Beeker, Bleeker and 
20          Blob. 
21          not much to hang on to in this early morning growling. 
22          I am now a 
23          supposedly famous 
24          writer 
25          influencing hordes of 
26          typists. 
27          would 
28          that I could 
29          laugh 
30          at all 
31          this. 

[Page 110]

32          Fame is the last whore, all the others are 
33          gone. 

34          well, the competition ain't been 
35          much 
36          but that's no hair off my 
37          wrists: I realized all that 
38          long ago while 
39          starving and 
40          pissing out the 
41          window 
42          while smashing waterglasses of 
43          booze against the behind-in-the- 
44          rent 
45          walls. 

46          Ting, Ding, Beeker, Bleeker and 
47          Blob. 

48          now Death is a plant growing in my 
49          mind 

50          not much to hang on to in this early morning growling. 

51          I am sad for the dead and I am sad for the living 
52          but not for my 5 cats or 
53          for my wife, my wife who will 
54          find her place in 
55          heaven. 

56          and as for the people 
57          dissolved 
58          I didn't dissolve them, they dissolved 
59          themselves. 

[Page 111]

60          and that the sidewalks are empty while 
61          full of feet 
62          passing--- 
63          this is the working of the 
64          way. 
65          not much to hang on to 
66          as 
67          a man plays a piano 
68          through my radio and 
69          the walls 
70          stand up and 
71          down 

72          as the courage of everything 
73          even the fleas 
74          the lice 
75          the tarantula 
76          astounds me 
77          in this early morning 
78          growling.

[Page 112]

Bukowski, Charles:the last shot [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            here we are, once again, the last drink, the last 
2            poem---decades of this splendid luck---another drunken 
3            a.m., and not on the drunktank floor tonight waiting for 
4            the black pimp to get off the phone so I can put through my 
5                   one 
6            allowed call (so many of those a.m.s too) it took 
7            me a long time to find the most interesting person to 
8            drink with: myself, like this, now reaching to my left 
9            for the last glass of the Blood of the 
10          Lamb.

[Page 113]

Bukowski, Charles:whorehouse [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            my first experience in a whorehouse 
2            was in Tijuana. 
3            it was a large place on the edge of 
4            the city. 
5            I was 17, with two friends. 
6            we got drunk to get our guts 
7            up 
8            then went on 
9            in. 
10          the place was packed with 
11          servicemen 
12          mostly 
13          sailors. 
14          the sailors stood in long 
15          lines 
16          hollering, and beating on 
17          the doors. 

18          Lance got in a short 
19          line (the lines indicated the 
20          age of the whore: the shorter the 
21          line the older the 
22          whore) 
23          and got it over 
24          with, came out bold and 
25          grinning: "well, what you guys 
26          waiting for?" 

27          the other guy, Jack, he passed me 
28          the tequila bottle and I took a 
29          hit and passed it back and he 
30          took a hit. 

[Page 114]

31          Lance looked at us: "I'll be 
32          in the car, sleeping it 
33          off." 

34          Jack and I waited until he was 
35          gone 
36          then started walking toward the 
37          exit. 
38          Jack was wearing this big 
39          sombrero 
40          and right at the exit was an 
41          old whore sitting in a 
42          chair. 
43          she stuck out her leg 
44          barring our 
45          way: "come on, boys, I'll make 
46          it good for you and 
47          cheap!" 

48          somehow that scared the 
49          shit out of Jack and he 
50          said, "my god, I'm going to 
51          PUKE!" 

52          "NOT ON THE FLOOR!" screamed 
53          the whore 
54          and with that 
55          Jack ripped off his 
56          sombrero 
57          and holding it 
58          before him 
59          he must have puked a 
60          gallon. 

61          then he just stood there 
62          staring down 

[Page 115]

63          at it 
64          and the whore 
65          said, "get out of 
66          here!" 

67          Jack ran out the door with 
68          his sombrero 
69          and then the whore 
70          got a very kind look upon her 
71          face and said to me: 
72          "cheap!" and I walked 
73          into a room with her 
74          and there was a big fat man 
75          sitting in a chair and 
76          I asked her, "who's 
77          that?" 
78          and she said, "he's here to 
79          see that I don't get 
80          hurt." 

81          and I walked over to the 
82          man and said, "hey, how ya 
83          doin'?" 

84          and he said, "fine, 
85          señor ..." 

86          and I said, 
87          "you live around 
88          here?" 

89          and he said, "give 
90          her the 
91          money." 

92          "how much?" 

[Page 116]

93          "two dollars." 

94          I gave the lady the two 
95          dollars 
96          then walked back to the 
97          man. 

98          "I might come and live 
99          in Mexico some day," I 
100        told him. 

101        "get the hell out of 
102        here," he said, 
103        "NOW!" 

104        as I walked through the 
105        exit 
106        Jack was waiting out there 
107        without his 
108        sombrero 
109        but he was still 
110        wavering 
111        drunk. 

112        "Christ," I said, "she was 
113        great, she actually got my 
114        balls into her 
115        mouth!" 

116        we walked back to the car. 
117        Lance was passed out, we 
118        awakened him and he drove us 
119        out of 
120        there 

[Page 117]

121        somehow 
122        we got through the border 
123        crossing 

124        and all the way 
125        driving back to 
126        L.A. 

127        we rode Jack for being a 
128        chickenshit 
129        virgin. 
130        Lance did it in a gentle 
131        manner 
132        but I was loud 
133        demeaning Jack for his lack of 
134        guts 
135        and I kept at it 
136        until Jack passed out 
137        near 
138        San Clemente. 

139        I sat up there next to 
140        Lance as we passed the last 
141        tequila bottle back and 
142        forth. 

143        as Los Angeles rushed toward 
144        us 
145        Jack asked, "how was 
146        it?" 
147        and I answered 
148        in a worldly 
149        tone: "I've had 
150        better."

[Page 118]

Bukowski, Charles:starting fast [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            we each 
2            at times 
3            should 
4            remember 
5            the most 
6            elevated 
7            and 
8            lucky 
9            moment 
10          of 
11          our 
12          lives. 

13          for me 
14          it 
15          was 
16          being 
17          a 
18          very young 
19          man 
20          and 
21          sleeping 
22          penniless 
23          and 
24          friendless 
25          upon a 
26          park 
27          bench 
28          in a 
29          strange 
30          city 

[Page 119]

31          which 
32          doesn't say 
33          much 
34          for all 
35          those 
36          many 
37          decades 
38          which 
39          followed.

[Page 120]

Bukowski, Charles:the crazy truth [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            the nut in the red outfit 
2            came walking down the street 
3            talking to himself 
4            when a hotshot in a sports car 
5            cut into an alley 
6            in front of the nut 
7            who hollered, "HEY, DOG DRIP! 
8            SWINE SHIT! YOU GOT PEANUTS FOR 
9            BRAINS?" 

10          the hotshot braked his sports 
11          car, backed toward the nut, 
12          stopped, 
13          said: "WHAT'S THAT YOU SAID, 
14          BUDDY?" 

15          "I said, YOU BETTER 
16          DRIVE OFF WHILE YOU CAN, 
17          ASSHOLE!" 

18          the hotshot had his girl in the 
19          car with him and started to 
20          open the door. 

21          "YOU BETTER NOT GET OUT OF THAT 
22          CAR, PEANUT BRAIN!" 

23          the door closed and the sports car 
24          roared 
25          off. 

26          the nut in the red outfit then 
27          continued to walk down the 
28          street. 

[Page 121]

29          "THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' NOWHERE," 
30          he said, "AND IT'S GETTING TO BE 
31          LESS THAN NOTHING ALL THE 
32          TIME!" 

33          it was a great day 
34          there on 7th Street just off 
35          Weymouth 
36          Drive.

[Page 122]

Bukowski, Charles:drive through hell [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            the people are weary, unhappy and frustrated, the people are 
2            bitter and vengeful, the people are deluded and fearful, the 
3            people are angry and uninventive 
4            and I drive among them on the freeway and they project 
5            what is left of themselves in their manner of driving--- 
6            some more hateful, more thwarted than others--- 
7            some don't like to be passed, some attempt to keep others 
8            from passing 
9            ---some attempt to block lane changes 
10          ---some hate cars of a newer, more expensive model 
11          ---others in these cars hate the older cars. 

12          the freeway is a circus of cheap and petty emotions, it's 
13          humanity on the move, most of them coming from some place 
14                 they 
15          hated and going to another they hate just as much or 
16          more. 
17          the freeways are a lesson in what we have become and 
18          most of the crashes and deaths are the collision 
19          of incomplete beings, of pitiful and demented 
20          lives. 

21          when I drive the freeways I see the soul of humanity of 
22          my city and it's ugly, ugly, ugly: the living have choked the 
23          heart 
24          away.

[Page 123]

Bukowski, Charles:for the concerned: [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            if you get married they think you're 
2            finished 
3            and if you are without a woman they think you're 
4            incomplete. 

5            a large portion of my readers want me to 
6            keep writing about bedding down with madwomen and 
7            streetwalkers--- 
8            also, about being in jails and hospitals, or 
9            starving or 
10          puking my guts 
11          out. 

12          I agree that complacency hardly engenders an 
13          immortal literature 
14          but neither does 
15          repetition. 

16          for those readers now 
17          sick at heart 
18          believing that I'm a contented 
19          man--- 
20          please have some 
21          cheer: agony sometimes changes 
22          form 
23          but 
24          it never ceases for 
25          anybody.

[Page 124]

Bukowski, Charles:a funny guy [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            Schopenhauer couldn't abide the masses, 
2            they drove him mad 
3            but he was able to say, 
4            "at least, I am not them." 
5            and this consoled him to some 
6            extent 
7            and I think one of his most humorous writings 
8            was when he expostulated against some man who 
9            uselessly cracked his whip 
10          over his horse 
11          completely destroying a thought process 
12          Arthur was involved 
13          in. 

14          but the man with the whip was a part of the 
15          whole 
16          no matter how seemingly useless and 
17          stupid 
18          and once great thoughts 
19          often with time 
20          become useless and 
21          stupid. 

22          but Schopenhauer's rage was so 
23          beautiful 
24          so well placed that I laughed 
25          out loud 
26          then 
27          put him down 
28          next to Nietzsche 
29          who was also 
30          all too 
31          human.

[Page 125]

Bukowski, Charles:shoes [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
(1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            when you're young 
2            a pair of 
3            female 
4            high-heeled shoes 
5            just sitting 
6            alone 
7            in the closet 
8            can fire your 
9            bones; 
10          when you're old 
11          it's just 
12          a pair of shoes 
13          without 
14          anybody 
15          in them 
16          and 
17          just as 
18          well.

[Page 126]

Bukowski, Charles:coffee [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I was having a coffee at the 
2            counter 
3            when a man 
4            3 or 4 stools down 
5            asked me, 
6            "listen, weren't you the 
7            guy who was 
8            hanging from his 
9            heels 
10          from that 4th floor 
11          hotel room 
12          the other 
13          night?" 

14          "yes," I answered, "that 
15          was me." 

16          "what made you do 
17          that?" he asked. 

18          "well, it's pretty 
19          involved." 

20          he looked away 
21          then. 

22          the waitress 
23          who had been 
24          standing there 
25          asked me, 
26          "he was joking, 
27          wasn't 
28          he?" 

[Page 127]

29          "no," I 
30          said. 

31          I paid, got up, walked 
32          to the door, opened 
33          it. 

34          I heard the man 
35          say, "that guy's 
36          nuts." 

37          out on the street I 
38          walked north 
39          feeling 
40          curiously 
41          honored.

[Page 128]

Bukowski, Charles:together [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            HEY, I hollered across the 
2            room to her, 
3            DRINK SOME WINE OUT OF 
4            YOUR SHOE! 

5            WHY? she 
6            screamed. 

7            BECAUSE THIS USELESSNESS 
8            NEEDS SOME 
9            GAMBLE! 
10          I yelled 
11          back. 

12          HEY, the guy in the next 
13          apartment beat on the 
14          wall, I'VE GOT TO GET UP 
15          IN THE MORNING AND GO 
16          TO WORK SO FOR CHRIST'S 
17          SAKE, SHUT 
18          UP! 

19          he damn near broke the wall 
20          down and had a most 
21          powerful 
22          voice. 

23          I walked over to 
24          her, said, listen, let's 
25          be quiet, he's got some 
26          rights. 

[Page 129]

27          FUCK YOU, YOU ASSHOLE! 
28          she screamed 
29          at me. 

30          the guy began pounding 
31          on the wall 
32          again. 

33          she was right and he was 
34          right. 

35          I walked the bottle over 
36          to the window and 
37          looked out into the 
38          night. 

39          then I had a good roaring 
40          drink 
41          and I thought, we are all 
42          doomed 
43          together, that's all there is 
44          to 
45          it. (that's all there was 
46          to that particular drink, just 
47          like all the 
48          others.) 

49          then I walked 
50          back to her and 
51          she was asleep in 
52          her 
53          chair. 

54          I carried her to 
55          the bed 
56          turned out the 

[Page 130]

57          lights 
58          then sat in the 
59          chair by the 
60          window 
61          sucking at the 
62          bottle, thinking, 
63          well, I've gotten 
64          this far 
65          and that's 
66          plenty. 

67          and now 
68          she's sleeping 
69          and 
70          maybe 
71          he can 
72          too.

[Page 131]

Bukowski, Charles:the finest of the breed [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            there's nothing to 
2            discuss 
3            there's nothing to 
4            remember 
5            there's nothing to 
6            forget 

7            it's sad 
8            and 
9            it's not 
10          sad 

11          seems the 
12          most sensible 
13          thing 
14          a person can 
15          do 
16          is 
17          sit 
18          with drink in 
19          hand 
20          as the walls 
21          wave 
22          their goodbye 
23          smiles 

24          one comes through 
25          it 
26          all 
27          with a certain 
28          amount of 
29          efficiency and 

[Page 132]

30          bravery 
31          then 
32          leaves 

33          some accept 
34          the possibility of 
35          God 
36          to help them 
37          get 
38          through 

39          others 
40          take it 
41          straight on 

42          and to these 

43          I drink 
44          tonight.

[Page 133]

Bukowski, Charles:close to greatness [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            at one stage in my life 
2            I met a man who claimed to have 
3            visited Pound at St. Elizabeths. 

4            then I met a woman who not only 
5            claimed to have visited 
6            E.P. 
7            but also to have made love 
8            to him---she even showed 
9            me 
10          certain sections in the 
11          Cantos 
12          where Ezra was supposed to have 
13          mentioned 
14          her. 

15          so there was this man and 
16          this woman 
17          and the woman told me 
18          that Pound had never 
19          mentioned a visit from this 
20          man 
21          and the man claimed that the 
22          lady had had nothing to do 
23          with the 
24          master 
25          that she was a 
26          charlatan. 

27          and since I wasn't a 
28          Poundian scholar 
29          I didn't know who to 
30          believe 

[Page 134]

31          but 
32          one thing I do 
33          know: when a man is 
34          living 
35          many claim relationships 
36          that are hardly 
37          so 
38          and after he dies, well, 
39          then it's everybody's 
40          party. 

41          my guess is that Pound 
42          knew neither the lady or the 
43          gentleman 

44          or if he knew 
45          one 
46          or if he knew 
47          both 

48          it was a shameful waste of 
49          madhouse 
50          time.

[Page 135]

Bukowski, Charles:the stride [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            Norman and I, both 19, striding the streets of 
2            night ... feeling big, young young, big and 
3            young 

4            Norman said, "Jesus Christ, I bet nobody 
5            walks with giant strides like we do!" 

6            1939 
7            after having listened to 
8            Stravinsky 

9            not long 
10          after, 
11          the war got 
12          Norman. 

13          I sit here now 
14          46 years later 
15          on the second floor of a hot 
16          one a.m. morning 

17          drunk 

18          still big 
19          not 
20          so young. 

21          Norman, you would 
22          never guess 
23          what 
24          has happened to 

[Page 136]

25          me 
26          what 
27          has happened to 
28          all of 
29          us. 
30          I remember your 
31          saying: "make it or 
32          break it." 

33          neither happened and 
34          it 
35          won't.

[Page 137]

Bukowski, Charles:final story [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            god, there he is drunk again 
2            telling the same old stories 
3            over and over again 
4            as they push him for 
5            more---some with nothing 
6            else to do, others 
7            secretly snickering 
8            at this 
9            great writer 
10          babbling 
11          drooling 
12          in his little white 
13          rat 
14          whiskers 
15          talking about 
16          war 
17          talking about the 
18          wars 
19          talking about the brave 
20          fish 
21          the bullfights 
22          even about his wives. 

23          the people 
24          come into the 
25          bar 
26          night after night 
27          for the same old 
28          show 
29          which he will one day 
30          end 
31          alone 

[Page 138]

32          blowing his brains to 
33          the walls. 

34          the price of creation 
35          is never 
36          too high. 

37          the price of living 
38          with other people 
39          always 
40          is.

[Page 139]

Bukowski, Charles:friends within the darkness [from You Get So Alone At Times 
That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I can remember starving in a 
2            small room in a strange city 
3            shades pulled down, listening to 
4            classical music 
5            I was young I was so young it hurt like a knife 
6            inside 
7            because there was no alternative except to hide as long 
8            as possible--- 
9            not in self-pity but with dismay at my limited chance: 
10          trying to connect. 

11          the old composers---Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, 
12          Brahms were the only ones who spoke to me and 
13          they were dead. 

14          finally, starved and beaten, I had to go into 
15          the streets to be interviewed for low-paying and 
16          monotonous 
17          jobs 
18          by strange men behind desks 
19          men without eyes men without faces 
20          who would take my hours 
21          break them 
22          piss on them. 

23          now I work for the editors the readers the 
24          critics 

25          but still hang around and drink with 
26          Mozart, Bach, Brahms and the 
27          Bee 
28          some buddies 
29          some men 

[Page 140]

30          sometimes all we need to be able to continue alone 
31          are the dead 
32          rattling the walls 
33          that close us in.

[Page 141]

Bukowski, Charles:death sat on my knee and cracked with laughter [from You Get 
So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I was writing three short stories a week 
2            and sending them to the Atlantic Monthly 
3            they would all come back. 
4            my money went for stamps and envelopes 
5            and paper and wine 
6            and I got so thin I used to 
7            suck my cheeks 
8            together 
9            and they'd meet over the top of my 
10          tongue (that's when I thought about 
11          Hamsun's Hunger---where he ate his own 
12          flesh; I once took a bite of my wrist 
13          but it was very salty). 

14          anyhow, one night in Miami Beach (I 
15          have no idea what I was doing in that 
16          city) I had not eaten in 60 hours 
17          and I took the last of my starving 
18          pennies 
19          went down to the corner grocery and 
20          bought a loaf of bread. 
21          I planned to chew each slice slowly--- 
22          as if each were a slice of turkey 
23          or a luscious 
24          steak 
25          and I got back to my room and 
26          opened the wrapper and the 
27          slices of bread were green 
28          and mouldy. 

29          my party was not to be. 

[Page 142]

30          I just dumped the bread upon the 
31          floor 
32          and I sat on that bed wondering about 
33          the green mould, the 
34          decay. 

35          my rent money was used up and 
36          I listened to all the sounds 
37          of all the people in that 
38          roominghouse 

39          and down on the floor were 
40          the dozens of stories with the 
41          dozens of Atlantic Monthly 
42          rejection slips. 

43          it was early evening and I 
44          turned out the light and 
45          went to bed and 
46          it wasn't long before I 
47          heard the mice coming out, 
48          I heard them creeping over my 
49          immortal stories and 
50          eating the 
51          green mouldy bread. 

52          and in the morning 
53          when I awakened 
54          I saw that 
55          all that was left of the 
56          bread 
57          was the green 
58          mould. 
59          they had eaten right to the 
60          edge of the mould 
61          leasving chunks of 

[Page 143]

62          it 
63          among the stories and 
64          rejection slips 
65          as I heard the sound of 
66          my landlady's vacuum 
67          cleaner 
68          bumping down the 
69          hall 
70          slowly approaching my 
71          door.

[Page 144]

Bukowski, Charles:oh yes [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I've been so 
2            down in the mouth 
3            lately 
4            that sometimes when I 
5            bend over to 
6            lace my shoes 
7            there are 
8            three 
9            tongues.

[Page 145]

Bukowski, Charles:O tempora! O mores! [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I get these girly magazines in the mail because 
2            I'm writing short stories for them again 
3            and here in these pages are these ladies 
4            exposing their jewel boxes--- 
5            it looks more like a gynecologist's 
6            journal--- 
7            everything boldly and clinically 
8            exposed 
9            beneath bland and bored physiognomies. 
10          it's a turn-off of gigantic 
11          proportions: 
12          the secret is in the 
13          imagination--- 
14          take that away and you have dead 
15          meat. 

16          a century back 
17          a man could be driven mad 
18          by a well-turned 
19          ankle, and 
20          why not? 
21          one could imagine 
22          that the rest 
23          would be 
24          magical 
25          indeed! 

26          now they shove it at us like a 
27          McDonald's hamburger 
28          on a platter. 

29          there is hardly anything as beautiful as 
30          a woman in a long dress 

[Page 146]

31          not even the sunrise 
32          not even the geese flying south 
33          in the long V formation 
34          in the bright freshness 
35          of early morning.

[Page 147]

Bukowski, Charles:the passing of a great one [from You Get So Alone At Times 
That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            he was the only living writer I ever met who I truly 
2            admired and he was dying when I met 
3            him. 
4            (we in this game are shy on praise even toward 
5            those who do it very well, but I never had this 
6            problem with J.F.) 
7            I visited him several times at the 
8            hospital (there was never anybody else 
9            about) and upon entering his room 
10          I was never sure if he was asleep 
11          or? 

12          "John?" 

13          he was stretched there on that bed, blind 
14          and amputated: 
15          advanced 
16          diabetes. 

17          "John it's 
18          Hank ..." 

19          he would answer and then we would talk for 
20          a short bit (mostly he would talk and I would 
21          listen; after all, he was our mentor, our 
22          god): 

23          Ask the Dust 
24          Wait Until Spring, Bandini 
25          Dago Red 

26          all the others. 

[Page 148]

27          to end up in Hollywood writing 
28          movie scripts 
29          that's what killed 
30          him. 

31          "the worst thing," he told me, 
32          "is bitterness, people end up so 
33          bitter." 

34          He wasn't bitter, although he had 
35          every right to 
36          be ... 

37          at the funeral I 
38          met several of his script-writing 
39          buddies. 

40          "let's write something about 
41          John," one of them 
42          suggested. 

43          "I don't think I can," I 
44          told them. 

45          and, of course, they never 
46          did.

[Page 149]

Bukowski, Charles:the wine of forever [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            re-reading some of Fante's 
2            The Wine of Youth 
3            in bed 
4            this mid-afternoon 
5            my big cat 
6            BEAKER 
7            asleep beside 
8            me. 

9            the writing of some 
10          men 
11          is like a vast bridge 
12          that carries you 
13          over 
14          the many things 
15          that claw and tear. 

16          Fante's pure and magic 
17          emotions 
18          hang on the simple 
19          clean 
20          line. 

21          that this man died 
22          one of the slowest and 
23          most horrible deaths 
24          that I ever witnessed or 
25          heard 
26          about ... 

27          the gods play no 
28          favorites. 

[Page 150]

29          I put the book down 
30          beside me. 

31          book on one side, 
32          cat on the 
33          other ... 

34          John, meeting you, 
35          even the way it 
36          was was the event of my 
37          life. I can't say 
38          I would have died for 
39          you, I couldn't have handled 
40          it that well. 

41          but it was good to see you 
42          again 
43          this 
44          afternoon.

[Page 151]

Bukowski, Charles:true [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
(1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            one of Lorca's best lines 
2            is, 
3            "agony, always 
4            agony ..." 

5            think of this when you 
6            kill a 
7            cockroach or 
8            pick up a razor to 
9            shave 

10          or awaken in the morning 
11          to 
12          face the 
13          sun.

[Page 152]

Bukowski, Charles:Glenn Miller [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            long ago 
2            across from the campus 
3            in the malt shop 
4            the juke box going 
5            the young girls perfectly in tune 
6            dancing with the football players 
7            and the college bright boys 

8            Glenn Miller was the big thing then 
9            and everybody stepped 
10          almost everybody 
11          I sat with a couple of disciples 
12          we were supposed to be outlaws 
13          the explorers of Truth 
14          but I liked the music 
15          and the laziness of waiting 
16          as the world rushed toward war 
17          as Hitler speechified 
18          the girls whirled 
19          graceful 
20          showing leg 
21          that last bright sunshine 
22          we warmed ourselves in it 
23          shutting away everything else 
24          while the universe opened its mouth 
25          in an attempt to 
26          swallow us all.

[Page 153]

Bukowski, Charles:Emily Bukowski [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            my grandmother always attended the sunrise 
2            Easter service 
3            and the Rose Bowl 
4            parade. 

5            she also liked to go to the 
6            beach, sit on those benches 
7            facing the sea. 

8            she thought movies were 
9            sinful. 

10          she ate enormous platefuls of 
11          food. 

12          she prayed for me 
13          constantly. 

14          "poor boy: the devil is inside 
15          of you." 

16          she said the devil was 
17          inside her husband 
18          too. 

19          though not divorced 
20          they lived 
21          separately 
22          and had not seen each 
23          other 
24          for 15 years. 

[Page 154]

25          she said that hospitals were 
26          nonsense 

27          she never used them 
28          or 
29          the doctors. 

30          at 87 
31          she died one evening 
32          while feeding her 
33          canary. 

34          she liked to 
35          drop the seed 
36          into the cage 
37          while making these 
38          little 
39          bird sounds. 

40          she wasn't very 
41          interesting 
42          but few people 
43          are.

[Page 155]

Bukowski, Charles:some suggestions [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            in addition to the envy and the rancor of some of 
2            my peers 
3            there is the other thing, it comes by telephone and 
4            letter: "you are the world's greatest living 
5            writer." 

6            this doesn't please me either because somehow 
7            I believe that to be the world's greatest living 
8            writer 
9            there must be something 
10          terribly wrong with you. 

11          I don't even want to be the world's greatest 
12          dead writer. 

13          just being dead would be fair 
14          enough. 

15          also, the word "writer" is a very tiresome 
16          word. 

17          just think how much more pleasing it would be 
18          to hear: 
19          you are the world's greatest pool 
20          player 
21          or 
22          you are the world's greatest 
23          fucker 
24          or 
25          you are the world's greatest 
26          horseplayer. 

[Page 156]

27          now 
28          that 
29          would really make 
30          a man feel 
31          good.

[Page 157]

Bukowski, Charles:invasion [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I didn't know that 
2            there was anything 
3            in the closet 
4            although some nights 
5            my sleep would be 
6            interrupted by strange 
7            rumblings 
8            but 
9            I always thought 
10          these to be 
11          minor 
12          quakes. 

13          the closet was 
14          the one 
15          down the hall 
16          and 
17          was seldom 
18          used. 

19          the curious thing 
20          for me 
21          was that 
22          the cats 
23          (I had 4 of 
24          them) 
25          appeared to be 
26          leaving 
27          large 
28          droppings 
29          about 
30          (and 

[Page 158]

31          they were 
32          house-broken). 

33          then 
34          the cats 
35          vanished 
36          one by 
37          one 
38          but the fresh 
39          droppings 
40          kept 
41          appearing. 

42          it was one night 
43          while I was 
44          reading the 
45          stock market 
46          quotations 
47          that I 
48          looked up 

49          and 
50          there stood 
51          the 
52          lion 
53          in the bedroom 
54          doorway. 

55          I was 
56          in bed 
57          propped up 
58          with a 
59          couple of 
60          pillows 
61          and drinking a 

[Page 159]

62          hot 
63          chocolate. 

64          now 
65          nobody 
66          can believe 
67          a lion 
68          in a 
69          bedroom--- 
70          at least 
71          not 
72          in a city 
73          of any 
74          size. 

75          so 
76          I just kept 
77          looking at the 
78          lion 
79          and not 
80          quite 
81          believing. 

82          then 
83          it turned and 
84          walked down the 
85          stairway. 

86          I 
87          followed it--- 
88          a good 
89          18 feet 
90          behind--- 
91          clutching my 
92          baseball bat 

[Page 160]

93          in one 
94          hand 
95          and my 
96          4-inch knife 
97          in the 
98          other. 

99          I watched the 
100        lion 
101        go down the 
102        stairway 
103        then walk 
104        across the front 
105        room 

106        it paused 
107        before the large 
108        plate glass 
109        sliding 
110        doors 
111        which faced the 
112        yard and the 
113        street. 

114        they were 
115        closed. 

116        the lion 
117        emitted an 
118        impatient 
119        growl 

120        and 
121        leaped through the 
122        glass 

[Page 161]

123        crashing through 
124        into the 
125        night. 

126        I sat 
127        on the couch 
128        in the 
129        dark 
130        still unable 
131        to believe 
132        what 
133        I had 
134        seen. 

135        then 
136        I heard 
137        a scream 
138        of such utter 
139        agony and 
140        terror 
141        that 
142        for a 
143        moment 
144        I could 
145        neither 
146        see 
147        breathe nor 
148        comprehend. 

149        I rose, 
150        turned to 
151        barricade myself 
152        in the 
153        bedroom 

[Page 162]

154        only to see 
155        3 small 
156        lion cubs 
157        trundling 
158        down 
159        the stairway--- 
160        cute 
161        devilish 
162        felines 

163        as the 
164        mother 
165        returned 
166        through the 
167        night and the 
168        shattered glass 
169        door 

170        half dragging 
171        half carrying 
172        a bloodied 
173        man 
174        across the 
175        rug 
176        leaving a 
177        red 
178        trail 

179        the cubs 
180        rushed 
181        forward 
182        and the 
183        moon 
184        came through 
185        to light 

[Page 163]

186        the 
187        whirling 
188        feast.

[Page 164]

Bukowski, Charles:hard times [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            as I got out of my car down at the docks 
2            two men started walking toward 
3            me. 
4            one looked old and mean and the other was 
5            big and smiling. 
6            they were both wearing 
7            caps. 
8            they kept walking toward me. 
9            I got ready. 

10          "something bothering you guys?" 

11          "no," said the old 
12          guy. 
13          they both stopped. 
14          "don't you remember us?" 

15          "I'm not sure ..." 

16          "we painted your house." 

17          "oh, yeah ... come on, I'll buy you a 
18          beer ..." 

19          we walked toward a cafe. 

20          "you were one of the nicest guys we ever 
21          worked for ..." 

22          "yeah?" 

23          "yeah, you kept bringing us beer ..." 

[Page 165]

24          we sat at one of those rough tables 
25          overlooking the harbor. we 
26          sucked at our 
27          beers. 

28          "you still live with that young 
29          woman?" asked the old 
30          guy. 

31          "yeah. how you guys doing?" 

32          "there's no work now ..." 

33          I took out a ten and handed it to the old 
34          one. 

35          "listen, I forgot to tip you guys ..." 

36          "thanks." 

37          we sat with our beer. 
38          the canneries had shut down. 
39          Todd Shipyard had failed 
40          and was 
41          phasing them 
42          out. 
43          San Pedro was back in the 
44          30's. 

45          I finished my beer. 

46          "well, you guys, I gotta go." 

47          "where ya gonna go?" 

48          "gonna buy some fish ..." 

[Page 166]

49          I walked off toward the fish market, 
50          turned halfway there 
51          gave them 
52          thumb-up 
53          right hand. 

54          they both took their caps off and 
55          waved them. 
56          I laughed, turned, walked 
57          off. 

58          sometimes it's hard to know 
59          what to 
60          do.

[Page 167]

Bukowski, Charles:longshot [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            of course, I had lost much blood 
2            maybe it was a different kind of 
3            dying 
4            but I still had enough left to wonder 
5            about 
6            the absence of fear. 

7            it was going to be easy: they had 
8            put me in a special ward they had 
9            in that place 
10          for the poor who were 
11          dying. 
12          ---the doors were a little thicker 
13          ---the windows a little smaller 
14          and there was much 
15          wheeling in and out of 
16          bodies 
17          plus 
18          the presence of the priest 
19          giving last 
20          rites. 

21          you saw the priest all the time 
22          but you seldom saw a 
23          doctor. 

24          it was always nice to see a 
25          nurse--- 
26          they rather took the place of 
27          angels 
28          for those who 
29          believed in that sort of 
30          thing. 

[Page 168]

31          the priest kept bugging me. 

32          "no offense, Father, but I'd 
33          rather die without 
34          it," I whispered. 

35          "but on your entrance application you 
36          stated 'Catholic.'" 

37          "that was just to be 
38          social ..." 

39          "my son, once a Catholic, always a 
40          Catholic!" 

41          "Father," I whispered, "that's not 
42          true ..." 

43          the nicest thing about the place were 
44          the Mexican girls who came in to 
45          change the sheets, they giggled, they 
46          joked with the dying and 
47          they were 
48          beautiful. 

49          and the worst thing was 
50          the Salvation Army Band who 
51          came around at 
52          5:30 a.m. 
53          Easter Morning 
54          and gave us the old 
55          religious feeling---horns and drums 
56          and all, much 
57          brass and 
58          pounding, tremendous volume 

[Page 169]

59          there were 40 or so 
60          in that room 
61          and that band 
62          stiffened a good 
63          10 or 15 of us by 
64          6 a.m. 

65          and they rolled them right out 
66          to the morgue elevator 
67          over to the west, a very 
68          busy elevator. 

69          I stayed in Death's waiting room for 
70          3 days. 
71          I watched them roll out close to 
72          fifty. 

73          they finally got tired of waiting 
74          for me 
75          and rolled me 
76          out of there. 

77          a nice black homosexual fellow 
78          pushed me 
79          along. 

80          "you want to know the odds of 
81          coming out of that ward?" 
82          he asked. 

83          "yeah." 

84          "50 to one." 

[Page 170]

85          "hell, 
86          got any 
87          smokes?" 

88          "no, but I can get you 
89          some." 

90          we rolled along 
91          as the sun managed to come through the 
92          wire-webbed windows 
93          and I began to think of 
94          that first drink when 
95          I got 
96          out.

[Page 171]

Bukowski, Charles:concrete [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            he had set up the 
2            reading 

3            he was one of the foremost practitioners 
4            of concrete poetry 
5            and after I read I went 
6            up there to where he 
7            lived 

8            his place was high in the 
9            mountains and 
10          we drank and looked out the large 
11          window at very large 
12          birds 
13          flying about 

14          gliding mostly 

15          he said they were eagles 
16          (he might have been putting me 
17          on) 

18          and his wife played the 
19          piano 

20          a bit of 
21          Brahms 

22          he didn't talk 
23          much 

24          he was a concrete 
25          man 

[Page 172]

26          his wife was very 
27          beautiful 

28          and the way the eagles 
29          glided 

30          that was very beautiful 
31          also 

32          then it was twilight 

33          then it was night 

34          and you couldn't see the eagles 
35          anymore 

36          it had been an afternoon 
37          reading 

38          we drank until one 
39          a.m. 

40          then I got into my car 
41          and drove the winding 
42          narrow road 

43          d 
44            o 
45              w 
46                 n 

47          I was too drunk to fear the 
48          danger 

49          when I got to my place I 
50          drank two bottles of 

[Page 173]

51          beer and went to 
52          bed. 

53          then the phone 
54          rang 

55          it was my 
56          girlfriend 

57          she had been calling all 
58          night 

59          she was angry 

60          she accused me of fornicating with 
61          another 

62          I told her about the beautiful 
63          eagles 

64          how they glided 

65          and that I had been with a concrete 
66          man 

67          bullshit 
68          she said 
69          and hung 
70          up 

71          I stretched out there 
72          looked at the ceiling and 
73          wondered what the eagles 
74          ate 

[Page 174]

75          then the phone rang 
76          again 

77          and she asked 

78          did the concrete man have a 
79          concrete wife and did you stick you 
80          dick in her? 

81          no 
82          I answered 
83          I fucked an 
84          eagle 

85          she hung up 
86          again 

87          concrete poetry 
88          I thought 
89          what the hell is 
90          it? 

91          then I went to sleep and I 
92          slept and I 
93          slept.

[Page 175]

Bukowski, Charles:Gay Paree [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            the cafes in Paris are just like you imagine 
2            they are: 
3            very well-dressed people, snobs, and 
4            the snob-waiter comes up and takes your 
5            order 
6            as if you were a 
7            leper. 
8            but after you get your wine 
9            you feel better 
10          you begin to feel like a snob 
11          yourself 
12          and you give the guy at the next table 
13          a sidelong glance 
14          he catches you and 
15          you twitch your nose 
16          a bit as if you had just smelled 
17          dogshit 
18          then you 
19          look away. 

20          and the food 
21          when it arrives 
22          is always too mild. 
23          the French are delicate with their 
24          spices. 

25          and 
26          as you eat and drink 
27          you realize that everybody is 
28          terrorized: 

29          too bad 
30          too bad 

[Page 176]

31          such a lovely city 
32          full of 
33          cowards. 

34          then 
35          more wine brings more 
36          realization: 
37          Paris is the world and the world 
38          is 
39          Paris. 

40          drink to it 
41          and 
42          because of 
43          it.

[Page 177]

Bukowski, Charles:I thought the stuff tasted worse than usual [from You Get So 
Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I used to drink with Jane 
2            every night 
3            until two or 
4            three 
5            a.m. 

6            and I had to 
7            report for 
8            work 
9            at 5:30 
10          a.m. 

11          one morning 
12          I was sitting 
13          casing mail 
14          next to this 
15          healthy 
16          religious 
17          fellow 

18          and he said, 
19          "hey, I smell 
20          something, don't 
21          you?" 

22          I answered in the 
23          negative. 

24          "actually," he said, 
25          "it smells something 
26          like 
27          gasoline." 

[Page 178]

28          "well," I told 
29          him, "don't light a 
30          match or 
31          I might 
32          explode."

[Page 179]

Bukowski, Charles:the blade [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            there was no parking near the post office where 
2            I worked at night 
3            so I found this splendid spot 
4            (nobody seemed to care to park there) 
5            on a dirt road behind a 
6            slaughterhouse 
7            and as I sat in my car 
8            just before work 
9            smoking a last cigarette 
10          I was treated to the same 
11          scene 
12          as each evening tailed off into 
13          night--- 
14          the pigs were herded out of the 
15          yard pens 
16          and onto runways 
17          by a man making pig sounds and 
18          flapping a large canvas 
19          and the pigs ran wildly 
20          up the runway 
21          toward the waiting 
22          blade, 
23          and many evenings 
24          after watching that 
25          after finishing my 
26          smoke 
27          I just started the car 
28          backed out of there and 
29          drove away from my 
30          job. 

31          my absenteeism reached such astonishing 
32          proportions 

[Page 180]

33          that I had to finally 
34          park 
35          at some expense 
36          behind a Chinese bar 
37          where all I could see were tiny shuttered 
38          windows 
39          with neon signs advertising some 
40          oriental 
41          libation. 

42          it seemed less real, and that was 
43          what was 
44          needed.

[Page 181]

Bukowski, Charles:the boil [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I was making good with the girls on the assembly line at 
2            Nabisco, I had recently beaten up the company 
3            bully 
4            on my lunch hour, 
5            things were going well, I was from out of 
6            town, the stranger who seldom spoke to 
7            anybody, I was the mystery man, I was the 
8            cool number, 
9            almost all those fillies had an interest 
10          in me 
11          and the guys didn't know 
12          what the hell. 

13          then one morning I awakened in my 
14          room 
15          with a huge boil on the side of 
16          my head (right cheek) 
17          and 
18          it was damn near the size of a 
19          golf ball. 

20          I should have phoned in sick 
21          but 
22          I didn't have the sense and 
23          went on in 
24          anyhow. 

25          it made a difference: the women's eyes 
26          fell away from mine, and the guys 
27          no longer acted fearful 
28          and I felt defeated by 
29          fate. 

[Page 182]

30          the boil remained 
31          for 
32          2 days 
33          3 days 
34          4 days. 

35          on the 5th day the foreman handed me 
36          my papers: "we're cutting back, you're 
37          finished." 

38          this was one hour before 
39          lunch. 

40          I walked to my locker, opened it, 
41          took off my apron and cap 
42          threw them in there 
43          along with the 
44          key 
45          and walked 
46          out 

47          a truly horrible walk 
48          to the street 
49          where I turned around 
50          and looked back at the building 
51          feeling as if they had 
52          discovered 
53          something 
54          hideously indecent 
55          about me.

[Page 183]

Bukowski, Charles:not listed [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            my horse was the grey 
2            a 4 to one shot 
3            with early lick 
4            and he had a length and 
5            a half 
6            3/4's of the way 
7            down the stretch 
8            when his left front leg 
9            snapped 
10          and he tumbled 
11          tossing the jock 
12          over his neck and 
13          head. 
14          luckily 
15          the field avoided both 
16          the horse and the 
17          jock---who 
18          got up and limped away 
19          from the kicking 
20          animal. 

21          accident potential: 
22          that's something 
23          that's not listed in 
24          the Racing Form. 

25          in the clubhouse 
26          I saw Harry 
27          standing in a far- 
28          off corner. 
29          he was an x-jock's 
30          agent 
31          now working as a 

[Page 184]

32          trainer 
33          but not having 
34          too many mounts 
35          to train. 

36          he was behind his 
37          dark shades 
38          looking 
39          awful. 

40          "you have the grey?" 
41          I asked. 

42          "yeah," he said, 
43          "heavy ..." 

44          "you need a transfusion, 
45          it's not much but ..." 

46          I slipped 
47          3 folded 20's 
48          into his coat 
49          pocket. 

50          "thanks," he 
51          said. 

52          "put it on a good one." 

53          Harry had done me some 
54          nice things 
55          and anyhow 
56          he was one of the 
57          best 
58          working for an edge 
59          in one of the bloodiest 

[Page 185]

60          rackets 
61          around: we are trying to 
62          beat the percentages 
63          and each day 
64          some must fall 
65          so that 
66          others can go 
67          on. (the track is just 
68          like anyplace else 
69          only there 
70          it usually happens 
71          more 
72          quickly.) 

73          I walked over and got 
74          a coffee. 
75          I liked the next 
76          race 
77          a six furlong affair for 
78          non-winners of 
79          two. 

80          one good hit 
81          would put the gods in 
82          place 
83          and cure 
84          everything 
85          in a flash of 
86          glory ...

[Page 186]

Bukowski, Charles:I'm not a misogynist [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            more and more 
2            I get letters from 
3            young ladies: 

4            "I'm a well-built 19 
5            am between jobs and 
6            your writing turns me 
7            on 
8            I'm a good housekeeper 
9            and secretary and 
10          would never get in 
11          your way 
12          and 
13          would send a 
14          photo but that's 
15          so tacky ..." 

16          "I'm 21 
17          tall and attractive 
18          have read your books 
19          I work for a 
20          lawyer and 
21          if you're ever in 
22          town 
23          please call me." 

24          "I met you 
25          after your reading 
26          at the Troubadour 
27          we had a night 
28          together 
29          do you remember? 
30          I married 

[Page 187]

31          that man 
32          you told me had a 
33          mean voice 
34          when you phoned and 
35          he answered 
36          we're divorced now 
37          I have a little 
38          girl 
39          age 2 
40          I am no longer in 
41          the music 
42          business but 
43          miss it 
44          would like to 
45          see you 
46          again ..." 

47          "I've read 
48          all your books 
49          I'm 23 
50          not much 
51          breast 
52          but have great 
53          legs 
54          and 
55          just a few 
56          words 
57          from you 
58          would mean 
59          so much 
60          to me ..." 

61          girls 
62          please give your 
63          bodies and your 
64          lives 

[Page 188]

65          to 
66          the young men 
67          who 
68          deserve them 

69          besides 
70          there is 
71          no way 
72          I would welcome 
73          the 
74          intolerable 
75          dull 
76          senseless hell 
77          you would bring 
78          me 

79          and 
80          I wish you 
81          luck 
82          in bed 
83          and 
84          out 

85          but not 
86          in 
87          mine 

88          thank 
89          you.

[Page 189]

Bukowski, Charles:the lady in the castle [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            she lived in this house 
2            that looked like a 
3            castle 
4            and when you got inside 
5            the ceilings were so very 
6            high 
7            and I was poor 
8            and it all rather 
9            fascinated 
10          me. 

11          she 
12          was no longer 
13          young 
14          but she had 
15          masses 
16          of hair 
17          that damn near 
18          went down to her 
19          ankles 
20          and 
21          I thought about 
22          how strange 
23          it would be 
24          doing it 
25          with all that 
26          hair. 

27          I drove up there 
28          several times 
29          in my old 
30          car 
31          and she had fine 

[Page 190]

32          liquors to 
33          drink 
34          and we sat 
35          but I could 
36          never quite get 
37          near her 
38          and though I didn't 
39          push at 
40          it 
41          something about 
42          not 
43          connecting 
44          did offend my 
45          ego 
46          for ugly as I was 
47          I had always been 
48          lucky with the 
49          ladies. 

50          it confused me 
51          and I suppose 
52          I needed 
53          that. 

54          she liked to 
55          talk about 
56          the arts and 
57          about 
58          film making 
59          and listening 
60          to all that 
61          only made me 
62          drink 
63          more. 

[Page 191]

64          I 
65          finally 
66          just 
67          gave her 
68          up 
69          and a good year 
70          or so 
71          went by 
72          when 
73          one night 
74          the phone 
75          rang: it was the 
76          lady. 

77          "I want to come see 
78          you," she said. 

79          "I'm writing now, I'm 
80          hot ... I can't see 
81          anybody ..." 

82          "I just want to come 
83          by, I won't bother you, 
84          I'll just sit on the couch, 
85          I'll sleep on the couch, I 
86          won't bother you ..." 

87          "NO! JESUS CHRIST, I 
88          CAN'T SEE ANYBODY!" 

89          I hung up. 

90          the lady who was actually 
91          on the couch 
92          said, "oh, you're all 
93          SOFT now!" 

[Page 192]

94          "yeah." 

95          "come here ..." 

96          she took my penis 
97          in her hand 
98          flicked out her 
99          tongue 
100        then 
101        stopped. 

102        "what are you writing?" 

103        "nothing ... I've got writer's 
104        block ..." 

105        "sure you have ... your pipes are 
106        clogged ... you need to get 
107        cleaned out ..." 

108        then she had me in her 
109        mouth 

110        and then the phone rang 
111        again ... 

112        in a fury 
113        I ran over to the 
114        phone 
115        picked it 
116        up. 

117        it was the lady in the 
118        castle: 

[Page 193]

119        "listen, I won't bother you, 
120        you won't even know I'm 
121        there ..." 

122        "YOU WHORE, I'M GETTING A 
123        BLOW JOB!" 

124        I hung up and 
125        turned back. 

126        the other lady was walking 
127        toward the 
128        door. 

129        "what'sa matter?" I 
130        asked. 

131        "I can't STAND that 
132        term!" 

133        "what term?" 

134        "BLOW JOB!" she 
135        screamed. 

136        she slammed the door and 
137        was gone ... 

138        I walked to where the 
139        typewriter sat 
140        put a new piece of paper 
141        in there. 
142        it was one 
143        a.m. 

[Page 194]

144        I sat there and 
145        drank scotch and 
146        beer chasers 
147        smoked cheap 
148        cigars. 

149        3:15 a.m. 
150        I was still sitting 
151        there 
152        re-lighting old 
153        cigar stubs and 
154        drinking ale. 

155        the new 
156        piece of paper was still 
157        unused. 

158        I switched out the 
159        lights 
160        worked my way toward 
161        the bedroom 
162        got myself on the 
163        bed 
164        clothes still 
165        on 

166        I could hear the toilet 
167        running 
168        but couldn't get up 
169        to tap the handle 
170        to end that 
171        sound 

172        my god damned pipes were 
173        clogged.

[Page 195]

Bukowski, Charles:relentless as the tarantula [from You Get So Alone At Times 
That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            they're not going to let you 
2            sit at a front table 
3            at some cafe in Europe 
4            in the mid-afternoon sun. 
5            if you do, somebody's going to 
6            drive by and 
7            spray your guts with a 
8            submachine gun. 

9            they're not going to let you 
10          feel good 
11          for very long 
12          anywhere. 
13          the forces aren't going to 
14          let you sit around 
15          fucking-off and 
16          relaxing. 
17          you've got to do it 
18          their way. 

19          the unhappy, the bitter and 
20          the vengeful 
21          need their 
22          fix---which is 
23          you or somebody 
24          anybody 
25          in agony, or 
26          better yet 
27          dead, dropped into some 
28          hole. 

29          as long as there are 
30          human beings about 

[Page 196]

31          there is never going to be 
32          any peace 
33          for any individual 
34          upon this earth (or 
35          anywhere else 
36          they might 
37          escape to). 

38          all you can do 
39          is maybe grab 
40          ten lucky minutes 
41          here 
42          or maybe an hour 
43          there. 

44          something 
45          is working toward you 
46          right now, and 
47          I mean you 
48          and nobody but 
49          you.

[Page 197]

Bukowski, Charles:their night [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            never could read Tender Is the 
2            Night 
3            but they've made a 
4            tv adaptation of the 
5            book 
6            and it's been running 
7            for several 
8            nights 
9            and I have spent 
10          ten minutes 
11          here and there 
12          watching the troubles of 
13          the rich 
14          while they are leaning 
15          against their beach chairs 
16          in Nice 
17          or walking about their 
18          large rooms 
19          drink in hand while 
20          making 
21          philosophical 
22          statements 
23          or 
24          fucking up 
25          at the 
26          dinner party 
27          or the 
28          dinner dance 
29          they really have no 
30          idea 
31          of what to do with 
32          themselves: 
33          swim? 

[Page 198]

34          tennis? 
35          drive up the 
36          coast? 
37          down the 
38          coast? 
39          find 
40          new beds? 
41          lose old 
42          ones? 
43          or 
44          fuck with the 
45          arts and the 
46          artists? 

47          having nothing to struggle 
48          against 
49          they have nothing to struggle 
50          for. 

51          the rich are different 
52          all right 

53          so is the ring- 
54          tailed 
55          maki and the 
56          sand 
57          flea.

[Page 199]

Bukowski, Charles:huh? [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
(1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            in 
2            Germany France Italy 
3            I can walk down the streets and be 
4            followed by 
5            young men laughing 
6            young ladies 
7            giggling and 
8            old 
9            ladies turning their noses 
10          up ... 

11          while 
12          in America 
13          I am just another 
14          tired 
15          old man 
16          doing whatever 
17          tired old men 
18          do. 

19          oh, this has its 
20          compensations: 
21          I can take my pants 
22          to the cleaners or 
23          stand in a 
24          supermarket line 
25          without any 
26          hubbub at 
27          all: 
28          the gods have allowed me 
29          a gentle 
30          anonymity. 

[Page 200]

31          yet 
32          at times 
33          I do consider my 
34          overseas fame 
35          and 
36          the only thing 
37          I can come up with is 
38          that 
39          I must have some 
40          great motherfucking 
41          translators. 

42          I must 
43          owe them 
44          the hair on my 
45          balls 
46          or 
47          possibly 

48          my balls 

49          themselves.

[Page 201]

Bukowski, Charles:it's funny, isn't it? #1 [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            we were standing around 
2            at this birthday party 
3            at this fancy 
4            restaurant 

5            and 
6            many 
7            special people were 
8            about 
9            preening their 
10          fame. 

11          I wanted to run 
12          out 

13          when a man 
14          standing near by 
15          said something 
16          exactly appropriate 
17          to the 
18          occasion. 

19          "hey," I said to 
20          my wife, "this 
21          guy's got 
22          something. when we are 
23          seated 
24          let's try to 
25          sit next to 
26          him." 

27          we did and as 
28          the drinks were 

[Page 202]

29          poured 
30          the man began 
31          talking 

32          he began on a 
33          long story 
34          which was 
35          building toward a 
36          punch 
37          line. 

38          my problem was that 
39          I could guess 
40          what the 
41          punch line 
42          was 
43          going to 
44          be. 

45          and 
46          he talked 
47          on and 
48          on 

49          then 
50          dropped the 
51          line. 

52          "shit," I 
53          told him, "that 
54          was 
55          awful, you've 
56          really 
57          disappointed 
58          me ..." 

[Page 203]

59          he 
60          only began 
61          on another 
62          story. 

63          I walked over to 
64          another table 
65          and stood behind 
66          the now 
67          great 
68          movie star. 

69          "listen, 
70          when I first met 
71          you 
72          you were just a nice 
73          German boy. 
74          now 
75          you've turned into 
76          a 
77          conceited 
78          prick. you've 
79          really 
80          disappointed 
81          me." 

82          the great movie 
83          star (who was a 
84          man 
85          mighty of 
86          muscle) growled 
87          and 
88          shook his 
89          shoulders. 

[Page 204]

90          then I walked over to 
91          the table 
92          where the birthday lady 
93          sat 
94          surrounded by 
95          all these 
96          media 
97          folk. 

98          "looking at you 
99          people," I said, "makes 
100        me feel like 
101        vomiting 
102        all over 
103        your 
104        inept 
105        plausibilities!" 

106        "oh," said the lady 
107        to her 
108        guests, "he 
109        always talks 
110        that 
111        way!" 

112        and she gave a 
113        laugh, poor 
114        dear. 

115        so 
116        I said, "Happy 
117        birthday, 
118        but 
119        I warned you 
120        never to 

[Page 205]

121        invite me to these 
122        things." 

123        then 
124        I walked back to 
125        my table 

126        motioned the waiter 
127        for 
128        another 
129        drink. 

130        the man 
131        was telling 
132        another 
133        story 

134        but 
135        it was not 
136        nearly 
137        as good 
138        as 

139        this 
140        one.

[Page 206]

Bukowski, Charles:it's funny, isn't it? #2 [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            when we were kids 
2            laying around the lawn 
3            on our 
4            bellies 

5            we often talked 
6            about 
7            how 
8            we'd like to 
9            die 

10          and 
11          we all 
12          agreed on the 
13          same 
14          thing: 

15          we'd all 
16          like to die 
17          fucking 

18          (although 
19          none of us 
20          had 
21          done any 
22          fucking) 

23          and now 
24          that 
25          we are hardly 
26          kids 
27          any longer 

[Page 207]

28          we think more 
29          about 
30          how 
31          not to 
32          die 

33          and 
34          although 
35          we're 
36          ready 

37          most of 
38          us 
39          would 
40          prefer to 
41          do it 
42          alone 

43          under the 
44          sheets 

45          now 
46          that 

47          most of 
48          us 

49          have fucked 
50          our lives 
51          away.

[Page 208]

Bukowski, Charles:the beautiful lady editor [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            she was a beautiful woman, I used to see photographs of 
2            her in the literary magazines of that 
3            day. 

4            I was young but always alone---I felt that I needed the 
5            time to get something done and the only way I could buy time 
6            was with 
7            poverty. 

8            I worked not so much with craft but more with getting down 
9            what was edging me toward madness---and I had 
10          flashes of luck, but it was hardly a pleasurable 
11          existence. 

12          I think I showed a fine endurance but slowly then 
13          health and courage began to leak away. 

14          and the night arrived when everything fell apart---and 
15          fear, doubt, humiliation entered ... 

16          and I wrote a number of letters using my last stamps 
17          telling a few select people that I had made a 
18          mistake, that I was starving and trapped in a small 
19          freezing shack of darkness in a strange city in 
20          a strange 
21          state. 

22          I mailed the letters and then I waited long wild days and 
23          nights, hoping, yearning at last for a decent 
24          response. 

25          only two letters ever arrived---on the same day--- 
26          and I opened the pages and shook the pages looking for 

[Page 209]

27          money but there was 
28          none. 

29          one letter was from my father, a six-pager telling me that 
30          I deserved what was happening, that I should have become 
31          an engineer like he told me, and that nobody would ever read 
32          the kind of stuff I wrote, and on and on, like 
33          that. 

34          the other letter was from the beautiful lady editor, neatly typed 
35                 on 
36          expensive stationery, and she said that she was no longer 
37          publishing her literary magazine, that she had found God and 
38                 was 
39          living in a castle on a hill in Italy and helping the poor, and 
40          she signed her famous name, with a "God Bless you," and that 
41                 was 
42          that. 

43          ah, you have no idea, in that dark freezing shack, how much I 
44                 wanted to 
45          be poor in Italy instead of Atlanta, to be a poor peasant, 
46          yes, or even a dog on her bedspread, or even a flea on that 
47          dog on that 
48          bedspread: how much I wanted the tiniest 
49          warmth. 

50          the lady had published me along with Henry Miller, Sartre, 
51                 Celine, 
52          others. 

53          I should never have asked for money in a world where millions 
54                 of 
55          peasants were crawling the starving 
56          streets 

[Page 210]

57          and even some years later when the lady editor 
58          died 
59          I still thought her 
60          beautiful.

[Page 211]

Bukowski, Charles:about the PEN conference [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            take a writer away from his typewriter 
2            and all you have left 
3            is 
4            the sickness 
5            which started him 
6            typing 
7            in the 
8            beginning.

[Page 212]

Bukowski, Charles:everybody talks too much [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            when 
2            the cop pulled me 
3            over 
4            I 
5            handed him my 
6            license. 
7            he 
8            went back 
9            to radio in 
10          the make 
11          and model 
12          of my car 
13          and 
14          get clearance on 
15          my plates. 

16          he wrote 
17          the ticket 
18          walked 
19          up 
20          handed it 
21          to me 
22          to 
23          sign. 

24          I did 
25          he gave 
26          me 
27          back the 
28          license. 

29          "how come 
30          you 

[Page 213]

31          don't 
32          say 
33          anything?" 
34          he asked. 

35          I shrugged 
36          my 
37          shoulders. 

38          "well, sir," 
39          he 
40          said, "have 
41          a 
42          good day 
43          and 
44          drive 
45          carefully." 

46          I 
47          noticed 
48          some sweat 
49          on his 
50          brow 
51          and the 
52          hand 
53          that held 
54          the 
55          ticket 
56          seemed to 
57          be 
58          trembling 
59          or 
60          perhaps 
61          I 
62          was only 
63          imagining it? 

[Page 214]

64          anyhow 
65          I 
66          watched him 
67          move 
68          toward 
69          his 
70          bike 
71          then I 
72          pulled 
73          away ... 

74          when confronted 
75          with 
76          dutiful 
77          policemen 
78          or 
79          women 
80          in rancor 
81          I 
82          have nothing 
83          to 
84          say 
85          to them 

86          for 
87          if I 
88          truly 
89          began 
90          it would 
91          end 
92          in 
93          somebody's 
94          death: 
95          theirs or 
96          mine 

[Page 215]

97          so 
98          I 
99          let them 
100        have 
101        their 
102        little 
103        victories 
104        which 
105        they need 
106        far 
107        more 
108        than 
109        I 
110        do.

[Page 216]

Bukowski, Charles:me and my buddy [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I can still see us 
2            together 
3            back then 
4            sitting by the river 
5            while shit- 
6            faced on the 
7            grape 
8            and playing with the 
9            poem 
10          knowing it to be 
11          utterly useless 
12          but something to 
13          do 
14          while 
15          waiting 

16          the Emperors 
17          with their frightened 
18          clay faces 
19          watch us as we 
20          drink 

21          Li Po crumbles his 
22          poems 
23          sets them on 
24          fire 
25          floats them down the 
26          river. 

27          "what have you 
28          done?" I 
29          ask him. 

[Page 217]

30          Li passes the 
31          bottle: "they are 
32          going to end 
33          no matter what 
34          happens ..." 

35          I drink to his 
36          knowledge 
37          pass the bottle 
38          back 

39          sit tightly upon my 
40          poems 
41          which I have 
42          jammed halfway up my 
43          crotch 

44          I help him burn 
45          some more of his 
46          poesy 

47          they float well 
48          down 
49          the river 
50          lighting up the 
51          night 
52          as good words 
53          should.

[Page 218]

Bukowski, Charles:song [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
(1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            Julio came by with his guitar and sang his 
2            latest song. 
3            Julio was famous, he wrote songs and also 
4            published books of little drawings and 
5            poems. 
6            they were very 
7            good. 

8            Julio sang a song about his latest love 
9            affair. 
10          he sang that 
11          it began so well 
12          then it went to 
13          hell. 

14          those were not the words exactly 
15          but that was the meaning of the 
16          words. 

17          Julio finished 
18          singing. 

19          then he said, "I still care for 
20          her, I can't get her off my 
21          mind." 

22          "what will I do?" Julio 
23          asked. 

24          "drink," Henry said, 
25          pouring. 

[Page 219]

26          Julio just looked at his 
27          glass: 
28          "I wonder what she's doing 
29          now?" 

30          "probably engaging in oral 
31          copulation," Henry 
32          suggested. 

33          Julio put his guitar back in 
34          the case and 
35          walked to the 
36          door. 

37          Henry walked Julio to his car which 
38          was parked in the 
39          drive. 

40          it was a nice moonlit 
41          night. 

42          as Julio started his car and 
43          backed out the drive 
44          Henry waved him a 
45          farewell. 

46          then he went inside 
47          sat 
48          down. 

49          he finished Julio's untouched 
50          drink 
51          then he 
52          phoned 
53          her. 

[Page 220]

54          "he was just by," Henry told 
55          her, "he's feeling very 
56          bad ..." 

57          "you'll have to excuse me," 
58          she said, "but I'm busy right 
59          now." 

60          she hung 
61          up. 

62          and Henry poured one of his 
63          own 
64          as outside the crickets sang 
65          their own 
66          song.

[Page 221]

Bukowski, Charles:practice [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            in that depression neighborhood I had two buddies 
2            Eugene and Frank 
3            and I had wild fist fights with each of 
4            them 
5            once or twice a week. 
6            the fights lasted 3 or 4 hours and we came out 
7            with 
8            smashed noses, fattened lips, black eyes, sprained 
9            wrists, bruised knuckles, purple 
10          welts. 

11          our parents said nothing, let us fight on and 
12          on 
13          watching disinterestedly and 
14          finally going back to their newspapers 
15          or their radios or their thwarted sex lives, 
16          they only became angry if we tore or ruined our 
17          clothing, and for that and only for that. 

18          but Eugene and Frank and I 
19          we had some good work-outs 
20          we rumbled through the evenings, crashing through 
21          hedges, fighting along the asphalt, over the 
22          curbings and into strange front and backyards of 
23          unknown homes, the dogs barking, the people screaming at 
24          us. 
25          we were 
26          maniacal, we never quit until the call for supper 
27          which none of us could afford to 
28          miss. 

29          anyhow, Eugene became a Commander in the 

[Page 222]

30          Navy and Frank became a Supreme Court Justice, State of 
31          California and I fiddled with the 
32          poem.

[Page 223]

Bukowski, Charles:love poem to a stripper [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            50 years ago I watched the girls 
2            shake it and strip 
3            at The Burbank and The Follies 
4            and it was very sad 
5            and very dramatic 
6            as the light turned from green to 
7            purple to pink 
8            and the music was loud and 
9            vibrant, 
10          now I sit here tonight 
11          smoking and 
12          listening to classical 
13          music 
14          but I still remember some of 
15          their names: Darlene, Candy, Jeanette 
16          and Rosalie. 
17          Rosalie was the 
18          best, she knew how, 
19          and we twisted in our seats and 
20          made sounds 
21          as Rosalie brought magic 
22          to the lonely 
23          so long ago. 

24          now Rosalie 
25          either so very old or 
26          so quiet under the 
27          earth, 
28          this is the pimple-faced 
29          kid 
30          who lied about his 
31          age 

[Page 224]

32          just to watch 
33          you. 

34          you were good, Rosalie 
35          in 1935, 
36          good enough to remember 
37          now 
38          when the light is 
39          yellow 
40          and the nights are 
41          slow.

[Page 225]

Bukowski, Charles:my buddy [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            for a 21-year-old boy in New Orleans I wasn't worth 
2            much: I had a dark small room that smelled of 
3            piss and death 
4            yet I just wanted to stay in there, and there were 
5            two lively girls down at the end of the hall who 
6            kept knocking on my door and yelling, "Get up! 
7            There are good things out here!" 

8            "Go away," I told them, but that only goaded 
9            them on, they left notes under my door and 
10          scotch-taped flowers to the 
11          doorknob. 

12          I was on cheap wine and green beer and 
13          dementia ... 

14          I got to know the old guy in the next 
15          room, somehow I felt old like 
16          him; his feet and ankles were swollen and he couldn't 
17          lace his shoes. 

18          each day about one p.m. we went for a walk 
19          together and it was a very slow 
20          walk: each step was painful for 
21          him. 

22          as we came to the curbing I helped him 
23          up and down 
24          gripping him by an elbow 
25          and the back of his 
26          belt, we made it. 

[Page 226]

27          I liked him: he never questioned me about 
28          what I was or wasn't 
29          doing. 

30          he should have been my father, and I liked 
31          best what he said over and 
32          over: "Nothing is worth 
33          it." 

34          he was a 
35          sage. 

36          those young girls should have 
37          left him the 
38          notes and the 
39          flowers.

[Page 227]

Bukowski, Charles:Jon Edgar Webb [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I had a lyric poem period down in New Orleans, pounding 
2            out these fat rolling lines and 
3            drinking gallons of beer. 
4            it felt good like screaming in a madhouse, the madhouse of 
5            my world 
6            as the mice scattered among the 
7            empties. 
8            at times I went into the bars 
9            but I couldn't work it out with those people who sat on the 
10          stools: 
11          men evaded me and the women were terrified of 
12          me. 
13          bartenders asked that I 
14          leave. 
15          I did, struggling back with wondrous six-packs 
16          to the room and the mice and those fat rolling 
17          lines. 

18          that lyric poem period was a raving bitch of a 
19          time 
20          and there was an editor right around the 
21          corner who 
22          fed each page into a waiting press, rejecting 
23          nothing 
24          even though I was unknown 
25          he printed me upon ravenous paper 
26          manufactured to last 
27          2,000 years. 

28          this editor who was also the publisher and 
29          the printer 
30          kept a straight face as I handed him the ten to 
31          twenty pages 

[Page 228]

32          each morning: 
33          "is that all?" 

34          that crazy son of a bitch, he was a lyric 
35          poem 
36          himself.

[Page 229]

Bukowski, Charles:thank you [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            some want me to go on writing about whores 
2            and puking. 

3            others say that type of thing disgusts 
4            them. 

5            well, I don't miss the 
6            whores 

7            although now and then one or another makes an 
8            attempt to locate 
9            me. 

10          I don't know if they miss all the booze and 
11          the bit of money I gave them 

12          or if they are enthralled at the way 
13          I've immortalized them in 
14          literature. 

15          anyhow, they must now make do with 
16          whatever men 
17          they are able to scrounge 
18          up. 

19          ---those poor darlings had no 
20          idea ... 

21          and neither did I 
22          that those ugly roaring nights 
23          would be fodder 

[Page 230]

24          such as even 
25          Dostoevski 
26          would not shy away 
27          from.

[Page 231]

Bukowski, Charles:the magic curse [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I never liked skid-row and so I stayed away from the soup 
2            kitchens, the bloodbanks and all the so-called hand- 
3            outs. 

4            I got so god damned thin that if 
5            I turned sidewise it was hard to see my shadow under a 
6            hard noon sun. 

7            it didn't matter to me so long as I stayed away from the 
8            crowd 

9            and even down there it was a 
10          successful and an unsuccessful 
11          crowd. 

12          I don't think I was insane 
13          but many of the 
14          insane think 
15          that 

16          but I think 
17          now 
18          if anything saved me 
19          it was the avoidance of the 
20          crowd 

21          it was my 
22          food 

23          still 
24          is. 

[Page 232]

25          get me in a room with more than 
26          3 people 
27          I tend to act 
28          ill 
29          odd. 

30          I once 
31          even asked my wife: look, I must be 
32          sick ... perhaps I ought to see a 
33          shrink? 

34          Christ, I said, he might cure me 
35          and then what would I 
36          do? 

37          she just looked at me 
38          and we forgot the 
39          whole 
40          thing.

[Page 233]

Bukowski, Charles:party's over [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            after you've pulled off the tablecloth with 
2            the full plates of food 
3            and broken the windows 
4            and rung the bells of 
5            idiots 
6            and have 
7            spoken true and terrible 
8            words 
9            and have 
10          chased the mob through the 
11          doorway--- 
12          then comes the great and 
13          peaceful moment: sitting alone 
14          and 
15          pouring that quiet drink. 

16          the world is better without 
17          them. 

18          only the plants and the animals are 
19          true comrades. 

20          I drink to them and with 
21          them. 

22          they wait as I fill their 
23          glasses.

[Page 234]

Bukowski, Charles:no nonsense [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            Faulkner loved his whiskey 
2            and along with the 
3            writing 
4            he didn't have 
5            time 
6            for much 
7            else. 

8            he didn't open 
9            most of his 
10          mail 

11          just held it up 
12          to the light 

13          and if it didn't 
14          contain a 
15          check 

16          he trashed 
17          it.

[Page 235]

Bukowski, Charles:escape [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            the best part was 
2            pulling down the 
3            shades 
4            stuffing the doorbell 
5            with rags 
6            putting the phone 
7            in the 
8            refrigerator 
9            and going to bed 
10          for 3 or 4 
11          days. 

12          and the next best 
13          part 
14          was 
15          nobody ever 
16          missed 
17          me.

[Page 236]

Bukowski, Charles:wearing the collar [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I live with a lady and four cats 
2            and some days we all get 
3            along. 

4            some days I have trouble with 
5            one of the 
6            cats. 

7            other days I have trouble with 
8            two of the 
9            cats. 

10          other days, 
11          three. 

12          some days I have trouble with 
13          all four of the 
14          cats 

15          and the 
16          lady: 

17          ten eyes looking at me 
18          as if I was a dog.

[Page 237]

Bukowski, Charles:a cat is a cat is a cat is a cat [from You Get So Alone At 
Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            she's whistling and clapping 
2            for the cats 
3            at 2 a.m. 
4            as I sit in here 
5            with my 
6            Beethoven. 

7            "they're just prowling," I 
8            tell her ... 

9            Beethoven rattles his bones 
10          majestically 

11          and those damn cats 
12          don't care 
13          about 
14          any of it 

15          and 
16          if they did 
17          I wouldn't like them 
18          as 
19          well: 

20          things begin to lose their 
21          natural value 
22          when they approach 
23          human 
24          endeavor. 

25          nothing against 
26          Beethoven: 

[Page 238]

27          he did fine 
28          for what he 
29          was 

30          but I wouldn't want 
31          him 
32          on my rug 
33          with one leg 
34          over his head 
35          while 
36          he was 
37          licking 
38          his balls.

[Page 239]

Bukowski, Charles:marching through Georgia [from You Get So Alone At Times That 
It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            we are burning like a chicken wing left on the grill of an 
2            outdoor barbecue 
3            we are unwanted and burning we are burning and unwanted 
4                   we are 
5            an unwanted 
6            burning 
7            as we sizzle and fry 
8            to the bone 
9            the coals of Dante's Inferno spit and sputter beneath 
10          us 
11              and 
12          above the sky is an open hand 
13              and 
14          the words of wise men are useless 
15          it's not a nice world, a nice world it's 
16          not ... 

17          come on, try this nice burnt chicken-wing poem 
18          it's hot it's tough not much 
19          meat 
20          but 'tis sadly sensible 
21          and one or two bites ends it 
22          thus

[Page 240]

Bukowski, Charles:gone [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
(1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            it left like the ladies of old 
2            as I opened the door 
3            to the room 
4            bed 
5            pillows 
6            walls 

7            I lost it 
8            I lost it somewhere 
9            while walking down the street 
10          or while lifting weights 
11          or while watching a parade 
12          I lost it 
13          while watching a wrestling match 

14          or while waiting at a red light 
15          at noon on some smoggy day 

16          I lost it while putting a coin 
17          into a parking meter 

18          I lost it 
19          as the wild dogs slept.

[Page 241]

Bukowski, Charles:I meet the famous poet [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            this poet had long been famous 
2            and after some decades of 
3            obscurity I 
4            got lucky 
5            and this poet appeared 
6            interested 
7            and asked me to his 
8            beach apartment. 
9            he was homosexual and I was 
10          straight, and worse, a 
11          lush. 

12          I came by, looked 
13          about and 
14          declaimed (as if I didn't 
15          know), "hey, where the 
16          fuck are the 
17          babes?" 

18          he just smiled and stroked 
19          his mustache. 

20          he had little lettuces and 
21          delicate cheeses and 
22          other dainties 
23          in his refrigerator. 
24          "where you keep your fucking 
25          beer, man?" I 
26          asked. 

27          it didn't matter, I had 
28          brought my own 

[Page 242]

29          bottles and I began upon 
30          them. 

31          he began to look 
32          alarmed: "I've heard about 
33          your brutality, please 
34          desist from 
35          that!" 

36          I flopped down on his 
37          couch, belched, 
38          laughed: "ah, shit, baby, I'm 
39          not gonna hurt ya! ha, ha, 
40          ha!" 

41          "you are a fine writer," he 
42          said, "but as a person you are 
43          utterly 
44          despicable!" 

45          "that's what I like about me 
46          best, baby!" I 
47          continued to pour them 
48          down. 

49          at once 
50          he seemed to vanish behind 
51          some sliding wooden 
52          doors. 

53          "hey, baby, come on 
54          out! I ain't gonna do no 
55          bad! we can sit around and 
56          talk that dumb literary 
57          bullshit all night 
58          long! I won't 

[Page 243]

59          brutalize you, 
60          shit, I 
61          promise!" 

62          "I don't trust you," 
63          came the little 
64          voice. 

65          well, there was nothing to 
66          do 
67          but slug it down, I was 
68          too drunk to drive 
69          home. 

70          when I awakened in the 
71          morning he was standing over 
72          me 
73          smiling. 

74          "uh," I said, 
75          "hi ..." 

76          "did you mean what you 
77          said last night?" he 
78          asked. 

79          "uh, what wuz 
80          ut?" 

81          "I slid the doors back and 
82          stood there and you saw 
83          me and you said that 
84          I looked like I was riding the 
85          prow of some great sea 

[Page 244]

86          ship ... you said that 
87          I looked like a 
88          Norseman! is 
89          that true?" 

90          "oh, yeah, yeah, you 
91          did ..." 

92          he fixed me some hot tea 
93          with toast 
94          and I got that 
95          down. 

96          "well," I said, "good to 
97          have met 
98          you ..." 

99          "I'm sure," he 
100        answered. 

101        the door closed behind 
102        me 
103        and I found the elevator 
104        down 
105        and 
106        after some wandering about the 
107        beach front 
108        I found my car, got 
109        in, drove off 
110        on what appeared to be 
111        favorable terms 
112        between the famous poet and 
113        myself 

[Page 245]

114        but 
115        it wasn't 
116        so: 

117        he started writing un- 
118        believably hateful stuff 
119        about 
120        me 
121        and I 
122        got my shots in at 
123        him. 

124        the whole matter 
125        was just about 
126        like 
127        most other writers 
128        meeting 

129        and 
130        anyhow 
131        that part about 
132        calling him a 
133        Norseman 
134        wasn't true at 
135        all: I called him 
136        a 
137        Viking 

138        and it also 
139        isn't true 
140        that without his 
141        aid 
142        I never would have 
143        appeared in the 
144        Penguin Collection of 
145        Modern Poets 

[Page 246]

146        along with him 
147        and who 
148        was it? 

149        yeah: 
150        Lamantia.

[Page 247]

Bukowski, Charles:seize the day [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            foul fellow he was always wiping his nose on his 
2            sleeve and also farting at regular 
3            intervals, he was 
4            uncombed 
5            uncouth 
6            unwanted. 
7            his every third word was a crass 
8            entrail 
9            and he grinned through broken yellow 
10          teeth 
11          his breath stinking above the 
12          wind 
13          he continually dug into his crotch 
14          left- 
15          handed 
16          and he always had a 
17          dirty joke 
18          at the ready, 
19          a dunce of the lowest 
20          order 
21          a most most 
22          avoided 
23          man 

24          until 

25          he won the state 
26          lottery. 

27          now 
28          you should see 
29          him: always a young laughing lady on 
30          each arm 

[Page 248]

31          he eats at the finest 
32          places 
33          the waiters fighting to get him 
34          at their 
35          table 
36          he belches and farts away the 
37          night 
38          spilling his wineglass 
39          picking up his steak with his 
40          fingers 
41          while 
42          his ladies call him 
43          "original" and "the funniest 
44          man I ever met." 
45          and what they do to him 
46          in bed 
47          is a damned 
48          shame. 

49          what we have to keep 
50          remembering, though, is that 
51          50% of the state lottery is given to the 
52          Educational System and 
53          that's important 
54          when you realize that 
55          only one person in 
56          nine 
57          can properly spell 
58          "emulously."

[Page 249]

Bukowski, Charles:the shrinking island [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I'm working on it as 
2            the dawn bends toward me ... 

3            I almost had it at 3:34 a.m. but it 
4            slipped away from me 
5            with the wizardry of a 
6            silverfish ... 

7            now 
8            as the half-light moves toward me 
9            like motherfucking death 
10          I give up the battle 
11          rise 
12          move toward the bathroom 
13          bang 
14          into a wall 
15          give a pitiful mewking 
16          laugh ... 
17          flick on the light and 
18          begin to piss, yes, in 
19          the proper place 
20          and 
21          after flushing 
22          think: another night 
23          gone. 
24          well, we gave it a bit of 
25          a roar 
26          anyhow. 

27          we wash our 
28          claws ... 
29          flick off the 
30          light 

[Page 250]

31          move toward the 
32          bedroom where the 
33          wife 
34          awakens enough 
35          to say: "don't step 
36          on the cat!" 

37          which brings us back 
38          to 
39          matters 
40          real 
41          as we find the bed 
42          slip in 
43          face to ceiling: a 
44          grounded 
45          drunken 
46          fat 
47          old 
48          man.

[Page 251]

Bukowski, Charles:magic machine [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I liked the old records that 
2            scratched 
3            as the needle slid across 
4            grooves well 
5            worn 
6            you heard the voice 
7            coming through 
8            the speaker 
9            as if there were a person 
10          inside that 
11          mahogany 
12          box 

13          but you only listened while 
14          your parents were 
15          not there. 
16          and if you didn't wind 
17          the victrola 
18          it gradually slowed and 
19          stopped. 

20          it was best in late 
21          afternoons 
22          and the records spoke 
23          of 
24          love. 
25          love, love, love. 
26          some of the records had 
27          beautiful purple 
28          labels, 
29          others were orange, green, 
30          yellow, red, blue. 

[Page 252]

31          the victrola had belonged to 
32          my grandfather 
33          and he had listened to those 
34          same 
35          records. 
36          and now I was a boy 
37          and 
38          I heard them. 
39          and nothing I could think of 
40          in my life then 
41          seemed better than listening 
42          to that 
43          victrola 
44          when my parents weren't 
45          there.

[Page 253]

Bukowski, Charles:those girls we followed home [from You Get So Alone At Times 
That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            in Jr. High the two prettiest girls were 
2            Irene and Louise, 
3            they were sisters; 
4            Irene was a year older, a little taller 
5            but it was difficult to choose between 
6            them; 
7            they were not only pretty but they were 
8            astonishingly beautiful 
9            so beautiful 
10          that the boys stayed away from them; 
11          they were terrified of Irene and 
12          Louise 
13          who weren't aloof at all, 
14          even friendlier than most 
15          but 
16          who seemed to dress a bit 
17          differently than the other 
18          girls: 
19          they always wore high heels, 
20          silk stockings, 
21          blouses, 
22          skirts, 
23          new outfits 
24          each day; 
25          and, 
26          one afternoon 
27          my buddy, Baldy, and I followed them 
28          home from school; 
29          you see, we were kind of 
30          the bad guys on the grounds 
31          so it was 
32          more or less 
33          expected, 

[Page 254]

34          and 
35          it was something: 
36          walking along ten or twelve feet behind them; 
37          we didn't say anything 
38          we just followed 
39          watching 
40          their voluptuous swaying, 
41          the balancing of the 
42          haunches. 

43          we liked it so much that we 
44          followed them home from school 
45          every 
46          day. 

47          when they'd go into their house 
48          we'd stand outside on the sidewalk 
49          smoking cigarettes and talking. 

50          "someday," I told Baldy, 
51          "they are going to invite us inside their 
52          house and they are going to 
53          fuck us." 

54          "you really think so?" 

55          "sure." 

56          now 
57          50 years later 
58          I can tell you 
59          they never did 
60          ---never mind all the stories we 
61          told the guys; 
62          yes, it's the dream that 

[Page 255]

63          keeps you going 
64          then and 
65          now.

[Page 256]

Bukowski, Charles:fractional note [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            the flowers are burning 
2            the rocks are melting 
3            the door is stuck inside my head 
4            it's one hundred and two degrees in Hollywood 
5            and the messenger stumbles 
6            dropping the last message into a 
7            hole in the earth 
8            400 miles deep. 
9            the movies are worse than ever 
10          and the dead books of dead men read dead. 
11          the white rats run the treadmill. 
12          the bars stink in swampland darkness 
13          as the lonely unfulfill the lonely. 

14          there's no clarity. 
15          there was never meant to be clarity. 

16          the sun is diminishing, they say. 
17          wait and see. 

18          gravy barks like a dog. 

19          if I had a grandmother 
20          my grandmother could whip your 
21          grandmother. 

22          free fall. 
23          free dirt. 
24          shit costs money. 
25          check the ads for sales ... 

26          now everybody is singing at once 
27          terrible voices 

[Page 257]

28          coming from torn throats. 
29          hours of practice. 

30          it's almost entirely waste. 
31          regret is mostly caused by not having 
32          done anything. 
33          the mind barks like a dog. 
34          pass the gravy. 

35          it is so arranged all the way to 
36          oblivion. 
37          next meter reading date: 
38          JUN 20. 

39          and I feel good.

[Page 258]

Bukowski, Charles:a following [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            the phone rang at 1:30 a.m. 
2            and it was a man from Denver: 

3            "Chinaski, you got a following in 
4            Denver ..." 

5            "yeah?" 

6            "yeah, I got a magazine and I want some 
7            poems from you ..." 

8            "FUCK YOU, CHINASKI!" I heard a voice 
9            in the background ... 

10          "I see you have a friend," 
11          I said. 

12          "yeah," he answered, "now, I want 
13          six poems ..." 

14          "CHINASKI SUCKS! CHINASKI'S A PRICK!" 
15          I heard the other 
16          voice. 

17          "you fellows been drinking?" 
18          I asked. 

19          "so what?" he answered. "you drink." 

20          "that's true ..." 

21          "CHINASKI'S AN ASSHOLE!" 

[Page 259]

22          then 
23          the editor of the magazine gave me the 
24          address and I copied it down on the back 
25          of an envelope. 

26          "send us some poems now ..." 

27          "I'll see what I can do ..." 

28          "CHINASKI WRITES SHIT!" 

29          "goodbye," I said. 

30          "goodbye," said the 
31          editor. 

32          I hung up. 

33          there are certainly any number of lonely 
34          people without much to do with 
35          their nights.

[Page 260]

Bukowski, Charles:a tragic meeting [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I was more visible and available then 
2            and I had this great weakness: 
3            I thought that going to bed with many women 
4            meant that a man was clever and good and 
5            superior 
6            especially if he did it at the age of 
7            55 
8            to any number of bunnies 
9            and I lifted weights 
10          drank like mad 
11          and did 
12          that. 

13          most of the women were nice 
14          and most of them looked good 
15          and only one or two were really dumb and 
16          dull 
17          but JoJo 
18          I can't even categorize. 
19          her letters were slight, repeated 
20          the same things: 
21          "I like your books, would like to meet 
22          you ..." 
23          I wrote back and told her 
24          it would be 
25          all right. 

26          then along came the instructions 
27          where I was to meet 
28          her: at this college 
29          on this date 
30          at this time 

[Page 261]

31          just after her 
32          classes. 

33          the college was up in the 
34          hills and 
35          the day and time 
36          arrived 
37          and with her drawings 
38          of twisting streets 
39          plus a road map 
40          I set out. 

41          it was somewhere between the Rose Bowl 
42          and one of the largest graveyards in 
43          Southern California 
44          and I got there early and sat in my 
45          car 
46          nipping at the Cutty Sark 
47          and looking at the 
48          co-eds---there were so many of 
49          them, one simply couldn't have 
50          them all. 

51          then the bell rang and I got out of my 
52          car and walked to the front of the 
53          building, there was a long row of 
54          steps and the students walked out of the 
55          building and down the steps 
56          and I stood and 
57          waited, and like with airport 
58          arrivals 
59          I had no idea 
60          which one 
61          it would be. 

[Page 262]

62          "Chinaski," somebody said 
63          and there she was: 18, 19, 
64          neither ugly nor beautiful, of 
65          average body and features, 
66          seeming to be neither vicious, 
67          intelligent, dumb or 
68          insane. 

69          we kissed lightly and then 
70          I asked her if she 
71          had a car 
72          and she said 
73          she had a car 
74          and I said, "fine, I'll drive you 
75          to it, then you follow 
76          me ..." 

77          JoJo was a good follower, she followed me all 
78          the way to my beat-up court in east 
79          Hollywood. 

80          I poured her a drink and we talked very 
81          drab talk and kissed a 
82          bit. 
83          the kisses were neither good nor bad 
84          nor interesting or un- 
85          interesting. 

86          much time went by and she drank very 
87          little 
88          and we kissed some more and she said, 
89          "I like your books, they really do things 
90          to me." 
91          "Fuck my books!" I told her. 
92          I was down to my shorts and I had her 
93          skirt up to her ass 

[Page 263]

94          and I was working hard 
95          but she just kissed and 
96          talked. 
97          she responded and she didn't 
98          respond. 

99          then 
100        I gave up and started drinking 
101        heavily. 
102        she mentioned a few of the other 
103        writers 
104        she liked 
105        but she didn't like any of them 
106        the way she liked 
107        me. 

108        "yeah," I poured a new one, "is that 
109        so?" 

110        "I've got to get going," JoJo said, 
111        "I've got a class in the 
112        morning." 

113        "you can sleep here," I suggested, "and 
114        get an early start, I scramble great 
115        eggs." 

116        "no, thank you, I've got to 
117        go ..." 

118        and she left with 
119        several copies of my books 
120        she had never seen 
121        before, 
122        copies I had given her 

[Page 264]

123        much earlier in the 
124        evening. 

125        I had another drink and decided to 
126        sleep it off 
127        as an unexplainable 
128        loss. 

129        I switched off the lights 
130        and threw myself upon the 
131        bed without 
132        washing-up or 
133        brushing my 
134        teeth. 

135        I looked up into the dark 
136        and thought, now, here is one 
137        I will never be able to 
138        write about: 
139        she was neither good nor bad, 
140        real or unreal, kind or 
141        unkind, she was just a girl 
142        from a college 
143        somewhere between the Rose Bowl and 
144        the dumping grounds. 

145        then I began to itch, I scratched 
146        myself, I seemed to feel things 
147        on my face, on my belly, I inhaled, 
148        exhaled, tried to sleep but 
149        the itching got worse, then 
150        I felt a bite, then several bites, 
151        things appeared to be 
152        crawling on me ... 

[Page 265]

153        I rushed to the bathroom 
154        and switched on the light 

155        my god, JoJo had fleas. 

156        I stepped into the shower 
157        stood there 
158        adjusting the water, 
159        thinking, 
160        that poor 
161        dear 
162        girl.

[Page 266]

Bukowski, Charles:an ordinary poem [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            since you've always wanted 
2            to know I am going to admit that I never liked Shakespeare, 
3                   Browning, the 
4            Bronte sisters, 
5            Tolstoy, baseball, summers on the shore, arm- 
6            wrestling, hockey, Thomas Mann, Vivaldi, Winston Churchill, 
7                   Dudley 
8            Moore, free verse, 
9            pizza, bowling, the Olympic Games, the Three Stooges, the 
10                 Marx 
11          Brothers, Ives, Al Jolson, Bob Hope, Frank Sinatra, Mickey 
12          Mouse, basketball, 
13          fathers, mothers, cousins, wives, shack jobs (although preferable 
14          to the former), 
15          and I don't like the Nutcracker Suite, the Academy Awards, 
16                 Hawthorne, 
17          Melville, pumpkin pie, New Year's Eve, Christmas, Labor Day, 
18                 the 
19          Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Good Friday, The Who, 
20          Bacon, Dr. Spock, Blackstone and Berlioz, Franz 
21          Liszt, pantyhose, 
22          lice, fleas, goldfish, crabs, spiders, war 
23          heroes, space flights, camels (I don't trust camels) or the 
24          Bible, 
25          Updike, Erica Jong, Corso, bartenders, fruit flies, Jane 
26          Fonda, 
27          churches, weddings, birthdays, newscasts, watch 
28          dogs, .22 rifles, Henry 
29          Fonda 
30          and all the women who should have loved me but 
31          didn't and 
32          the first day of Spring and the 
33          last 

[Page 267]

34          and the first line of this poem 
35          and this one 
36          that you're reading 
37          now.

[Page 268]

Bukowski, Charles:from an old dog in his cups ... [from You Get So Alone At 
Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            ah, my friend, it's awful, worse 
2            than that---you just get 
3            going good--- 
4            one bottle down and 
5            gone--- 
6            the poems simmering in your 
7            head 
8            but 
9            halfway between 60 and 
10          70 
11          you pause 
12          before opening the 
13          second bottle--- 
14          sometimes 
15          don't 
16          for after 50 years of 
17          heavy drinking 
18          you might assume 
19          that extra bottle 
20          will set you 
21          babbling in some 
22          rest home 
23          or tender you 
24          a stroke 
25          alone in your 
26          place 
27          the cats chewing at 
28          your flesh 
29          as the morning fog 
30          enters the broken 
31          screen. 

[Page 269]

32          one doesn't even think of 
33          the liver 
34          and if the liver 
35          doesn't think of 
36          us, that's 
37          fine. 

38          but it does seem 
39          the more we drink 
40          the better the words 
41          go. 

42          death doesn't matter 
43          but the ultimate inconvenience 
44          of near-death is worse than 
45          galling. 

46          I'll finish the night off 
47          with 
48          beer.

[Page 270]

Bukowski, Charles:let 'em go [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            let's let the bombs go 
2            I'm tired of waiting 

3            I've put away my toys 
4            folded the road maps 
5            canceled my subscription to Time 
6            kissed Disneyland goodbye 

7            I've taken the flea collars off my cats 
8            unplugged the tv 
9            I no longer dream of pink flamingoes 
10          I no longer check the market index 

11          let's let 'em go 
12          let's let 'em blow 

13          I'm tired of waiting 

14          I don't like this kind of blackmail 
15          I don't like governments playing cutesy with my life: 
16          either crap or get off the pot 
17          I'm tired of waiting 
18          I'm tired of dangling 
19          I'm tired of the fix 

20          let the bombs blow 

21          you cheap sniveling cowardly nations 
22          you mindless giants 

23          do it 
24          do it 
25          do it! 

[Page 271]

26          and escape to your planets and space stations 
27          then you can fuck it 
28          up there too.

[Page 272]

Bukowski, Charles:trying to make it [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            new jock in from Arizona 
2            doesn't know this town 
3            but his agent did get him a mount 
4            in the first race 
5            last Saturday 
6            and the jock took the freeway 
7            in 
8            on the same day as 
9            the U.S.C. vs. U.C.L.A. football 
10          game 
11          and got caught 
12          in one of the two special lanes 
13          which took him to the Rose Bowl 
14          instead of the race 
15          track. 
16          he was forced to drive all the way 
17          to the football game 
18          parking lot 
19          before he could turn 
20          around. 
21          by the time he got to the track 
22          the first race 
23          was over. 
24          another jock had won with his 
25          mount. 

26          today out there 
27          I noticed on the program that the 
28          new jock from Arizona 
29          had a good mount in the 
30          6th. 
31          then the horse became a late 
32          scratch. 

[Page 273]

33          sometimes getting started 
34          in the big time 
35          is tantamount to 
36          trying to raise an erection 
37          in a tornado 
38          and even if you do 
39          nobody has the time 
40          to notice.

[Page 274]

Bukowski, Charles:the death of a splendid neighborhood [from You Get So Alone At 
Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            there was a place off Western Ave. 
2            where you went up a stairway 
3            to get head 
4            and there was a big biker 
5            sitting there 
6            wearing his swastika jacket. 
7            he was there to smell you out 
8            if you were the 
9            heat 
10          and to protect the girls 
11          if you weren't. 
12          it was just above the 
13          Philadelphia Hoagie Shop 
14          there in L.A. 
15          where the girls came down 
16          when things got 
17          slow 
18          and ate something 
19          else. 
20          the man who ran the 
21          sandwich shop 
22          hated the girls 
23          he didn't like to 
24          serve them 
25          but he was 
26          afraid not 
27          to. 

28          then one day 
29          I came by 
30          and the biker wasn't there 
31          or the girls 
32          either, 

[Page 275]

33          and it hadn't been a simple 
34          bust 
35          it had been a 
36          shoot-out: 
37          there were bullet holes 
38          in the door 
39          above the 
40          stairway. 

41          I went into the Hoagie shop 
42          for a sandwich and a 
43          beer 
44          and the proprietor told 
45          me, 
46          "things are better 
47          now." 

48          after that 
49          I had to leave town 
50          for a couple of 
51          days 
52          and when I got back 
53          and walked down 
54          to the Hoagie shop 
55          I saw that the plate glass 
56          window 
57          had been busted 
58          out 
59          and was covered with 
60          boards. 
61          inside the walls 
62          and the counter had been 
63          blackened by 
64          fire. 

[Page 276]

65          about that same 
66          time 
67          my girlfriend went crazy 
68          and started screwing one man 
69          after 
70          another. 

71          almost everything good was 
72          gone. 
73          I gave my landlord a month's 
74          notice and moved in 
75          3 weeks.

[Page 277]

Bukowski, Charles:you get so alone at times that it just makes sense [from You 
Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            when I was a starving writer I used to read the major writers 
2                   in the 
3            major magazines (in the library, of course) and it made me feel 
4            very bad because---being a student of the word and the way, I 
5                   realized 
6            that they were faking it: I could sense each false emotion, each 
7            utter pretense, it made me feel that the editors had their 
8            heads up their asses---or were being politicized into publishing 
9            in-groups of power 
10          but 
11          I just kept writing and not eating very much---went down 
12                 from 197 pounds 
13          to 137---but---got very much practice typing and reading 
14                 printed rejection 
15          slips. 

16          it was when I reached 137 pounds that I said, to hell with it, 
17                 quit 
18          typing and concentrated on drinking and the streets and the 
19                 ladies of 
20          the streets---at least those people didn't read Harper's, The 
21                 Atlantic or 
22          Poetry, a magazine of verse. 

23          and frankly, it was a fair and refreshing ten year lay-off 

24          then I came back and tried it again to find that the editors still 
25                 had 
26          their heads up their asses and/or etc. 
27          but I was up to 225 pounds 

[Page 278]

28          rested 
29          and full of background music--- 

30          ready to give it another shot in the 
31          dark.

[Page 279]

Bukowski, Charles:a good gang, after all [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I keep hearing from the old dogs, 
2            men who have been writing for 
3            decades, 
4            poets all, 
5            they're still at their 
6            typers 
7            writing better than 
8            ever 
9            past wives and wars and 
10          jobs 
11          and all the things that 
12          happen. 
13          many I disliked for personal 
14          and artistic 
15          reasons ... 
16          but what I overlooked was 
17          their endurance and 
18          their ability to 
19          improve. 

20          these old dogs 
21          living in smoky rooms 
22          pouring the 
23          bottle ... 

24          they lash against the 
25          typer ribbons: they came 
26          to 
27          fight.

[Page 280]

Bukowski, Charles:this [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
(1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            being drunk at the typer beats being with any woman 
2            I've ever seen or known or heard about 
3            like 
4            Joan of Arc, Cleopatra, Garbo, Harlow, M.M. or 
5            any of the thousands that come and go on that 
6            celluloid screen 
7            or the temporary girls I've seen so lovely 
8            on park benches, on buses, at dances and parties, at 
9            beauty contests, cafes, circuses, parades, department 
10          stores, skeet shoots, balloon flys, auto races, rodeos, 
11          bull fights, mud wrestling, roller derbies, pie bakes, 
12          churches, volleyball games, boat races, county fairs, 
13          rock concerts, jails, laundromats or wherever 

14          being drunk at this typer beats being with any woman 
15          I've ever seen or 
16          known.

[Page 281]

Bukowski, Charles:hot [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
(1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            there's fire in the fingers and there's fire in the shoes and 
there's 
2            fire in walking across a room 
3            there's fire in the cat's eyes and there's fire in the cat's 
4            balls 
5            and the wrist watch crawls like a snake across the back of the 
6            dresser 
7            and the refrigerator contains 9,000 frozen red hot dreams 
8            and as I listen to the symphonies of dead composers 
9            I am consumed with a glad sadness 
10          there's fire in the walls 
11          and the snails in the garden only want love 
12          and there's fire in the crabgrass 
13          we are burning burning burning 
14          there's fire in a glass of water 
15          the tombs of India smile like smitten motherfuckers 
16          the meter maids cry alone at one a.m. on rainy nights 
17          there's fire in the cracks of the sidewalks 
18          and 
19          all during the night as I have been drinking and typing these 
20          eleven or twelve poems 
21          the lights have gone off and on 
22          there is a wild wind outside 
23          and in between times 
24          I have sat in the dark here 
25          electric (haha) typer off lights out radio off 
26          drinking in the dark 
27          lighting cigarettes in the dark 
28          there was fire off the match 
29          we are all burning together 
30          burning brothers and sisters 
31          I like it I like it I like 
32          it.

[Page 282]

Bukowski, Charles:late late late poem [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            you think about the time in 
2            Malibu 
3            after taking the tall girl 
4            to dinner and drinks 
5            you came out to the Volks 
6            and the clutch was 
7            gone 
8            (no Auto Club card) 
9            nothing out there but the 
10          ocean and 
11          25 miles to your 
12          room 
13          (her suitcase there 
14          after an air trip from somewhere 
15          in Texas) 
16          and you say to her, "well, 
17          maybe we'll swim back in," and 
18          she forgets to 
19          smile. 

20          and the problem with 
21          writing these poems 
22          as you get into number 7 or 
23          8 or 9 
24          into the second bottle near 
25          3 a.m. 
26          trying to light your 
27          cigarette with a book of 
28          stamps 
29          after already setting the 
30          wastebasket on fire 

[Page 283]

31          once 
32          is 
33          that there is still some 
34          adventure and joy 
35          in typing 
36          as the radio roars its 
37          classical music 
38          but the content 
39          begins to get 
40          thin.

[Page 284]

Bukowski, Charles:3 a.m. games: [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            the worst thing is 
2            being drunk 

3            all the lighters gone 
4            dumb 

5            matchbooks 
6            empty 

7            cigarette and cigar stubs 
8            all about 

9            you find a small pack of 
10          matches 
11          with 3 paper 
12          matches 

13          but the matches go 
14          limp against the worn match 
15          cover 

16          shit: 
17          drink without smoke is like 
18          cock without 
19          pussy 

20          you drink some 
21          more 
22          search about 

23          find one paper match of 
24          happiness 
25          carefully scratch it 

[Page 285]

26          against the least-worn 
27          empty match 
28          pack 

29          it flares! 
30          you've got your 
31          smoke! 

32          you light 
33          up 

34          you flick the match 
35          toward a 
36          tray 

37          it misses 

38          and 
39          like that ... 

40          a flame rises 

41          everything is BURNING 
42          at last! 

43          : an American Express customer 
44          receipt 

45          : some of the empty match 
46          books 

47          : even one of the dead 
48          lighters 

49          the flame whirls and 
50          leaps 

[Page 286]

51          then the whole ashtray of 
52          cigarette and cigar stubs 
53          begins to smoke 
54          as if mouths were inhaling 
55          them 

56          you battle the flames with 
57          various and sundry objects 
58          including your 
59          hands 

60          until finally the flame is 
61          gone and there is nothing but 
62          smoke 

63          as again you get that 
64          re-occurring thought: I must be 
65          crazy. 

66          you hear your wife's 
67          voice: 

68          "Hank, are you all 
69          right?" 

70          she's on the other side of 
71          the wall in the 
72          bedroom 

73          "oh, I'm fine ..." 

74          "I smell smoke ... is the house burning 
75          down?" 

76          "just a small fire, Linda ... I got 
77          it ... go to sleep ..." 

[Page 287]

78          she is the one who got you 
79          the steel wastebasket 
80          after a similar 
81          occurrence 

82          soon she is asleep 
83          again 

84          and you're searching 

85          for more 
86          matches.

[Page 288]

Bukowski, Charles:someday I'm going to write a primer for crippled saints but 
meanwhile ... [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), 
Black Sparrow Press]

1            as the Bomb sits out there in the hands of a 
2            diminishing species 
3            all you want 
4            is me sitting next to you 
5            with popcorn and Dr. Pepper 
6            as those dull celluloid teeth 
7            chew away at 
8            my remains. 

9            I don't worry too much about the 
10          Bomb---the madhouses are full 
11          enough 
12          and I always remember 
13          after one of the best pieces of ass 
14          I ever had 
15          I went to the bathroom and 
16          masturbated---hard to kill a man 
17          like that with a 
18          Bomb? 

19          anyhow, I've finally shaken 
20          R. Jeffers and Celine from my 
21          belltower 
22          and I sit there alone 
23          with you and 
24          Dostoevsky 
25          as the real and the 
26          artificial heart 
27          continues to 
28          falter, 
29          famished ... 

[Page 289]

30          I love you but 
31          don't know what to 
32          do.

[Page 290]

Bukowski, Charles:help wanted [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            I was a crazed young man and then found this book written 
2                   by a 
3            crazed older man and I felt better because he was 
4            able to write it down 
5            and then I found a later book by this same crazed older 
6            man 
7            only to me 
8            he seemed no longer crazed he just appeared to be 
9            dull--- 
10          we all hold up well for a while, then inherent with flaws and 
11          skips and misses 
12          most of us 
13          so often deteriorate overnight 
14          into a state so near defecation 
15          that the end result is almost unbearable to the 
16          senses. 

17          luckily, I found a few other crazed men who almost remained 
18                 that 
19          way until they 
20          died. 

21          that's more sporting, you know, and lends a bit more to our 
22          lives 
23          as we attend to our--- 
24          inumbrate--- 
25          tasks.

[Page 291]

Bukowski, Charles:sticks and stones ... [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            complaint is often the result of an insufficient 
2            ability 
3            to live within 
4            the obvious restrictions of this 
5            god damned cage. 
6            complaint is a common deficiency 
7            more prevalent than 
8            hemorrhoids 
9            and as these lady writers hurl their spiked shoes 
10          at me 
11          wailing that 
12          their poems will never be 
13          promulgated 
14          all that I can say to them 
15          is 
16          show me more leg 
17          show me more ass--- 
18          that's all you (or I) have 
19          while 
20          it lasts 

21          and for this common and obvious truth 
22          they screech at me: 
23          MOTHERFUCKER SEXIST PIG! 

24          as if that would stop the way fruit trees 
25          drop their fruit 
26          or the ocean brings in the coni and 
27          the dead spores of the Grecian 
28          Empire 

29          but I feel no grief for being called something 
30          which 

[Page 292]

31          I am not; 
32          in fact, it's enthralling, somehow, like a good 
33          back rub 
34          on a frozen night 
35          behind the ski lift at 
36          Aspen.

[Page 293]

Bukowski, Charles:working [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            ah, those days when I 
2            ran them 
3            in and out of my 
4            shabby apartment. 

5            god, I was a hairy 
6            ugly 
7            thing 

8            and I backed them 
9            all onto the 
10          springs 

11          flailing 
12          away 

13          I was the mindless 
14          drunken ape 
15          in a sad and 
16          dying 
17          neighborhood. 

18          but strangest 
19          of all 
20          were the 
21          new and continuous 
22          arrivals: 

23          it was a 
24          female 
25          parade 

[Page 294]

26          and 
27          I exulted 
28          pranced and 
29          pounced 

30          with hardly 
31          an idea 
32          of what 
33          it 
34          meant. 

35          it was a well- 
36          remembered bed- 
37          room 
38          painted a strange 
39          blue. 

40          and 
41          most of the 
42          ladies 
43          left just before 
44          noon 

45          about the time 
46          the mailman 
47          arrived. 

48          he spoke to me 
49          one day, "my god, 
50          man, where do you 
51          get them all?" 

52          "I don't know," I 
53          told him. 

[Page 295]

54          "pardon me," he went 
55          on, "but you don't 
56          exactly look like 
57          God's gift to 
58          women, how do you 
59          do it?" 

60          "I don't know," 
61          I said. 

62          and it was 
63          true: it just 
64          happened and I 
65          did it 

66          in my blue 
67          bedroom 
68          with my 
69          dead mother's 
70          best lace table 
71          linen 
72          tacked up 
73          over the 
74          window. 

75          I was a 
76          fucking 
77          fool.

[Page 296]

Bukowski, Charles:over done [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            he had somehow located me again---he was on the 
2                   telephone---talking 
3            about the old days--- 
4            wonder whatever happened to Michael or Ken or 
5            Julie Anne?--- 
6            and remember...? 

7            ---then 
8            there were his present problems--- 

9            ---he was a talker---he had always been a 
10          talker--- 

11          and I had been a 
12          listener 

13          I had listened because I hadn't wanted to 
14          hurt him 
15          by telling him to shut up 
16          like the others 
17          did 
18          in the old 
19          days 

20          now 
21          he was back 

22          and 
23          I held the phone out 
24          at arm's length 
25          and could still hear the 
26          sound--- 

[Page 297]

27          I handed the phone to my girlfriend and 
28          she listened for a 
29          while--- 

30          finally 
31          I took the phone and told him--- 

32          hey, man, we've got to stop, the meat's burning 
33          in the oven! 

34          he said, o.k., man, I'll call you 
35          back--- 

36          (one thing I remembered about my 
37          old buddy: he was good for his 
38          word) 

39          I put the phone back on the 
40          receiver--- 

41          ---we don't have any meat in the 
42          oven, said my 
43          girlfriend--- 

44          ---yes, we do, I told her, 
45          it's 
46          me.

[Page 298]

Bukowski, Charles:our laughter is muted by their agony [from You Get So Alone At 
Times That It Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            as the child crosses the street as deep sea divers 
2            dive as the painters paint--- 
3            the good fight against terrible odds is the vin- 
4            dication and the glory as the swallow rises toward 
5            the moon--- 
6            it is so dark now with the sadness of 
7            people 
8            they were tricked, they were taught to expect the 
9            ultimate when nothing is 
10          promised 
11          now young girls weep alone in small rooms 
12          old men angrily swing their canes at 
13          visions as 
14          ladies comb their hair as 
15          ants search for survival 
16          history surrounds us 
17          and our lives 
18          slink away 
19          in 
20          shame.

[Page 299]

Bukowski, Charles:murder [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            competition, greed, desire for fame--- 
2            after great beginnings they mostly 
3            write when they don't want to write, they write to 
4            order, they write for Cadillacs and younger 
5            girls---and to pay off 
6            old wives. 

7            they appear on talk shows, attend parties 
8            with their peers. 
9            most go to Hollywood, they become snipers and 
10          gossips 
11          and have more and more affairs with younger 
12          and younger girls and/or 
13          men. 
14          they write between Hollywood and the parties, 
15          it's timeclock writing 
16          and in between the panties and/or the 
17          jockstraps 
18          and the cocaine 
19          many of them manage to screw up with the 
20          IRS. 

21          between old wives, new wives, newer and 
22          newer girls (and/or) 
23          all their royalties and residuals--- 
24          the hundreds of thousands of 
25          dollars--- 
26          are now suddenly 
27          debts. 

28          the writing becomes a useless 
29          spasm 
30          a jerk-off of a once 

[Page 300]

31          mighty 
32          gift. 

33          it happens and happens and 
34          continues to: 
35          the mutilation of talent 
36          the gods seldom 
37          give 
38          but so quickly 
39          take.

[Page 301]

Bukowski, Charles:what am I doing? [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            got to stop battling these wild speed jocks on the freeway as 
2                   we 
3            roar through hairline openings with stereo blasting through 
4            noon and evening and darkness 
5            when actually all we want is to sit in cool green gardens 
6            talking quietly over drinks. 
7            what makes us this way?---ingrown toenails?---or that the ladies 
8            are not enough?---what foolishness makes us tweak the nose of 
9            Death 
10                    continually? 
11          are we afraid of the slow bedpan?---or slobbering over half- 
12          cooked peas brought to us by a bored nurse with thick 
13          dumb legs? 
14          what wanton hare-brained impulse makes us floor it with 
15          only one hand on the wheel? 
16          don't we realize the peace of aging 
17          gently? 
18          what hell-call is this to war? 

19          we are the sickest of the breed---as fine museums---great art--- 
20          generations of knowledge---are all forgotten 
21          as we find profundity in being an 
22          asshole--- 
23          we are going to end up as a 
24          photograph---almost life-sized---hanging 
25          as a warning on the 
26          Traffic Court wall 

27          and people will shudder just a bit and 
28          look the other way 

29          knowing that 
30          too much ego is not 
31          enough.

[Page 302]

Bukowski, Charles:nervous people [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just 
Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            you go in for an item---take it to the clerk at the register---he 
2            doesn't know the price---begs leave---returns after a long 
3            time---stares at the electronic cash register---rings up the 
4            sale with some difficulty: $47,583.64---you don't have it 
5            with you---he laughs---calls for help---another clerk 
6            arrives---after another long time he finds a new total: 
7            $1.27. I pay---then must ask for a bag---I thank the 
8            clerk---walk to parking with the lady I am with---"you 
9            make people nervous," she tells me--- 

10          we drive home with the item---we put the item to its task---it 
11          doesn't work---the item has a factory 
12          defect--- 
13          "I'll take it back," she says--- 

14          I go to the bathroom and piss squarely in the center of the 
15          pot---warfare is just one of the problems which besets everyone 
16          during the life of a decent day.

[Page 303]

Bukowski, Charles:working out [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            Van Gogh cut off his ear 
2            gave it to a 
3            prostitute 
4            who flung it away in 
5            extreme 
6            disgust. 

7            Van, whores don't want 
8            ears 
9            they want 
10          money. 

11          I guess that's why you were 
12          such a great 
13          painter: you 
14          didn't understand 
15          much 
16          else.

[Page 304]

Bukowski, Charles:how is your heart? [from You Get So Alone At Times That It 
Just Makes Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            during my worst times 
2            on the park benches 
3            in the jails 
4            or living with 
5            whores 
6            I always had this certain 
7            contentment--- 
8            I wouldn't call it 
9            happiness--- 
10          it was more of an inner 
11          balance 
12          that settled for 
13          whatever was occurring 
14          and it helped in the 
15          factories 
16          and when relationships 
17          went wrong 
18          with the 
19          girls. 

20          it helped 
21          through the 
22          wars and the 
23          hangovers 
24          the backalley fights 
25          the 
26          hospitals. 

27          to awaken in a cheap room 
28          in a strange city and 
29          pull up the shade--- 
30          this was the craziest kind of 
31          contentment 

[Page 305]

32          and to walk across the floor 
33          to an old dresser with a 
34          cracked mirror--- 
35          see myself, ugly, 
36          grinning at it all. 

37          what matters most is 
38          how well you 
39          walk through the 
40          fire.

[Page 306]

Bukowski, Charles:forget it [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            now, listen, when I die I don't want any crying, just get the 
2            disposal under way, I've had a full some life, and 
3            if anybody has had an edge, I've 
4            had it, I've lived 7 or 8 lives in one, enough for 
5            anybody. 
6            we are all, finally, the same, so no speeches, please, 
7            unless you want to say he played the horses and was very 
8            good at that. 

9            you're next and I already know something you don't, 
10          maybe.

[Page 307]

Bukowski, Charles:quiet [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense 
(1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            sitting tonight 
2            at this 
3            table 
4            by the 
5            window 

6            the woman is 
7            glooming 
8            in the 
9            bedroom 

10          these are her 
11          especially bad 
12          days. 

13          well, I have 
14          mine 

15          so 
16          in deference 
17          to her 

18          the typewriter 
19          is 
20          still. 

21          it's odd, 
22          printing this stuff 
23          by 
24          hand 

25          reminds me of 
26          days 

[Page 308]

27          past 
28          when things were 
29          not 
30          going well 
31          in another 
32          fashion. 

33          now 
34          the cat comes to 
35          see 
36          me 

37          he flops 
38          under the table 
39          between my 
40          feet 

41          we are both 
42          melting 
43          in the same 
44          fire. 

45          and, dear 
46          cat, we're still 
47          working with the 
48          poem 

49          and some have 
50          noted 
51          that there's some 
52          "slippage" 
53          here. 

54          well, at age 
55          65, I can 
56          "slip" 

[Page 309]

57          plenty, yet still 
58          run rings 
59          around 
60          those pamby 
61          critics. 

62          Li Po knew 
63          what to do: 
64          drink another 
65          bottle and 
66          face 
67          the consequences. 

68          I turn to my 
69          right, see this huge 
70          head (reflected in the 
71          window) sucking at 
72          a cigarette 
73          and 

74          we grin at 
75          each 
76          other. 

77          then 
78          I turn 
79          back 

80          sit here 
81          and 
82          print more words upon this 
83          paper 

84          there is never 
85          a final 

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86          grand 
87          statement 

88          and that's the 
89          fix 
90          and the trick 
91          that works 
92          against 
93          us 

94          but 
95          I wish you could see 
96          my 
97          cat 

98          he has a 
99          splash 
100        of white on his 
101        face 
102        against an 
103        orange-yellow 
104        background 

105        and then 
106        as I look up 
107        and into the 
108        kitchen 

109        I see a bright 
110        portion 
111        under the overhead 
112        light 

113        that shades into 
114        darkness 

[Page 311]

115        and then into darker 
116        darkness and 
117        I can't see 
118        beyond 
119        that.

[Page 312]

Bukowski, Charles:it's ours [from You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes 
Sense (1986), Black Sparrow Press]

1            there is always that space there 
2            just before they get to us 
3            that space 
4            that fine relaxer 
5            the breather 
6            while say 
7            flopping on a bed 
8            thinking of nothing 
9            or say 
10          pouring a glass of water from the 
11          spigot 
12          while entranced by 
13          nothing 

14          that 
15          gentle pure 
16          space 

17          it's worth 

18          centuries of 
19          existence 

20          say 

21          just to scratch your neck 
22          while looking out the window at 
23          a bare branch 

24          that space 
25          there 
26          before they get to us 

[Page 313]

27          ensures 
28          that 
29          when they do 
30          they won't 
31          get it all 

32          ever.

Copyright © 1986 by Charles Bukowski.

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