Charles Bukowski

War all the time

Preface

     Some of these poems have appeared in the following magazines:
     Blow, Electrum, Long Shot, Poetry L.A., Poetry Now, Random
     Wierdness, Sepia and Wormwood Review. Grateful acknowledgment is
     made to the editors.

     [Page 5]

                                 Dedication

                             for Darrell Vienna

     [Page 11]

     some of my readers

     1            I liked it coming out of that expensive
     2            cafe in Germany
     3            that rainy night
     4            some of the ladies had learned that I
     5            was in there
     6            and as I walked out well-fed and
     7            intoxicated
     8            the ladies waved
     9            placards
     10          and screamed at me
     11          but all I recognized was my
     12          name.

     13          I asked a German friend what they were
     14          saying.

     15          "they hate you," he told me,
     16          "they belong to the German Female
     17          Liberation Movement ..."

     18          I stood and watched them, they were
     19          beautiful and screaming, I
     20          loved them all, I laughed, waved,
     21          blew them kisses.

     22          then my friend, my publisher and my
     23          girlfriend got me into the car; the
     24          engine started, the windshield wipers
     25          began thrashing
     26          and as we drove off in the rain
     27          I looked back
     28          watched them standing in that
     29          terrible weather
     30          waving their placards and their
     31          fists.

     32          it was nice to be recognized
     33          in the country of my birth, that

     [Page 12]

     34          was what mattered
     35          most ...

                                 [Image]

     36          back at the hotel room
     37          opening bottles of wine
     38          with my friends

     39          I missed them,
     40          those angry wet
     41          passionate ladies
     42          of the night.

     [Page 13]

     talking to my mailbox ...

     1            boy, don't come around here telling me you
     2            can't cut it, that
     3            they're pitching you low and inside, that
     4            they are conspiring against you,
     5            that all you want is a chance but they won't
     6            give you a
     7            chance.

     8            boy, the problem is that you're not doing
     9            what you want to do, or
     10          if you're doing what you want to do, you're
     11          just not doing it
     12          well.

     13          boy, I agree:
     14          there's not much opportunity, and there are
     15          some at the top who are
     16          not doing much better than you
     17          are
     18          but
     19          you're wasting energy haranguing and
     20          bitching.

     21          boy, I'm not advising, just suggesting that
     22          instead of sending your poems to me
     23          along with your letters of
     24          complaint
     25          you should enter the
     26          arena---
     27          send your work to the editors and
     28          publishers, it will
     29          buck up your backbone and your
     30          versatility.

     31          boy, I wish to thank you for the
     32          praise for some of my
     33          published works
     34          but that

     [Page 14]

     35          has nothing to do with
     36          anything and won't help a
     37          purple shit, you've just got to
     38          learn to hit that low, hard
     39          inside pitch.

     40          this is a form letter
     41          I send to almost everybody, but
     42          I hope you take it
     43          personally,
     44          man.

     [Page 15]

     the last generation

     1            it was much easier to be a genius in the twenties,
     there were
     2            only 3 or 4 literary magazines and if you got into
     them
     3            4 or 5 times you could end up in Gertie's parlor
     4            you could possibly meet Picasso for a glass of wine,
     or
     5            maybe only Mir?.

     6            and yes, if you sent your stuff postmarked from Paris

     7            chances of publication became much better.
     8            most writers bottomed their manuscripts with the
     9            word "Paris" and the date.

     10          and with a patron there was time to
     11          write, eat, drink and take drives to Italy and
     sometimes
     12          Greece.
     13          it was good to be photo'd with others of your kind
     14          it was good to look tidy, enigmatic and thin.
     15          photos taken on the beach were great.

     16          and yes, you could write letters to the 15 or 20
     17          others
     18          bitching about this and that.

     19          you might get a letter from Ezra or from Hem; Ezra
     liked
     20          to give directions and Hem liked to practice his
     writing
     21          in his letters when he couldn't do the other.

     22          it was a romantic grand game then, full of the fury of

     23          discovery.

     24          now

     25          now there are so many of us, hundreds of literary
     magazines,
     26          hundreds of presses, thousands of titles.

     27          who is to survive out of all this mulch?
     28          it's almost improper to ask.

     29          I go back, I read the books about the lives of the
     boys

     [Page 16]

     30          and girls of the twenties.
     31          if they were the Lost Generation, what would you call
     us?
     32          sitting here among the warheads with our
     electric-touch
     33          typewriters?

     34          the Last Generation?

     35          I'd rather be Lost than Last but as I read these books
     about
     36          them
     37          I feel a gentleness and a generosity

     38          as I read of the suicide of Harry Crosby in his hotel
     room
     39          with his whore
     40          that seems as real to me as the faucet dripping now
     41          in my bathroom sink.

     42          I like to read about them: Joyce blind and prowling
     the
     43          bookstores like a tarantula, they said.
     44          Dos Passos with his clipped newscasts using a pink
     type-
     45          writer ribbon.
     46          D. H. horny and pissed-off, H. D. being smart enough
     to use
     47          her initials which seemed much more literary than
     Hilda
     48          Doolittle.

     49          G. B. Shaw, long established, as noble and
     50          dumb as royalty, flesh and brain turning to marble. a
     51          bore.

     52          Huxley promenading his brain with great glee, arguing
     53          with Lawrence that it wasn't in the belly and the
     balls,
     54          that the glory was in the skull.

     55          and that hick Sinclair Lewis coming to light.

     56          meanwhile
     57          the revolution being over, the Russians were liberated
     and
     58          dying.
     59          Gorky with nothing to fight for, sitting in a room
     trying

     [Page 17]

     60          to find phrases praising the government.
     61          many others broken in victory.

     62          now

     63          now there are so many of us
     64          but we should be grateful, for in a hundred years
     65          if the world is not destroyed, think, how much
     66          there will be left of all of this:
     67          nobody really able to fail or to succeed---just
     68          relative merit, diminished further by
     69          our numerical superiority.
     70          we will all be catalogued and filed.
     71          all right ...

     72          if you still have doubts of those other golden
     73          times
     74          there were other curious creatures: Richard
     75          Aldington, Teddy Dreiser, F. Scott, Hart Crane,
     Wyndham
     76                   Lewis, the
     77          Black Sun Press.

     78          but to me, the twenties centered mostly on Hemingway
     79          coming out of the war and beginning to type.

     80          it was all so simple, all so deliciously clear

     81          now

     82          there are so many of us.

     83          Ernie, you had no idea how good it had been
     84          four decades later when you blew your brains into
     85          the orange juice

     86          although
     87          I grant you
     88          that was not your best work.

     [Page 18]

     windy night

     1            they smile and bring the food
     2            they smile and bow
     3            as a light hurricane rattles the
     4            blinds

     5            as the scarlet ibis appears
     6            and dances in the guano
     7            on my plate

     8            I'm not hungry anyhow

     9            Leda, Tyndareus, Clytemnestra,
     10          Castor, Pollux or anybody else
     11          I know wouldn't
     12          eat this stuff.

     13          I ask for a doggy bag.
     14          they smile and scoop the meal
     15          into there.

     16          later in my kitchen I divide
     17          the meal onto their plates
     18          place them upon the floor

     19          as my 3 cats remain motionless
     20          staring up at me
     21          as I ask them, "What's the matter?
     22          What's the matter? Eat it!"

     23          the hurricane scratches
     24          branches against the window
     25          as I switch out the kitchen
     26          light
     27          walk out of there and into
     28          the other room
     29          switch on the tv
     30          just as a cop shoots a
     31          man at the top of a fire escape

     [Page 19]

     32          and he falls and falls
     33          toppling and flattening in the
     34          street:

     35          he will never have to eat
     36          Szechwan shrimp with Chinese
     37          peas
     38          again.

     [Page 20]

     here I am

     1            drunk at 3 a.m. at the bottom of my 2nd bottle
     2            of wine, I have typed from a dozen to 15 pages of
     3            poesy
     4            an old man
     5            maddened for the flesh of young girls in this
     6            dwindling twilight
     7            liver gone
     8            kidneys going
     9            pancreas pooped
     10          top-floor blood pressure

     11          while the fear of wasted years
     12          laughs between my toes
     13          no woman will live with me
     14          no Florence Nightingale to watch
     15          over me.

     16          if I have a stroke I will lay here for six
     17          days, my three cats hungrily ripping the flesh
     18          from my legs, wrists, head

     19          the radio playing classical music.

     20          I promised myself never to write old man poems
     21          but this one's funny, you see, excusable, be-
     22          cause there's
     23          still more left
     24          here at 3 a.m. and I am going to take this sheet from
     25          the typer
     26          pour another glass and
     27          insert another
     28          make love to the fresh new whiteness

     29          maybe get lucky
     30          again

     31          first for
     32          me

     [Page 21]

     33          later
     34          for you.

     [Page 22]

     training for Kid Aztec

     1            I was a young guy in Los Angeles.
     2            there were little bars
     3            around the Plaza, small Mexican
     4            bars, and there was one large
     5            one, well-frequented, and I
     6            started the night out there
     7            but it was too mellow
     8            full of decent working types
     9            so I got out
     10          found a winding little alley,
     11          dark
     12          and I followed it down
     13          switchblade in pocket until
     14          I found this little bar
     15          at the alley's end
     16          went in
     17          sat on a stool and ordered a
     18          bottle of beer.
     19          there were 4 Mexicans in there
     20          including the bartender
     21          and I sat looking straight
     22          ahead
     23          lifting my beer now and
     24          then.

     25          I was a crazy son of a bitch
     26          ready to go all the way
     27          better not fuck
     28          with me ...

     29          I finished the bottle
     30          ordered another.

     31          "where the hell are the
     32          women?" I asked.

     33          no answer.

     [Page 23]

     34          "I shouldn't be in here,"
     35          I said, "I'm training for a
     36          fight at the Olympic, a four-
     37          rounder, I'm fighting Kid
     38          Aztec ..."

     39          silence.

     40          I got off my stool, stood
     41          up, sneered, "anybody here want
     42          to spar a little, huh?"

     43          no answer.

     44          I put a coin in the
     45          juke box.
     46          the music came on and
     47          I shadow boxed to
     48          it.

     49          when the piece was
     50          finished I sat down and
     51          ordered another beer.

     52          "I'm a killer," I told
     53          the barkeep, "a born
     54          killer ... I'm sorry for
     55          Kid Aztec ..."

     56          the barkeep took my
     57          money, rang it into the
     58          register
     59          his back to me.

     60          I said to his
     61          back: "on top of
     62          everything, I'm a writer.

     [Page 24]

     63          I write short stories,
     64          novels, poems,
     65          essays ..."

     66          "Se?or, you write
     67          poems?" asked a big
     68          Mexican at the end of the
     69          bar.

     70          "shit, yes ..."

     71          "what do you write these
     72          poems about?"

     73          "love ..."

     74          "oh, love, Se?or?"

     75          "love poems to
     76          Death ..."

     77          I drained my bottle,
     78          ordered another.

     79          "I write too,
     80          Se?or ..."

     81          "oh yeah?"

     82          "oh yes, I stick my pencil into
     83          women and I write
     84          inside of them."

     85          the other Mexicans
     86          laughed.
     87          I waited until they were
     88          finished.

     [Page 25]

     89          "you guys are fools, you
     90          laugh like fools!"

     91          "maybe so, Se?or, but even fools
     92          have a right to laugh,
     93          no?"

     94          I peeled the label off
     95          my beer, stuck it face down on
     96          the bar, finished
     97          off the bottle.

     98          "another beer, Se?or?" asked
     99          the barkeep.

     100        "naw, that's enough, I got to
     101        get my rest ..."

     102        I walked toward the
     103        exit.

     104        "good luck with your fight with
     105        Kid Aztec, Se?or," somebody
     106        said.

                                 [Image]

     107        I walked up the little
     108        alley, stopped to puke in a
     109        dark corner, finished, walked
     110        out on the street
     111        looking for a poem, a better
     112        bar, something,
     113        anything.

     114        I had only bored them with
     115        my dangerousness.

     [Page 26]

     116        all the nights were the
     117        same and the days were
     118        worse.

     119        I stood under a tree at
     120        the edge of the Plaza
     121        lighting a cigarette and
     122        trying to look like a
     123        killer.

     124        nobody noticed.

     125        maybe they never
     126        would.

     127        I had held the match
     128        too long, it burned my
     129        fingers.
     130        I cursed loudly, stepped
     131        out and began walking
     132        toward the train
     133        station

     134        somebody had told me
     135        that the hookers were
     136        sucking them off right on the
     137        loading ramps ...

     [Page 27]

     Sparks

     1            the factory off Santa Fe Ave. was
     2            best.
     3            we packed heavy lighting fixtures into
     4            long heavy boxes
     5            then flipped the boxes into stacks
     6            six high.
     7            then the loaders would
     8            come by
     9            clear your table and
     10          you'd go for the next six.

     11          ten hour day
     12          four on Saturday
     13          the pay was union
     14          pretty good for unskilled labor
     15          and if you didn't come in
     16          with muscles
     17          you got them soon enough

     18          most of us in
     19          white t-shirts and jeans
     20          cigarettes dangling
     21          sneaking beers
     22          management looking
     23          the other way

     24          not many whites
     25          the whites didn't last:
     26          lousy workers
     27          mostly Mexicans and
     28          blacks
     29          cool and mean

     30          now and then
     31          a blade flashed
     32          or somebody got
     33          punched-out

     [Page 28]

     34          management looking
     35          the other way

     36          the few whites who lasted
     37          were crazy

     38          the work got done
     39          and the young Mexican girls
     40          kept us
     41          cheerful and hoping
     42          their eyes flashing
     43          messages
     44          from the
     45          assembly line.

     46          I was one of the
     47          crazy whites
     48          who lasted
     49          I was a good worker
     50          just for the rhythm of it
     51          just for the hell of it
     52          and after ten hours
     53          of heavy labor
     54          after exchanging insults
     55          living through skirmishes
     56          with those not cool enough to
     57          abide
     58          we left
     59          still fresh

     60          we climbed into our old
     61          automobiles to
     62          go to our places
     63          to drink half the night
     64          to fight with our women

     65          to return the next morning
     66          to punch in

     [Page 29]

     67          knowing we were
     68          suckers
     69          making the rich
     70          richer

     71          we swaggered
     72          in our white t-shirts and
     73          jeans
     74          gliding past
     75          the young Mexican girls

     76          we were mean and perfect
     77          for what we were
     78          hungover
     79          we could
     80          damn well
     81          do the job

     82          but
     83          it didn't touch us
     84          ever

     85          those filthy peeling walls

     86          the sound of drills and
     87          cutting blades

     88          the sparks

     89          we were some gang
     90          in that death ballet

     91          we were magnificent

     92          we gave them
     93          better than they asked

     94          yet

     [Page 30]

     95          we gave them
     96          nothing.

     [Page 31]

     all the casualties ...

     1            I told her then in bed
     2            after flying all the way
     3            down there
     4            I told her in bed
     5            afterwards,
     6            "there's no going back,
     7            you know, it's too god
     8            damned bad ..."

     9            and it was
     10          although I stayed 2 or
     11          3 days
     12          and then she drove me
     13          to the airport
     14          the dog was in the
     15          back seat
     16          that dog who had lived
     17          with us
     18          those few
     19          years.

     20          I got out
     21          told her
     22          "don't come in,"
     23          the dog jumped up
     24          and down,
     25          he knew I was going,
     26          I roughed him up,
     27          he slobbered across
     28          my face.
     29          what crap.
     30          I leaned in
     31          holding my bag,
     32          she gave me a little
     33          goodbye kiss,
     34          then I turned and
     35          walked into the
     36          airport office

     [Page 32]

     37          up to the counter
     38          got out the
     39          other half of the round-trip
     40          ticket.

     41          "smoking or non-
     42          smoking?" the clerk
     43          asked.

     44          "drinking," I
     45          said.

     46          I got my boarding pass
     47          and walked toward
     48          the gate
     49          feeling bad

     50          for everybody
     51          I knew

     52          didn't know

     53          would
     54          know.

     [Page 33]

     A Love Poem

     1            all the women
     2            all their kisses the
     3            different ways they love and
     4            talk and need.

     5            their ears they all have
     6            ears and
     7            throats and dresses
     8            and shoes and
     9            automobiles and ex-
     10          husbands.

     11          mostly
     12          the women are very
     13          warm they remind me of
     14          buttered toast with the butter
     15          melted
     16          in.

     17          there is a look in the
     18          eye: they have been
     19          taken they have been
     20          fooled. I don't quite know what to
     21          do for
     22          them.

     23          I am
     24          a fair cook a good
     25          listener
     26          but I never learned to
     27          dance---I was busy
     28          then with larger things.

     29          but I've enjoyed their different
     30          beds
     31          smoking cigarettes
     32          staring at the
     33          ceilings. I was neither vicious nor

     [Page 34]

     34          unfair. only
     35          a student.

     36          I know they all have these
     37          feet and barefoot they go across the floor as
     38          I watch their bashful buttocks in the
     39          dark. I know that they like me, some even
     40          love me
     41          but I love very
     42          few.

     43          some give me oranges and vitamin pills;
     44          others talk quietly of
     45          childhood and fathers and
     46          landscapes; some are almost
     47          crazy but none of them are without
     48          meaning; some love
     49          well, others not
     50          so; the best at sex are not always the
     51          best in other
     52          ways; each has limits as I have
     53          limits and we learn
     54          each other
     55          quickly.

     56          all the women all the
     57          women all the
     58          bedrooms
     59          the rugs the
     60          photos the
     61          curtains, it's
     62          something like a church only
     63          at times there's
     64          laughter.

     65          those ears those
     66          arms those
     67          elbows those eyes

     [Page 35]

     68          looking, the fondness and
     69          the wanting I have been
     70          held I have been
     71          held.

     [Page 36]

     Horsemeat

     I

     1            I park, get out, lock the car, it's a perfect day,
     warm and
     2            easy, I feel all right, I begin walking toward the
     track
     3            entrance and a little fat guy joins me, he walks at
     my side,
     4            I don't know where he came from.
     5            "hi," he says, "how you doing?"
     6            "o.k.," I say.
     7            he says, "I guess you don't remember me. you've seen
     me before,
     8            maybe two or three times."
     9            "maybe so," I say, "I'm at the track every day."
     10          "I come maybe three or four times a month," he says.
     11          "with your wife?" I ask.
     12          "oh no," he says, "I never bring my wife."
     13          we walk along and I walk faster; he struggles to keep
     up.

     14          "who you like in the first?" he asks.
     15          I tell him that I haven't gotten the Form yet.

     16          "where do you sit?" he asks.
     17          I tell him that I sit in a different place every time.

     18          "that God-damned Gilligan," he says, "is the worst
     jock
     19          at the track. lost a bundle on him the other day. why
     20          do they use him?"
     21          I tell him Whittingham and Longden think he's all
     22          right.
     23          "sure, they're friends," he answers. "I know something
     about
     24          Gilligan. want to hear it?"
     25          I tell him to forget it.

     26          we are nearing the newspaper stands near the entrance
     27          and I slant off toward the left as if I were going to
     buy
     28          a paper.
     29          "good luck," I tell him and drift off.
     30          he appears startled, his eyes go into shock; he
     reminds me
     31          of some women who only feel secure when somebody's
     thumb is
     32          up their ass.

     [Page 37]

     33          he looks about, spots a grey-haired old man with a
     34          limp, rushes up, catches stride with the old guy and
     begins
     35          talking to him ...

                                     II

     [36]  Being alone has always been very necessary to me. At one
     time I
     was on a hot winning streak at the racetrack. The money just
     came to me. A certain basic simple system was working for me.
     The horses moved south and I walked off my job and followed
     them down to Del Mar.

     [37]     It was a good life. I'd win each day at the track. I had
     a routine.
     After the track I'd stop off at the liquor store for my fifth of
     whiskey and my six-pack of beer and the cigars. Then I'd get
     back into the car and cruise the coast for a motel, park, carry in

     my stuff, shower, change clothes and then get my ass back into
     the car and cruise the coast again---this time for an eating
     place.
     And what I would look for was an eating place without people in
     it. (The worst, I know.) But I didn't like crowds. I always found
     one. Went in and ordered.

     [38]     So, this particular night, I found a place, went in, sat
     at the
     counter, ordered: porterhouse with french fries, beer. Everything
     was fine. The waitress didn't bother me. I sucked at my beer,
     ordered another. Then the meal came. God damn, it looked
     good. I began. I had a few fine bites, then the door opened and
     this fellow came in. There were 14 empty stools at the counter.
     This fellow sat down next to me.

     [39]     "Hi, Doris, how's it going?"

     [40]     "O.k., Eddie. How ya doing?"

     [41]     "Fine."

     [42]     "What'll ya have, Eddie?"

     [43]     "Oh, just a coffee, I guess ..."

     [44]     Doris brought Eddie his coffee.

     [45]     "I think the fuel pump on my car is going out ..."

     [46]     "Always some damn thing, huh Eddie?"

     [47]     "Yeah, now my wife needs new plates, Doris."

     [48]     "You mean houseware?"

     [Page 38]

     [49]     "I mean mouthware!"

     [50]     "Oh, Eddie, ha, ha, ha!"

     [51]     "Well," Eddie said, "when it rains it pours!"

     [52]     I picked up my plate and my beer, my fork, my knife, my
     spoon, my napkin, my ass and moved it all over to a far booth. I
     sat down and began again. As I did I watched Eddie and Doris.
     They were whispering. Then Doris looked at me:

     [53]     "Is everything all right, sir?"

     [54]     "Now," I told her, "it is."

     III

     55          a fat Mexican woman in front of me in line
     56          lays down her last two dollars all in change:
     57          quarters, dimes and nickles
     58          as she calls the wrong number.
     59          I walk up, bet twenty win and call the
     60          wrong number also as
     61          a fart of thunder erupts in the sky followed
     62          by a distant light
     63          small drops of rain begin their work and we
     64          go out and watch the last race:
     65          12 three-year-olds at a flat mile, non-winners
     66          of two races
     67          they break in a spill of color and chance
     68          fight for position on the quick turn
     69          enter the backstretch before the enchanting
     70          mountains
     71          there's still a chance for everybody
     72          except that the 6 horse snaps a front
     73          foreleg and
     74          tosses a millionaire called Pincay to the
     75          hard hard ground as
     76          some of the poor groan for him
     77          others don't care
     78          and a few are secretly delighted.
     79          the track ambulance circles counter-

     [Page 39]

     80          clockwise
     81          the race unfolds unfolds
     82          as 3 contenders straighten out for the
     83          stretch drive
     84          the favorite gives way
     85          falls back
     86          as the 2nd favorite and a 26-to-one shot
     87          drive to the wire as a single 8-legged creature,
     88          the last head bob in the photo belonging to
     89          the longshot.
     90          most of us tear up our tickets and begin our
     91          walk toward the parking lot and whatever is
     92          left over for us
     93          the hot drops of rain increase
     94          become cold
     95          all we hope for now is that our automobiles
     96          might still be there
     97          as Pincay regains consciousness in the track
     98          infirmary and asks, "what the hell
     99          happened?"

     IV

     [100]  I have a saying, "You will find the lowest of the breed at
     the
     racetrack." I am there almost every day working on my various
     systems, waiting the long 30 minutes between races. I don't
     know how many of those 30 minute waits I have given away
     over the years sitting there waiting for a race that is generally
     over in a minute and nine seconds. And at the quarter horse
     races most are finished in 17 seconds plus a tick.

     [101]     A racetrack never has a losing day. For each dollar bet
     they
     give back about 84 cents. In Mexico they give back 75 cents. At
     some of the European tracks they give back 50 cents. It doesn't
     matter, the people continue to play. Check the faces at any
     track going into the last race. You will see the story.

     [102]     When I came out of the Charity Ward of the L.A. County
     General Hospital in 1955 after drinking ten years without

     [Page 40]

     missing a night or a day (except while in jail) they told me that
     if
     I ever took another drink I would be dead. I went back to my
     shack job and I asked her, "What the hell am I going to do
     now?"

     [103]     "We'll play the horses," she said.

     [104]     "Horses?"

     [105]     "Yeah, they run and you bet on them."

     [106]     She had found some money on the boulevard. We went out.
     I
     had 3 winners, one of them paid over 50 bucks. It seemed very
     easy.

     [107]     We went a second time and I won again.

     [108]     That night I decided that if I mixed some wine with milk
     that
     it might not hurt me. I tried a glass, half wine, half milk. I
     didn't
     die. The next glass I tried a little less milk and a little more
     wine.
     By the time the night was over I was drinking straight wine. In
     the morning I got up without hemorrhaging. After that I drank
     and played the horses. 27 years later I am still doing both. Time
     is made to be wasted.

     V

     109        my women of the past keep trying to locate me.
     110        I duck into dark closets and pull the overcoats
     111        about.

     112        at the racetrack I sit in my clubhouse seat
     113        smoking cigarette after cigarette
     114        watching the horses come out for the post parade
     115        and looking over my shoulder.

     116        I go to bet---this one's ass looks like that one's
     117        ass used to.
     118        I duck away from her.

     119        that one's hair might have her under it.
     120        I get the hell out of the clubhouse and go
     121        to the grandstand to bet.

     [Page 41]

     122        I don't want a return of any of the past.
     123        I don't want a return of any of those glorious
     124        ladies of my past,
     125        I don't want to try again, I don't want to see
     126        them again even in silhouette;
     127        I gave them all, gave all of them to all the other
     128        men in the world, they can have the darlings,
     129        the tits the asses the thighs the minds
     130        and their mothers and fathers and sisters and
     131        brothers and children and dogs and x-boy friends
     132        and present boy friends, they can have them and
     133        fuck them and hang them
     134        upsidedown.

     135        I was a terrible and a jealous man who mistreated
     136        them and it's best that they are with you
     137        for you will be better to them and I will be
     138        better to myself
     139        and when they phone me or write me or leave
     140        messages
     141        I will send them all to you
     142        my fine fellows

     143        I don't deserve what you have and I want to
     144        keep it that way.

     VI

     145        got to the track early to study my figures and here's
     this
     146        man coming by
     147        dusting seats. he keeps at his work, dusting away,
     148        probably glad to have his job.
     149        I'm one of those who doesn't think there is much
     difference
     150        between an atomic scientist and a man who cleans the
     crappers
     151        except for the luck of the draw---
     152        parents with enough money to point you toward a more
     153        generous death.

     [Page 42]

     154        of course, some come through brilliantly, but
     155        there are thousands, millions of others, bottled up,
     kept
     156        from even the most minute chance to realize their
     157        potential.

     158        "how's it going?" I asked him as he dusted by.

     159        "o.k., how about you?" he asked.

     160        "I do all right on the horses. it's the women where I
     lose."

     161        he laughed. "yeah. a man can have two or three bad
     experiences,
     162        it can really set him back."

     163        "I wouldn't mind two or three," I told him. "I've had
     164        eleven or twelve."

     165        "man, you must know something. who do you like in the
     first?"

     166        I told him that the entry, which was reading 4-to-one
     should
     167        finish one-two. (45 minutes later it did.) but it
     wasn't 45
     168        minutes later. he went dusting off and I thought of all
     the
     169        rotten jobs and how glad I had been to have them. for a

     170        while. then it was always a matter of quitting or
     getting fired
     171        and both felt good.

     172        when you sleep and live with the same woman for over
     two
     173        years you know what's finally going to happen only you
     don't know
     174        why. it's not in the charts. it's in past performance
     175        but it's not in the charts.

     176        my friend, dusting off the track, he didn't know
     either.

     177        I got up and walked over for a coffee. the girl behind
     the
     178        counter was a slim brunette with a tiny blue flower in
     her hair,
     179        nice eyes, nice smile. I paid for my coffee.
     180        "good luck," she said.

     [Page 43]

     181        "you too," I said.

     182        I took my coffee back to my seat, the wind came from
     the west,
     183        I took a sip off the top and waited for the action,
     thinking of
     184        many things, too many things. it just went into the
     grass and
     185        trees and dirt out there, one mile, the dirty shades in

     186        dirty rooming houses flapping back and forth in a light
     wind,
     187        torn, the dirty troops entering the new village,
     188        and all my old girl friends unhappy again with their
     new men.

     189        I sat back and drank my coffee and waited for the first

     190        race.

     VII

     191        I am at the track
     192        and go up to bet
     193        ten win on the four
     194        horse
     195        somebody hollers,
     196        "HEY!"
     197        I look up.
     198        a teller 3 windows
     199        down is looking
     200        at me and
     201        smiling.
     202        he's a young fellow
     203        in a white shirt
     204        smiling away.
     205        I walk up to him.
     206        "how the hell you
     207        been doing?" he
     208        asks.
     209        "o.k.," I say,
     210        "how's it been
     211        with you?"

     [Page 44]

     212        "fine," he says
     213        and reaches
     214        out.
     215        we shake hands.
     216        "well," I tell
     217        him, "stay in
     218        there!"
     219        "you too!" he
     220        grins.

     221        I turn and walk
     222        off, thinking,
     223        who was that?

     224        then I see a
     225        young girl with
     226        long legs.
     227        she is wearing a
     228        beret.

     229        unusual.
     230        I follow
     231        her.

     VIII

     232        I pay my way in, find a seat far from everybody, sit
     down.
     233        I have seven or eight good quiet minutes, then I hear a

     234        movement: a young man has seated himself near me, not
     next
     235        to me but one seat away, although there are hundreds of

     236        empty seats elsewhere.
     237        another Mickey Mouse, I think. why do they always need
     238        me?
     239        I keep working at my figures.
     240        then I hear his voice: "Blue Baron will take the first
     241        race."
     242        I make a note to scratch that dog and then I look up
     and

     [Page 45]

     243        it seems that this remark is directed to me: there's
     244        nobody else within fifty yards.
     245        I see his face.
     246        he has a face women would love: utterly bland and
     247        blank.
     248        he has remained untouched by circumstance,
     249        a miracle of zero.
     250        even I gaze on him, enchanted:
     251        it's like looking at an endless lake of milk
     252        never rippled by even a pebble.

     253        I look back down at my Form.

     254        "who do you like?" he asks.

     255        "sir," I tell him, "I'd prefer not to talk."

     256        he looks at me from behind his perfectly trimmed black
     moustache,
     257        there is not one hair longer than the other or out of
     place;
     258        I've tried moustaches; I've never cared enough for
     mirrors
     259        to keep something that unnatural.

     260        he says, "my buddy told me about you. he says you don't
     talk
     261        to anybody."

     262        I get up, take my papers three rows down and sixteen
     seats
     263        over, I take out my set
     264        of red rubber earplugs, jam them in.

     265        I feel for the lonely, I sense their need, but I also
     feel
     266        that they should all
     267        comfort each other and leave me alone.

     268        so, plugs in, I miss the flag raising ceremony, being
     deep
     269        into the Form.

     270        I would like to be human
     271        if they would only let me.

     [Page 46]

     IX

     272        I had been up until 3 a.m. the night before.
     273        heavy drinking: beer, vodka, wine
     274        and there I was at the track
     275        on a Sunday.
     276        it was hot.
     277        everybody was there.
     278        the killers, the lovers, the fools.
     279        the brother of Jesus Christ.
     280        the uncle of Mickey Mouse.
     281        there were 50,000 of them.
     282        the track was giving away
     283        free caps
     284        and 45,000 of those people were
     285        wearing caps
     286        and there weren't enough seats
     287        and the crappers were crowded
     288        and during the races
     289        the people screamed so loud
     290        that you couldn't hear
     291        the announcer and
     292        the lines were so long
     293        it took you
     294        20 minutes to lay a bet and
     295        in between running to the crapper
     296        and trying to bet
     297        it was a day you
     298        would rather begin
     299        all over again
     300        someplace else
     301        but it was too late and
     302        there were elbows and assholes every-
     303        where and
     304        all the women looked dumb and ugly and
     305        all the men looked stupid and ugly
     306        and suddenly
     307        I got a vision of

     [Page 47]

     308        the whole mass of them copulating
     309        in the infield
     310        like death blasting death with
     311        stinking and stale semen.
     312        they were walking all around
     313        belching, farting
     314        bumping into each other
     315        stinking
     316        losing
     317        lost
     318        hating the dream
     319        for not working ...

     X

     320        I've been going to the track for years
     321        and tonight between the 6th and 7th races
     322        I was in the men's crapper
     323        at Los Alamitos
     324        and this man walked in with a
     325        corned beef on rye.
     326        he walked up to the urinal
     327        and holding the sandwich with one
     328        hand
     329        he unzipped with the other
     330        got it out
     331        and urinated.
     332        then
     333        having finished
     334        he shook it and zipped-up with
     335        his non-sandwich hand
     336        then stood at the urinal and took
     337        a big bite out of the sandwich
     338        turned
     339        and walked out of there without
     340        washing his hands.

     [Page 48]

     341        I keep telling people that there are
     342        more things to the racetrack than
     343        horses.

     XI

     344        I don't know where they come from ...
     345        the vet's home, probably ...
     346        they're old, balding, macho but
     347        sexless.
     348        the sex drive is no longer important,
     349        they are at the track every day
     350        arguing over their choices,
     351        laughing ...
     352        sometimes between races they'll
     353        talk about sports: which is
     354        the best baseball team, the best
     355        hockey team, the best basketball or
     356        football team, amateurs and
     357        professionals are discussed, and
     358        who's the best player at each
     359        position ...
     360        they often become angry and shout
     361        at each other.

     362        they wear old clothing, greys and
     363        browns, they wear large shoes and
     364        they each have a wristwatch ...
     365        and while other men their age
     366        fight each other
     367        in the arena of existence
     368        they sit about and argue about
     369        whether the screen pass is any longer
     370        a valid offensive weapon in professional
     371        football. (I don't think that they are
     372        really interested, there's simply
     373        nothing else to do.)

     [Page 49]

     374        they bet, first standing in front of the
     375        window, talking, making last minute
     376        adjustments, then one of them bets for
     377        all of them.
     378        the races end, of course, and each
     379        evening they leave ...
     380        a wavering line of them ...
     381        some stumbling a bit as if
     382        they were walking on their
     383        shoelaces ...

     384        they look worn and done,
     385        defeated.

     XII

     386        ten minutes before post time
     387        the horses, jocks, outriders
     388        come out
     389        for the post parade.
     390        some of the people go to
     391        watch.

     392        usually about six minutes to
     393        post
     394        the parade is over
     395        and here they come:
     396        THE TIDE.

     397        they come sweeping in
     398        toward the betting windows:
     399        little old bent women
     400        cheap hold-up men
     401        the unemployed
     402        the A.F.D.C.
     403        the crippled
     404        the mad

     [Page 50]

     405        the damned
     406        the dull
     407        the bored
     408        the dull and the bored
     409        the worn
     410        the gimpy
     411        the styleless
     412        the defeated and the driven
     413        the child molesters
     414        the pickpockets
     415        the Food Stampers
     416        the muggers
     417        the wetbacks
     418        the clerk-typists
     419        the wife-beaters
     420        the midgets
     421        the whores
     422        the unemployed air-controllers
     423        the displaced auto workers
     424        the fortune tellers
     425        the glass-blowers
     426        the night watchmen
     427        the female-libbers
     428        the dog catchers on sick leave
     429        members of the city council
     430        private dicks
     431        bank examiners
     432        bit men
     433        hit men
     434        your friends and
     435        mine.

     XIII

     [436]  I was out there again today. There are some creatures out
     there,
     shirttails hanging out, shoes run down, eyes dulled. Many are
     there day after day. How they manage to keep going is the

     [Page 51]

     mystery. They are losers. But somehow they manage to find the
     entrance fee, somehow they manage to place feeble bets. But
     today I saw the worst. I had also seen him the day before. He
     looked lower, more hopeless than any skid row bum, he had a
     scabby beard, part of the leather had pulled away from the soles
     of his shoes, showing his bare feet. He wore a greasy brown
     overcoat but he had a bit of money. I saw him placing bets. He
     didn't sit in the stands but on some steps outside where he
     played a harmonica very badly. I looked at him. He had on
     glasses but one of the lenses had fallen out and the one that
     remained was nearly black. As I walked slowly by he started
     talking to me. He spoke rapidly, "Hey, ge out ree hoo nar bah!"
     The sentences that followed were of a similar order. I couldn't
     imagine this man placing a bet or driving an automobile. But he
     had a right. Who said he couldn't? And who said he had to look a
     certain way? Or talk a certain way? Society dictated modes and
     ways. He was outside all that. I remembered starving in New
     York City, trying to be a writer. One night I had gone and
     bought a bag of popcorn, it was my first food in several days.
     The popcorn was hot and greasy and salty, each kernel a
     miracle. I walked along in a beautiful trance, feeling the kernels

     in my mouth, feeling them enter my body. My trance was not
     entire. Two large men walked toward me. They were talking to
     each other. One of them looked up just as they passed me and
     he said loudly to his buddy, "Jesus Christ, did you see that?" I
     was
     the freak, the idiot, the one who didn't fit. I walked along, the
     kernels not tasting quite so good.

     [437]     As I passed the man at the racetrack sitting on the
     steps I
     knew that any of us could get lost forever in the crowd, some of
     us even wanted to. I walked and found a seat. The horses broke
     from the gate. It was 6 furlongs. I had the one horse in a maiden
     race. Orange silks. The one hole is usually bad at 6 furlongs but
     I had a reason for the bet. My horse broke poorly, rushed, fell
     back, I lost sight of him, then as they took the curve for home I
     saw orange silks again, he was coming from the outside. He
     seemed to hesitate in mid-stretch, then he came on again to win
     drawing away. They put up the price. $14.60. I had it ten win.
     $73. I got up to cash my ticket. When I did I no longer saw the

     [Page 52]

     man sitting on the steps. I didn't see him the rest of the day.
     I'll
     be looking for him tomorrow. There's a good card going. Three
     maiden races. I love those maiden races.

     XIV

     438        driving in for a wash and
     439        wax with nothing to do but light a cigarette and
     440        stand in the sun ... no rent, no trouble ...
     441        hiding from the whores ...

     442        ... here it comes, glistening black, you tip the man
     443        50 cents, get in, yank up the aerial, adjust side
     mirror,
     444        start it, turn the radio classical, steer it out
     445        into the streets ...

     446        open sun roof, take the slow lane, hangover lessening,
     447        now sleepy in the sun ... you're there ...

     448        the parking lot attendants know you: "hey, Champ,
     449        how's it going?"

     450        inside, you open the Form, decide to have a day
     451        with the runners ... already you've spotted two low-
     452        price sucker bets in the first race that will not
     453        win---that's all you need, an edge ...

     454        "Hank ..."

     455        it's somebody behind you, you turn, it's your old
     456        factory buddy, Spencer Bishop.

     457        "hey, Spence ..."

     458        "hey, man, I hear you been fooling the people, I
     459        hear you been going around to the universities and
     460        giving lectures ..."

     [Page 53]

     461        "that's right, my man ..."

     462        "what are you going to do when they find you out?"

     463        "I'll go back to the factory ..."

     464        you go to your seat and watch them come out for the
     465        post parade.
     466        you could be painting, or in the botanical gardens ...
     467        the 6 looks good in the Form and in the flesh ...
     468        7/2 is not the world but it's over a third.

     469        you get up and move toward the windows.
     470        the screenplay is finished, you're into the 4th
     471        novel, the poems keep arriving ... not much with
     472        the short story but that's waiting, fixing itself
     473        up, that whore is getting ready.

     474        "ten-win-six," you say to the teller.

     475        it's the beginning of a most pleasant afternoon.

     476        my next lecture will be
     477        The Positive Influences
     478        of Gambling
     479        as a Means of
     480        Defining Reality as
     481        Something that
     482        Can Be Touched Like
     483        a Book of Matches or
     484        a Soup Spoon.

     485        yes, you think, going back to sit down,
     486        it's true.

     [Page 54]

     XV

     487        some fat son-of-a-bitch with
     488        a large pink pig's head
     489        on his body
     490        came rushing up to me
     491        (why?)
     492        anyhow
     493        I pretended to be looking away
     494        and as he closed in
     495        I dug my elbow into his gut.
     496        I felt it sink in like it was
     497        entering a sack of dirty
     498        laundry.

     499        "mother," he gasped,
     500        "help ..."

     501        "you all right, buddy?" I
     502        asked.

     503        he looked as if
     504        he was going to puke.
     505        his mouth opened.
     506        he cupped his hands and
     507        a pair of
     508        yellow and green false teeth
     509        with faded pink insides
     510        fell into his palms.

     511        I walked on through the crowd
     512        and found a betting line.
     513        I decided to bet the last 5 races
     514        and leave.
     515        the only way I would stay
     516        would be for $200 an hour
     517        tax free.

     [Page 55]

     XVI

     518        I have my figures ready for the
     519        6th race
     520        then I look up
     521        and see, well,
     522        there in the stands ahead of
     523        me
     524        a fellow sits upright.
     525        his face is smooth and
     526        bland.
     527        the physiognomy is set at
     528        absolute zero.

     529        he has a yellow pencil.
     530        he flips it over
     531        once
     532        into the air and
     533        catches it with
     534        one hand.

     535        he does it
     536        again

     537        and again

     538        with the same
     539        timing.

     540        what is he
     541        doing?

     542        he just sits there
     543        and continues to
     544        repeat the
     545        maneuver.

     546        I begin to

     [Page 56]

     547        count:

     548        one two three
     549        four five six ...

     550        23, 24, 25, 26,
     551        27 ...

     552        his movements are
     553        dull and graceless,
     554        he reminds me of a
     555        factory machine.

     556        this man is my enemy.

     557        45, 46, 47, 48 ...

     558        his face has the
     559        taut dead skin
     560        of a mounted
     561        ape

     562        and I am sitting
     563        with my two-day
     564        two-night
     565        hangover
     566        watching ...

     567        53, 54, 55 ...

     568        this will be my
     569        life in hell: watching
     570        men like that
     571        sitting forever
     572        tossing and
     573        catching pencils
     574        with one
     575        hand

     [Page 57]

     576        in that same
     577        non-innovational
     578        rhythm ...

     579        I am in vertigo.
     580        I feel a pressing
     581        at the temples
     582        as if I was going
     583        mad.

     584        I can't watch
     585        any longer.

     586        I get up and walk
     587        away from the
     588        seating section
     589        as I think,

     590        it will never
     591        let go
     592        with the women
     593        you live with
     594        or wherever you
     595        go, supermarkets,
     596        bazaars, hang-glider
     597        meets, it will
     598        find you, maul you,
     599        piss over you, let
     600        you know
     601        about it
     602        again.
     603        and there will be
     604        nobody
     605        you can talk to
     606        about it.

     [Page 58]

     XVII

     607        I lost a dollar at the track today and I know that's
     608        stupid: it's better to win a hundred or lose a
     hundred---
     609        there is at least the jostle of emotions
     610        but I was 29 bucks ahead going into the last race so I
     611        laid 30 win on this 8-to-one shot going into the last,
     he
     612        came in second, it was back luck
     613        that's all. so
     614        I lost a dollar.

     615        but sometimes we've got to settle for not very much;
     616        we need our rest; great tragedy or great victory will
     617        arrive soon enough.

     618        so I sit here tonight sipping on my wine and listening
     to
     619        a Vaughan Williams symphony on the radio
     620        and you too are probably waiting for better or worse.
     621        waiting is the greater portion of being around.

     622        I waited on that 8-to-one shot in the last race and
     623        he came on in the stretch rapidly closing the space
     624        between himself and the horse nearing the wire, he came

     625        with a beautiful rush, pounding and driving, to fall a
     626        head short.

     627        such is the life of a gambler: to go away then and wait

     628        to return.

     629        not all of us are gamblers; those who aren't don't
     630        matter.

     XVIII

     631        the two old guys behind me were talking.
     632        "look at that 7 horse. he's 35-to-one.
     633        how can he be 35-to-one?"

     [Page 59]

     634        "yeah, he looks good to me too," says
     635        the other old guy.

     636        "let's bet him."

     637        "o.k., we'll both bet him."

     638        they get up to make their bets.

     639        I've already bet. I've got 40 win
     640        on the 2nd favorite.
     641        I win four days out of five at a
     642        racetrack. It doesn't seem to be
     643        any problem.

     644        I open my newspaper, read the financial
     645        section, get depressed, turn to the front
     646        pages looking for robbery, rape, murder.

     647        the two old men are back.
     648        "look, the 7 horse is 40-to-one now,"
     649        says one of them.

     650        "I can't believe it," says the
     651        other.

     652        the horses are loaded into the gate, the
     653        flag goes up, the bell rings, they break
     654        out.

     655        it's a mile-and-one-sixteenth race, they
     656        take the first turn, go down the backstretch,
     657        circle the last turn, come down the stretch, get
     658        past the finish line.

     659        the 2nd favorite wins by a neck, pays
     660        $7.80. I make $116.00 on that race.

     [Page 60]

     661        there is silence behind me.
     662        then one of the old men says, "the 7 horse
     663        didn't run at all."

     664        "nope," says the other, "I don't understand
     665        it."

     666        "maybe the jock didn't try," says
     667        his friend.

     668        "that must have been it," says
     669        the other.

     670        like most other men in the world
     671        they believe that their failure
     672        is caused by any and many factors
     673        besides themselves.

     674        I watch the two old guys
     675        gather over their Racing Form
     676        to make their selection in the
     677        next race.

     678        "gee, look at this!" says one of the
     679        old guys, "they got Red Rabbit ten-to-
     680        one on the morning line. he looks better
     681        than the favorite."

     682        "let's bet him," says the other old
     683        guy.

     684        they leave their seats and move toward the
     685        betting windows.

     [Page 61]

     XIX

     686        I am sitting in the stands with a
     687        two-night, two-day hangover;
     688        the second night was the worst:
     689        white wine, red wine and
     690        tequila.

     691        I am out here because I have
     692        evolved an astonishing
     693        new theory on
     694        how to beat the races.

     695        the money is secondary:
     696        it only operates as a guideline
     697        to see if I am on
     698        the given path.

     699        I picked up $302
     700        the day before
     701        and I am $265 ahead
     702        going into the sixth.

     703        I can barely function
     704        but the new theory
     705        (Formula K) enacts itself:
     706        M plus S plus C plus O
     707        (brought down to
     708        the relative power of
     709        ? each):
     710        and the horse with the
     711        lowest total is
     712        the winner.

     713        it is like knowing
     714        one of the secrets
     715        of life itself.
     716        when your figures tell you

     [Page 62]

     717        that a 2nd, 3rd or 4th
     718        favorite
     719        can beat the favorite
     720        and when your figures
     721        select only one horse,
     722        it is a very curious and
     723        magic feeling, of course,
     724        and you learn to apply
     725        the same simplicity to
     726        other areas of existence,
     727        but to the spiritual
     728        rather than the mathematical
     729        areas.

     XX

     730        20 minutes later
     731        I had made my bets
     732        and I walked out to the parking lot
     733        and to my car.
     734        I got in
     735        opened the windows and
     736        took off my shoes.

     737        then I noticed
     738        that I was blocked in.
     739        some guy had parked behind me
     740        in the exit space.

     741        I started my engine
     742        put it in reverse and
     743        jammed my bumper against him.
     744        he had his hand brake on
     745        but luckily he was in neutral and
     746        I slowly ground him back against
     747        another car.
     748        now the other car wouldn't be able

     [Page 63]

     749        to get out.

     750        what made a son-of-a-bitch
     751        that way?
     752        didn't they have any
     753        consideration?

     754        I put my shoes on
     755        got out
     756        and let the air out of his
     757        left front tire.

     758        no good.
     759        he probably had a spare.
     760        so I let the air out of his
     761        left rear tire
     762        got back into my car and
     763        maneuvered it out of there
     764        with some difficulty.

     765        it felt good to
     766        drive out of that racetrack.
     767        it sure as hell felt better than
     768        my first piece of ass and
     769        many of the other pieces
     770        which followed.

     [Page 64]

     60 yard pass

     1            most people don't do very well and I get discouraged
     with
     2            their existence, it's such a waste: all those
     3            bodies, all those lives
     4            malfunctioning: lousy quarterbacks, bad waitresses,
     in-
     5            competent carwash boys and presidents, cowardly
     6            goal-keepers
     7            inept
     8            garage mechanics
     9            bumbling tax accountants and
     10          so forth.

     11          yet

     12          now and then

     13          I see a single performer doing something with a
     14          natural excellence

     15          it

     16          can be
     17          a waitress in some cheap cafe or a 3rd string
     18          quarterback
     19          coming off the bench with 24 seconds on the clock
     20          and completing that winning
     21          60 yard pass.

     22          which lets me believe that
     23          the possibility of the miracle is here with us
     24          almost every day

     25          and I'm glad that now and then
     26          some 3rd string quarterback
     27          shows me the truth of that belief
     28          whether it be in science, art, philosophy,
     29          medicine, politics and/ or etc.

     [Page 65]

     30          else I'd shoot all the lights out of
     31          this fucking city
     32          right now.

     [Page 66]

     a beginning

     1            when women stop carrying
     2            mirrors with them
     3            everyplace they go
     4            maybe then
     5            they can talk to me
     6            about
     7            liberation.

     [Page 67]

     jack-knife

     1            as you see the large
     2            truck and trailer
     3            jack-knifed over
     4            the edge of the freeway
     5            in the evening rain
     6            you notice the red letters
     7            on the side: LUCKY

     8            as your wipers throb and
     9            scrape
     10          you think, I should have
     11          stayed home and worked on
     12          the little drawings for
     13          the next novel

     14          then you feel shame for
     15          such conservatism
     16          hit the throttle and
     17          begin weaving through and
     18          past the other drivers

     19          turning the radio up
     20          to some sexpot singing
     21          about how much she'd
     22          like your love

     23          you glide along
     24          to the end of the
     25          freeway

     26          red light

     27          sitting in the rain
     28          with the others

     29          many of the people probably
     30          listening to the same
     31          sexpot singing how

     [Page 68]

     32          much she'd like
     33          their love

     34          you think about that
     35          poor guy in the LUCKY
     36          truck
     37          wonder if he'll lose
     38          his job

     39          as the signal changes
     40          and we move onto
     41          the boulevard.

     [Page 69]

     a sad poem

     1            I live in a middle class neighborhood of an
     unfashionable
     2            city
     3            but even here there have been murders a half a block
     4            away
     5            and I would like to write five novels before I leave.

     6            my security system man is a weightlifter and he
     7            walked about the house
     8            checking it out and he noticed the bookcase:
     9            "geez, ya got a lot of books!"
     10          "I write."
     11          "you're a writer?"
     12          "yeah ..."
     13          "can I have one of your books?"
     14          I pulled one down and autographed it for him.

     15          he finished the housecheck and recommended various
     16          measures.
     17          I agreed, wrote him a check for the total amount.

     18          the next day he phoned: "listen, I was up all night
     19          reading that book. you've been there: all those
     20          women, the booze ... you remind me of myself ..."

     21          "thanks."

     22          "what I like about your writing, it's easy to
     23          understand. I'm going to show your book to all
     24          the boys down at the office."

     25          "o.k."

     26          "listen, I saw those weights in your bedroom. do
     27          you lift those weights?"

     28          "no, they're mostly a decoration."

     29          "you ought to work out ..."

     [Page 70]

     30          "I know ..."

     31          after he hung up I went in and took a pull at the
     32          weights (only 65 pounds), did ten overhead, ten gut
     33          pulls, ten arm lifts.

     34          that was two months ago, I haven't lifted them
     35          since but
     36          we haven't been robbed either.
     37          just more books stolen from the bookcase (many
     38          originals I'll never be able to replace) by
     39          friends who come by to drink my wine and talk and
     40          laugh with me.
     41          no security system will detect that type
     42          except my own
     43          which has always known and which keeps failing
     44          for their sake
     45          which is no way to conduct any type of business,
     46          even this one.

     [Page 71]

     playing it out

     1            there are only two men I can really
     2            relate to in this world and
     3            one is on his deathbed
     4            and the other, well, his wife
     5            just ran away from him.

     6            and I sit here typing
     7            these things
     8            drunk
     9            as everybody else in the
     10          neighborhood is
     11          asleep except for
     12          two dogs
     13          barking
     14          at the sound of these
     15          keys.

     16          it's strange, I think,
     17          that the best I know are
     18          in trouble
     19          while the worst are
     20          healthy, calm and
     21          prosperous;
     22          they are also exception-
     23          ally dull
     24          and consider themselves
     25          my friends.

     26          I keep typing these
     27          drunk poems
     28          sitting in this chair
     29          smoking too many
     30          cigarettes
     31          and not understanding
     32          anything
     33          and finally
     34          not wanting to.

     [Page 72]

     35          just drinking and
     36          cracking these keys to
     37          make the dogs
     38          bark
     39          night into morning.

     [Page 73]

     on and off the road

     1            flying into a strange town, being met at the
     2            airport by a student, then demanding to know
     3            where is the nearest bar

     4            getting the drinks down while waiting for the
     5            luggage
     6            then

     7            being driven to the hotel, first demanding to
     8            be let off at the nearest liquor store

     9            later in the hotel room, switching on the tv,
     10          getting into bed with the bottle, thinking, I
     11          don't have to read until tomorrow night
     12          then

     13          drinking that night away ...

                                 [Image]

     14          on stage with another bottle, insulting them
     15          between poems, they look as if they need the
     16          artistry of the insult,
     17          anyhow

     18          you're going to get your check whether you're
     19          good or bad
     20          and there's always the chance you might end up
     21          in bed with a coed ...

                                 [Image]

     22          flying out of town, back to L.A., your woman
     23          meeting you at the airport, driving you in---
     24          you're a traveling salesman: you sell
     25          poems.

     26          back at the place you try to sober up

     [Page 74]

     27          get in an argument with your woman
     28          about whether you got laid or not (you
     29          never ask her)

     30          she claims you got laid. she's sometimes
     31          wrong.

     32          you will be glad to be at the racetrack
     33          the next day
     34          just being a horseplayer, standing with the
     35          other horseplayers watching them run: that's
     36          the good part: not being a poet, not having to
     37          get under the sheets with a coed and doing it
     38          like you're immortal,
     39          meanwhile

     40          your woman screaming, "the next reading
     41          I'm going with you! look at you! they've sucked
     42          you dry!"

     43          "gimme another beer, baby ..."

     44          she just doesn't understand: it's the only job you
     45          have

     46          it's the only thing you can do.

     [Page 75]

     too late

     1            I was a slow developer.
     2            I got good too late:
     3            high school was over,
     4            it was summer
     5            with no job
     6            and my father looking
     7            at me over the plates
     8            at mealtime.

     9            during the day I'd
     10          hang around the lots:
     11          "hey, anybody want to
     12          play football? baseball?"

     13          now and then I'd get
     14          a few guys and then
     15          I'd look good:
     16          I could powder the ball
     17          better than anybody,
     18          I could make impossible
     19          graceful catches over my
     20          shoulder.

     21          at football
     22          I was the best broken-
     23          field runner in the
     24          neighborhood---
     25          I laughed at them
     26          while
     27          dodging past
     28          while the young girls
     29          and neighborhood people
     30          applauded my
     31          mastery.

     32          but the guys didn't
     33          want to play
     34          anymore: "listen, Hank,

     [Page 76]

     35          we've got things to
     36          do.
     37          why didn't you
     38          go out for the teams
     39          while you were still
     40          in school?"

     41          then they'd leave
     42          and the people would
     43          leave and I would be
     44          standing in the vacant
     45          lot
     46          alone.

     47          then I'd go
     48          back to the house
     49          and
     50          back to my father
     51          watching me over his
     52          dinner plate:

     53          "well, son, what did you
     54          do today? did you find
     55          a job?"

     56          he should have seen me
     57          with all the young girls
     58          screaming.

     59          he just didn't know
     60          who he was
     61          sitting at the table
     62          with.

     [Page 77]

     on being 20

     1            my mother knocked on my roominghouse door
     2            and came in
     3            looked in the dresser drawer:
     4            "Henry you don't have any clean
     5            stockings?
     6            do you change your underwear?"

     7            "Mom, I don't want you poking around in here ..."

     8            "I hear that there is a woman
     9            who comes to your room late at
     10          night and she drinks with you, she lives
     11          right down the hall."

     12          "she's all right ..."

     13          "Henry, you can get a terrible
     14          disease."

     15          "yeah ..."

     16          "I talked with your landlady, she's a
     17          nice lady, she says you must read a lot
     18          of books in bed because as you fall to sleep at
     19          night the books fall to the floor,
     20          they can hear it all over the
     21          house, heavy books, one at midnight,
     22          another at one a.m., another at 2 a.m.,
     23          another at four."

     24          after she left I took the library books
     25          back
     26          returned to the roominghouse and
     27          put the dirty stockings and the dirty
     28          underwear and the dirty shirts into
     29          the paper suitcase
     30          took the streetcar downtown

     [Page 78]

     31          boarded the Trailways bus to
     32          New Orleans
     33          figuring to arrive with ten dollars
     34          and let them do with me
     35          what they would.

     36          they did.

     [Page 79]

     the troops

     1            World War II
     2            I was 21
     3            riding a bus to
     4            New Orleans

     5            there were many
     6            army men
     7            on that
     8            bus

     9            there were only
     10          2
     11          young men
     12          not in
     13          uniform

     14          a red-haired
     15          fellow and
     16          me.

     17          the red-haired
     18          fellow
     19          kept explaining
     20          his
     21          position to the
     22          army
     23          boys:

     24          "Jesus, you've
     25          got to
     26          believe me, I
     27          want to be with
     28          you guys
     29          but I can't
     30          go, I've got a
     31          bad
     32          heart!"

     [Page 80]

     33          "that's all
     34          right," they
     35          told him.

     36          I didn't need
     37          a
     38          confessional,
     39          I needed a
     40          savior.
     41          I pulled out
     42          my pint,
     43          had a
     44          nip, looked
     45          out the
     46          window ...

     47          it was
     48          getting into
     49          evening
     50          when the bus
     51          was
     52          stopped
     53          at the edge
     54          of the
     55          desert
     56          by some more
     57          soldiers

     58          some soldiers
     59          stood outside
     60          as 2 entered
     61          the bus

     62          they heavily
     63          trudged
     64          along
     65          nerve-endings
     66          of order and

     [Page 81]

     67          disorder

     68          they asked
     69          each passenger:

     70          "where were
     71          you
     72          born?"

     73          it appeared
     74          that 9-tenths of
     75          the bus
     76          were born in
     77          the
     78          midwest

     79          and when
     80          my turn
     81          came
     82          I said,
     83          "Pasadena,
     84          California."

     85          "where ya
     86          going?"

     87          "funeral, my
     88          brother
     89          died."

     90          they moved
     91          further
     92          down in
     93          the bus

     94          and
     95          came upon
     96          an old

     [Page 82]

     97          man---

     98          "where were
     99          you
     100        born?"

     101        "I don't
     102        think," the
     103        old man
     104        answered,
     105        " that's any
     106        of your
     107        business."

     108        "Sir, I
     109        asked you,
     110        'where were
     111        you born?'"

     112        "this is a
     113        democracy, I
     114        don't have
     115        to answer
     116        that
     117        question."

     118        "you son
     119        of a bitch!"

     120        the soldier
     121        grabbed the
     122        old man
     123        by the
     124        back of
     125        his
     126        coat

     127        lifted him
     128        from his

     [Page 83]

     129        seat

     130        and
     131        they dragged
     132        the
     133        old man
     134        down the
     135        aisle
     136        and out
     137        the
     138        front door
     139        of the
     140        bus.

     141        the bus
     142        stood
     143        there
     144        and we all
     145        looked out
     146        the window
     147        as a group of
     148        soldiers
     149        surrounded
     150        him

     151        we heard:
     152        "we're takin'
     153        you in!"

     154        "but I've
     155        got my
     156        baggage on
     157        the
     158        bus!"

     159        "fuck
     160        your
     161        baggage!"

     [Page 84]

     162        then a
     163        soldier
     164        motioned
     165        to the bus
     166        driver

     167        the
     168        bus door
     169        closed
     170        and the bus
     171        drove
     172        off.

     173        evening
     174        quickly became
     175        night
     176        everybody was
     177        silent for a
     178        while

     179        then the red-
     180        haired
     181        fellow
     182        started it
     183        up
     184        again:

     185        "listen, I
     186        really want
     187        to go
     188        to this
     189        war, I'd
     190        just give
     191        anything if
     192        I didn't have
     193        this
     194        bad
     195        heart."

     [Page 85]

     196        the bus
     197        just kept on
     198        going.

     [Page 86]

     hog

     1            he couldn't get the puck into the net.
     2            he was too slow.
     3            all he was was a hog.
     4            when somebody
     5            on the other team
     6            started busting ass and
     7            ribcage
     8            we'd send him in with instructions to
     9            hammer the fucker out.
     10          the hog would skate in
     11          grinning through his yellow teeth
     12          useful at last.
     13          he was just like death
     14          zeroing in on target:
     15          five minutes later
     16          there would be a man down:
     17          rammed, sticked, sliced
     18          out for the game
     19          maybe the season
     20          and the hog would be sitting in
     21          the penalty box, grinning, his
     22          job done.

     23          nobody liked him.
     24          even in the locker room afterwards
     25          we didn't talk much to him.
     26          he knew.
     27          I mean, we spoke to him.
     28          sometimes even one of the guys
     29          would joke with him about
     30          his night's work
     31          but nobody laughed very
     32          much.

     33          afterwards his wife would be
     34          waiting outside in an old green
     35          station wagon,
     36          a ridiculous battered

     [Page 87]

     37          machine
     38          and he'd climb in and they'd drive
     39          off
     40          with her at the wheel, a
     41          very tall woman, with a big head,
     42          the car going off as always with
     43          only the right taillight working.

     44          he knew his job.

     [Page 88]

     the walls

     1            after you've hit the bars a while
     2            drinking
     3            going back to your room with a
     4            fat mama
     5            doing it
     6            sleeping
     7            to awaken in the morning
     8            to find your wallet gone
     9            again

     10          no job
     11          no food
     12          no rent

     13          just a hangover and
     14          the dark peeling walls.

     15          after you've hit the bars a while
     16          you carry your wallet in a front
     17          pocket
     18          you carry a blade
     19          you carry most of your bills
     20          in your shoe

     21          you go to the crapper to make a
     22          withdrawal.

     23          it gets so ingrained that
     24          even when you go to your room
     25          alone
     26          you automatically hide
     27          your wallet and your money
     28          and upon awakening
     29          you spend hours
     30          searching ...

     31          it gets so ingrained
     32          that often when you're drinking with

     [Page 89]

     33          a woman you trust
     34          one who is living with you
     35          you often awaken to tell
     36          her: "shit! I can't find my
     37          wallet!"

     38          "now you know it's here," she
     39          says, "you've just hidden it
     40          somewhere."

     41          and after some hours
     42          you find it.

     43          in the old days there were some
     44          strange times:
     45          once going into a library to
     46          return some books
     47          you stopped the librarian just as
     48          she was taking the books away:
     49          "just a moment, please ..."
     50          (you saw an edge of green)
     51          and you opened the book and
     52          pulled out 3 twenties and
     53          a ten.

     54          another time
     55          in a Texas roominghouse
     56          after a night of ferocious drinking
     57          the next morning
     58          you found your wallet
     59          but not the money.

     60          the rent was due
     61          and you told the landlady you had
     62          lost your money somewhere ...

     63          coming in after a sad walk
     64          in the streets

     [Page 90]

     65          the landlady met you

     66          she had a handful of green
     67          and said,
     68          "Mr. Chinaski, I was vacuuming
     69          your room and the vacuum kept hitting
     70          a bump in the rug and I pulled
     71          the rug back
     72          and there it was ..."

     73          an honest lovely lady.

     74          luckily, after that, I met more
     75          honest, lovely ladies
     76          some who even put money in
     77          my wallet
     78          so I'm not a misogynist
     79          being only two or three hundred
     80          dollars out,
     81          but I have special reservations
     82          about those fat mamas of the streets
     83          because I think the unkindest
     84          crime of all is when
     85          the poor rob the poor
     86          after talking and drinking and
     87          laughing and making love
     88          one leaving the other
     89          broke and hungover
     90          to awaken like that
     91          in some strange city
     92          alone
     93          within dark and
     94          peeling walls.

     [Page 91]

     writing is a state of trance

     1            she walks in while
     2            I'm typing.

     3            "listen," she says, "I ..."

     4            as I scream and leap out of
     5            my chair.

     6            "sorry," she says, "I wanted to
     7            ask you about something ..."

     8            "yes, what is it?"

     9            she leaves and I rip the paper
     10          from the typer and throw it
     11          into the trash.
     12          there's no way of
     13          getting it back.

     14          then I forget about her
     15          start again
     16          am three or four pages
     17          into it when she
     18          walks in,

     19          "listen, I ..."

     20          "HOLY SHIT" I leap out of
     21          my chair.

     22          I answer her question and
     23          she leaves.

     24          I sit staring at the page
     25          trying to pick up the flow. it's
     26          gone.
     27          I rip it from the machine,
     28          trash it.

     [Page 92]

     29          I sit looking at a
     30          cigar box.
     31          White Owl, it says.
     32          over in a corner
     33          I see a dirty bottle.
     34          HYDROGEN PEROXIDE,
     35          it says.

     36          there's nothing like
     37          bitching about
     38          bad luck: I do it
     39          very well.

     [Page 93]

     Dagwood and Blondie

     1            I swept underneath and got him
     2            from the rear---
     3            a burst of tracers and
     4            his gas tank exploded.
     5            I saw him trying to
     6            climb out of his
     7            cockpit
     8            but he couldn't
     9            eject himself---
     10          the ball of trailing flame
     11          twisted away
     12          to the right
     13          down and
     14          down
     15          to splash into the
     16          ocean.

     17          I circled over:
     18          nothing left.

     19          when you get into
     20          something like that
     21          somebody has
     22          to win.

     23          I put her back on course
     24          to the base.

     25          well, he had gotten
     26          the one thing done
     27          that everybody
     28          has to do.

     29          I still had
     30          it
     31          to do.

     32          I liked certain

     [Page 94]

     33          delays,
     34          though.

     35          meanwhile, it was a
     36          startling
     37          beautiful day.

     [Page 95]

     Ginsberg?

     1            I am sitting in the clubhouse
     2            grandstand
     3            $311 ahead going into the
     4            7th
     5            when this very young man
     6            walks up
     7            stands there
     8            as I am going over the
     9            Form.

     10          "pardon me," he says.

     11          "yes?"

     12          "listen," he says, "I think
     13          I know you ..."

     14          "no," I say, "you don't."

     15          "don't you know Allen
     16          Ginsberg?"

     17          "I don't know any
     18          Ginsberg ..."

     19          "didn't you give a
     20          reading at a
     21          nightclub called the
     22          Sweetwater?"

     23          "I don't know what a
     24          reading is ..."

     25          "listen," he says, "I
     26          know you!"

     27          I stand up and face
     28          him.

     [Page 96]

     29          "listen, buddy, I'm a
     30          gardener for some
     31          rich people.
     32          that's how I
     33          make it."

     34          I turn and walk off
     35          down through the rows
     36          of seats
     37          feeling good
     38          just like a gardener
     39          should
     40          out on a gambling night
     41          after a row with
     42          his woman.

     [Page 97]

     she said:

     1            what are you doing with all those paper
     2            napkins in your car?
     3            we don't have napkins like
     4            that
     5            how come your car radio is
     6            always tuned to some
     7            rock and roll
     8            station?
     9            do you drive around with
     10          some
     11          young thing?

     12          you're
     13          dripping tangerine
     14          juice
     15          on the floor.
     16          whenever you go into
     17          the kitchen
     18          this towel gets
     19          wet and dirty.
     20          why is
     21          that?

     22          when you let my
     23          bathwater run
     24          you never
     25          clean the
     26          tub first.

     27          why don't you
     28          put your toothbrush
     29          back
     30          in the rack?

     31          you should always
     32          dry your
     33          razor.

     [Page 98]

     34          sometimes I think
     35          you hate
     36          my cat.

     37          Martha says
     38          you were
     39          downstairs
     40          sitting with her
     41          and you
     42          had your
     43          pants off.

     44          you shouldn't wear
     45          those
     46          $100 shoes in
     47          the garden

     48          and you don't keep
     49          track
     50          of what you
     51          plant out there

     52          that's
     53          dumb

     54          you must always
     55          set the cat's bowl back
     56          in
     57          the same place.

     58          don't
     59          bake fish
     60          in a frying
     61          pan ...

     62          I never saw
     63          anybody
     64          harder on the

     [Page 99]

     65          brakes of their
     66          car
     67          than you.

     68          let's go
     69          to a
     70          movie.

     71          listen what's
     72          wrong with you?
     73          you act
     74          depressed.

     [Page 100]

     oh, yes

     1            there are worse things than
     2            being alone
     3            but it often takes decades
     4            to realize this
     5            and most often
     6            when you do
     7            it's too late
     8            and there's nothing worse
     9            than
     10          too late.

     [Page 101]

     the sword

     1            watching a tv show
     2            late at night
     3            there's this
     4            Chinese
     5            he's very good
     6            with the sword
     7            he chops off
     8            heads
     9            or
     10          rams it straight
     11          on through or
     12          slices
     13          throats

     14          blood spurts
     15          heads roll like
     16          egg rolls

     17          the movie was
     18          made in
     19          the Orient

     20          therefore
     21          believable

     22          I smoke and
     23          drink
     24          in the dark

     25          thinking

     26          my head is
     27          still
     28          on

     29          as
     30          this man

     [Page 102]

     31          kills 6 or
     32          7 men in 3
     33          minutes

     34          as I sit
     35          and watch

     36          not even
     37          in sorrow for
     38          the murdered

     39          for
     40          what is
     41          important

     42          is that a man
     43          do his
     44          work
     45          well

     46          of course
     47          what is
     48          not important
     49          is necessary
     50          too

     51          often
     52          they are
     53          the same thing:
     54          the important and
     55          the non-
     56          important

     57          my head is
     58          still
     59          on

     60          I pour a

     [Page 103]

     61          drink
     62          into
     63          it

     64          and

     65          continue
     66          to watch
     67          the movie:

     68          each man
     69          alone
     70          forever.

     [Page 104]

     practice

     1            thinking more and more
     2            about death
     3            Christ, it's getting worse
     4            than the horses
     5            but
     6            something
     7            to muse about.

     8            I remember Henry Miller on
     9            the Tom Snyder Show
     10          and Tom asked Henry (who was
     11          very very old then):
     12          "Mr. Miller, do you ever
     13          think of death?"

     14          and he answered simply, "of course,
     15          I do."

     16          I remember reading
     17          an excellent poem about death
     18          by D.H. Lawrence:
     19          "build then
     20          the ship of Death
     21          for you must take
     22          the longest
     23          journey
     24          to
     25          oblivion."

     26          the Christians make a similar
     27          claim.
     28          the other day on the freeway
     29          I was following a car and
     30          the bumper sticker said:
     31          DON'T DIE WITHOUT
     32          JESUS.

     33          then you get

     [Page 105]

     34          macho guys
     35          in factories and
     36          in the bars
     37          who say:
     38          "the only way to die is
     39          while
     40          you're fucking."

     41          well, I've done that too

     42          any number
     43          of times.

     [Page 106]

     promenade

     1            I am taking a walk about 2:30 p.m.
     2            pass a group of kids standing around
     3            looking at the engine of a car.
     4            the hood is up and one of them appears
     5            to be working on the motor.

     6            I walk by
     7            am thirty or forty feet away from them
     8            when one of the kids yells:
     9            "hey, old man!"

     10          I stop and turn, wait.
     11          they don't say anything, look down
     12          at the engine.

     13          I wait a moment longer, then turn
     14          and walk along.

     15          I hear one of them laugh, "I don't think
     16          he liked that!"

     17          I don't mind at all: at the age of 62
     18          I can still kick their ass
     19          or
     20          drink any of them under the
     21          table.

     22          close to the grave be damned, there's
     23          not one of them
     24          I'd prefer to be.

     25          it's a good afternoon.

     26          I hope they fix their
     27          engine.

     [Page 107]

     night on a Visa card

     1            I finished my wine
     2            poured another
     3            took a hit of that
     4            lit a cigarette.

     5            the motel room was
     6            paid for until eleven
     7            a.m.
     8            nice tiny little white
     9            towels
     10          in the bathroom and
     11          the paper-wrapped
     12          soap bars
     13          the celluloid glasses
     14          and the
     15          paper-wrapping over
     16          the toilet seat.

     17          I switched on the
     18          tv
     19          an old black and
     20          white

     21          I left the sound
     22          off and
     23          watched the
     24          faces.
     25          one man and
     26          one woman.
     27          there seemed to
     28          be trouble.
     29          they looked
     30          unhappy although
     31          to most people
     32          their faces would
     33          seem beautiful.

     34          I kept watching

     [Page 108]

     35          them while I smoked
     36          and drank more
     37          wine.

     38          then I shut the
     39          tv off
     40          got out of my
     41          shorts
     42          walked over to
     43          the bed
     44          pulled the cover
     45          and sheet
     46          back
     47          crawled in.

     48          outside on Sunset Boulevard
     49          I could see all the
     50          neon through the
     51          blinds.

     52          I got up
     53          cut the blinds
     54          got back in.
     55          it was good and
     56          dark.
     57          perfect.

     58          there was a tap
     59          on the door.
     60          I opened it with
     61          the chain
     62          on and
     63          looked out.

     64          she was back.
     65          I let her
     66          in.

     [Page 109]

     67          "it was awful,"
     68          she said
     69          getting un-
     70          dressed.
     71          "some son of a
     72          bitch tried to
     73          rape me and take
     74          my purse in the
     75          parking lot!
     76          I kicked him in
     77          the balls!
     78          compared to him
     79          you look
     80          good!"

     81          "thank you,
     82          Sherrie, I feel
     83          blessed . . ."

     84          she climbed into
     85          bed next to
     86          me.

     87          "I just want to
     88          get off the fucking
     89          streets!"

     90          "yeah. I know what
     91          you mean."

     92          "anything on tv?"
     93          she asked
     94          splashing wine into
     95          her glass.

     96          "just one station,"
     97          I said

     [Page 110]

     98          getting up and
     99          turning the set on
     100        again
     101        with sound
     102        and returned to the
     103        bed.

     104        the woman on tv
     105        said to the man
     106        on tv, "you've got
     107        to choose between your
     108        wife and me! I'm
     109        tired of hiding what
     110        we are doing!
     111        I want our love to be out
     112        front
     113        like a marching band
     114        like a flag of
     115        glory!"

     116        the man bowed his
     117        head and
     118        didn't answer.

     119        the one
     120        next to me
     121        in bed:
     122        I refilled her
     123        glass.

     124        by eleven a.m. we'd
     125        both be gone
     126        somewhere
     127        else
     128        and the motel maid
     129        would come in and
     130        clean up
     131        after us.

     [Page 111]

     132        she'd go back to
     133        the streets and I'd
     134        go back to
     135        sometimes
     136        writing about
     137        them.

     138        but meanwhile
     139        we sat up on our
     140        butts
     141        pillows to our
     142        backs
     143        the ashtray
     144        between us on
     145        the bed

     146        we drank our wine
     147        from plastic glasses.
     148        it was a
     149        terrible movie
     150        but it was
     151        nice
     152        sitting there in
     153        the dark
     154        watching it
     155        while
     156        smoking and
     157        drinking
     158        without having
     159        to say
     160        anything.

     [Page 112]

     I fall into it without trying ...

     1            she confessed to me
     2            what made her
     3            do it:

     4            "when I first walked
     5            into your place
     6            I looked around
     7            and it was filthy
     8            but you were the first
     9            man I'd ever met
     10          who didn't have a
     11          tv set,
     12          and it was right
     13          then
     14          that I decided to
     15          fuck you."

     16          of course, what I
     17          didn't like about
     18          that was
     19          somebody else
     20          deciding
     21          anything

     22          so I went out
     23          and bought a second
     24          hand
     25          black and white for
     26          $75

     27          but she still climbed
     28          into bed
     29          with me

     30          so I went out
     31          and purchased a large
     32          screen

     [Page 113]

     33          color tv with
     34          touch control
     35          and she still climbed
     36          into bed
     37          with me

     38          but we played only the
     39          radio
     40          ate sandwiches in the
     41          park
     42          met all her sisters
     43          and waited for it
     44          to end.

     [Page 114]

     good time girl

     1            you had your crowd
     2            out back ... your people just
     3            sitting there and drinking and
     4            listening to you ...

     5            you were competing with
     6            me!
     7            but we danced!
     8            we had a good time!
     9            and god, we laughed too!
     10          you missed Culpepper!
     11          god, Culpepper was funny!
     12          we danced and laughed, that's what
     13          a party's for!

     14          you don't know it, but I went back
     15          there
     16          and I saw you with 3 or 4
     17          people,
     18          god, how somber you all were!
     19          it was like a meeting of the
     20          dead!

     21          well, you tried to compete with me
     22          and you failed!
     23          I'm from the country and we know
     24          how to party!
     25          you think I dance too sexy!
     26          sure I shake my ass!
     27          it feels good!
     28          WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, COVER
     29          ALL THIS WITH A GRANNY DRESS?

     30          I dance close and I follow the man's
     31          lead, I was always taught to follow
     32          the man's lead since I was a
     33          little girl!
     34          in the country, that's natural,

     [Page 115]

     35          there's nothing dirty about it!
     36          you're the one with the dirty
     37          mind!
     38          you're jealous because you can't
     39          dance.
     40          and you don't like people because
     41          you're afraid of them!
     42          I like people and I like parties
     43          and I like to dance!
     44          and so do all my sisters, they'd
     45          drive 2,000 miles to go to a
     46          party!

     47          well, why don't you say something?
     48          you just sit there drinking and
     49          looking at me!

     50          hey, where the hell are you
     51          going?

     52          you're always running out the
     53          door and jumping into your car
     54          and driving off!

     55          well, if you don't want my
     56          pussy
     57          somebody else
     58          will!

     59          you don't know nothin' about
     60          parties, you son of a
     61          bitch!

     [Page 116]

     the lady poet

     1            it was 7 or 8 years ago
     2            we lived together
     3            with our 2 typewriters
     4            working away
     5            and her 2 children
     6            manipulating the room.

     7            she was difficult with
     8            her brats:
     9            "get away! can't you see
     10          that Mama is
     11          typing?"

     12          so they would come to me
     13          and I would
     14          answer their questions be-
     15          tween my beers and
     16          my lines.

     17          I really wasn't too fond
     18          of them
     19          but I wanted the lady to
     20          do well:
     21          poetry was important to
     22          her,
     23          she became very excited
     24          and hammered the keys
     25          as if great verse
     26          was being drilled
     27          into the page.

     28          when she finished a poem
     29          she'd bring it to me
     30          and I'd read it,
     31          "yes, it's good ... but
     32          don't you think it'd
     33          read better if you
     34          began at line

     [Page 117]

     35          4, dropped line
     36          7 ... and then, of
     37          course, you are going
     38          to need an ending
     39          line, I don't like the
     40          ending ..."

     41          "what do you think
     42          the ending should
     43          be?"

     44          "how about ..." and
     45          I would suggest a
     46          line.

     47          "why, yes, of course!"
     48          she'd say, then run over
     49          and reshape the
     50          poem.

                                 [Image]

     51          the lady's poems began to
     52          appear in some of the
     53          little magazines
     54          and soon
     55          she was invited to give
     56          readings at the
     57          local poetry holes
     58          and I went with her
     59          and
     60          listened

     61          she had long hair and
     62          wild, wild eyes, and
     63          she danced and pranced up
     64          there with her poems,
     65          overdramatizing,

     [Page 118]

     66          but she had a great
     67          body
     68          and she
     69          twisted
     70          it
     71          and read and waved her
     72          poems

     73          and the men loved her,
     74          such men as there are in
     75          such places
     76          with their little rhymers
     77          tucked into their
     78          knapsacks
     79          and their neutered faces
     80          glistening---
     81          the applause made the lady
     82          think
     83          that things were really
     84          occurring
     85          and it kept her
     86          twisting
     87          prancing, dancing
     88          and
     89          typing ...

     90          the lady
     91          one night
     92          after lovemaking
     93          told me,
     94          "some day I will be
     95          greater than
     96          you!"

     97          "at many things,"
     98          I replied, "you
     99          already are."

     [Page 119]

     100        we typed together
     101        and apart
     102        for some years
     103        and as such things finally go
     104        it went.

     105        she dissolved to some
     106        desert town
     107        and I repaired to
     108        East Hollywood
     109        where I lived with some
     110        ladies
     111        who didn't give a fuck
     112        about typing at
     113        all, who really didn't
     114        give a fuck about
     115        anything.

     116        I lived through that time,
     117        got away,
     118        moved to a small town
     119        near the harbor
     120        where I began to hear from
     121        the lady poet
     122        again
     123        via phone and letter.
     124        mainly, I was evasive, having
     125        learned some time ago that
     126        going back
     127        doesn't mesh with going
     128        forward.

     129        "you were my muse,"
     130        she said, again and
     131        again, "I can't write
     132        anymore ..."

     133        so, you see, I served a

     [Page 120]

     134        purpose:
     135        and that's
     136        a rather nice thing, don't you
     137        think?

     138        much better, I think, than
     139        being known for being kindly
     140        under stress
     141        or having a big throbbing
     142        dick
     143        waving
     144        forevermore ready
     145        to enter those hungry
     146        thighs
     147        where no man, beast or
     148        god
     149        can stay forever
     150        or even
     151        wants to?

     [Page 121]

     space creatures

     1            they are at the track every
     2            Saturday afternoon: two
     3            immensely fat men
     4            a fat woman
     5            and the fat woman's son
     6            (who is also getting obese
     7            and is the son of one of
     8            the men).

     9            they sit together
     10          eat hotdogs
     11          drink beer
     12          and scream together
     13          during the race
     14          and after the
     15          race.
     16          no matter
     17          who wins
     18          they scream.
     19          between races they
     20          argue while consuming
     21          hotdogs and beer.

     22          I sit and watch them
     23          from a distance.
     24          they are far more
     25          interesting than
     26          the horses or
     27          the war in
     28          Nicaragua.

     29          as I watch
     30          the fattest man
     31          lifts his beercup
     32          (large size)
     33          and gulps down a
     34          mass of suds.
     35          his mouth is

     [Page 122]

     36          strangely small and
     37          he bites at
     38          the cup and
     39          much of the beer
     40          spills out
     41          runs down
     42          each side
     43          of his chin and
     44          onto
     45          his shirt.
     46          he pulls the cup
     47          out of his mouth
     48          and screams:
     49          "SHIT!"

     50          "YOU ASSHOLE!"
     51          the fat woman
     52          screams at
     53          him.

     54          "SHUT UP!"
     55          he screams
     56          back at her.

     57          then they both
     58          sit there
     59          not angry
     60          at all
     61          as if nothing
     62          had occurred.

     63          then
     64          the other
     65          fat man
     66          says:
     67          "I'M GONNA BET
     68          THE 6, THE 3 AND
     69          THE 9!"

     [Page 123]

     70          even though
     71          he's only speaking
     72          it's as if
     73          the average person were
     74          shouting.

     75          the son
     76          is dressed in
     77          red pants
     78          white t-shirt
     79          white tennis
     80          shoes.

     81          the two men
     82          are dressed
     83          in black pants
     84          white t-shirts
     85          and very shiny
     86          black shoes.

     87          they look like
     88          brothers.

     89          the woman is
     90          dressed in a
     91          soiled white
     92          dress
     93          wears faded
     94          green
     95          tennis shoes
     96          without socks.

     97          as I watch she
     98          lifts
     99          her beercup
     100        (large size).
     101        she also has
     102        a tiny

     [Page 124]

     103        mouth
     104        but she has
     105        pinched the edge
     106        of the cup,
     107        made a little
     108        runway.

     109        she drains the
     110        cup
     111        crushes it
     112        flips it off to
     113        one side
     114        belches:
     115        "WHO'S GONNA BUY
     116        THE NEXT FUCKING
     117        ROUND?"

     118        nobody sits
     119        near them.

     120        these,
     121        I think, could be
     122        space creatures
     123        from a distant
     124        planet.

     125        I rather
     126        like them.
     127        their attention span
     128        is limited
     129        but they make
     130        few pretenses.

     131        "I'M GOING TO GARDENA
     132        TONIGHT!" says the man
     133        who isn't quite as fat
     134        as the other.

     [Page 125]

     135        "YOU CAN'T BEAT THOSE
     136        GRAND-
     137        MOTHERS!" says the
     138        fattest.
     139        "THEY SIT ON THEIR
     140        HANDS."

     141        "SHUT UP!"
     142        says
     143        the woman.

     144        the son
     145        in the red pants
     146        never says
     147        anything.
     148        he just sits
     149        around and
     150        stands around
     151        gradually getting
     152        bigger.

     153        then the horses
     154        appear on the track
     155        for the
     156        post parade.

     157        "SHOEMAKER THE
     158        FAKER!" the fattest
     159        man screams at
     160        the world's
     161        winningest
     162        jock.

     163        Shoemaker blinks but
     164        carries on.
     165        having made a
     166        few million

     [Page 126]

     167        he understands the
     168        rancor of
     169        losers.

     170        then the woman
     171        leaps up.
     172        well, she doesn't
     173        leap ... she
     174        rises, a
     175        mountain of
     176        womanhood and
     177        says: "HEY, DIDJA
     178        SEE THAT? THE 5
     179        HORSE JUST SHIT!
     180        HE'S GONNA BE
     181        LIGHTER! THAT GIVES
     182        HIM THE ADVANTAGE!
     183        25 TO ONE! I GOT
     184        MY GOD DAMNED
     185        BET!"

     186        "SIT DOWN!" says the
     187        fattest one. "YOU'RE
     188        BLOCKING OUT THE
     189        SUN!"

     190        I leave then.
     191        go to the betting
     192        window.
     193        I bet Shoemaker the
     194        faker.

     195        when I come back
     196        they're gone.
     197        I don't understand
     198        it.

     199        the race goes

     [Page 127]

     200        off.
     201        Shoemaker comes
     202        in at
     203        5 to one.
     204        I've got him
     205        20 win.

     206        they don't
     207        return
     208        after that
     209        race or the
     210        next.

     211        and I realize
     212        that
     213        they are
     214        gone

     215        I am beset with
     216        an inescapable
     217        sadness

     218        they have gone
     219        somewhere

     220        they are somewhere
     221        else

     222        they are drinking
     223        beer and eating

     224        getting bigger
     225        and louder

     226        these
     227        terrible
     228        obnoxious
     229        undefeated

     [Page 128]

     230        beings.

     231        I miss them.

     [Page 129]

     upon first reading the immortal literature of the world---

     1            the school children
     2            bang closed
     3            their heavy
     4            books

     5            and run
     6            ever so gladly
     7            to the
     8            yard

     9            or

     10          even more
     11          alarming---

     12          back to
     13          their
     14          horrible
     15          homes.

     16          there is nothing so
     17          boring
     18          as
     19          immortality.

     [Page 130]

     the history of a tough motherfucker

     1            he came to the door one night wet thin beaten and
     2            terrorized
     3            a white cross-eyed tailless cat
     4            I took him in and fed him and he stayed
     5            grew to trust me until a friend drove up the driveway

     6            and ran him over
     7            I took what was left to a vet who said, "not much
     8            chance ... give him these pills ... his backbone
     9            is crushed, but it was crushed before and somehow
     10          mended, if he lives he'll never walk, look at
     11          these x-rays, he's been shot, look here, the pellets
     12          are still there ... also, he once had a tail, somebody

     13          cut it off ..."

     14          I took the cat back, it was a hot summer, one of the
     15          hottest in decades, I put him on the bathroom
     16          floor, gave him water and pills, he wouldn't eat, he
     17          wouldn't touch the water, I dipped my finger into it
     18          and wet his mouth and I talked to him, I didn't go
     any-
     19          where, I put in a lot of bathroom time and talked to
     20          him and gently touched him and he looked back at
     21          me with those pale blue crossed eyes and as the days
     went
     22          by he made his first move
     23          dragging himself forward by his front legs
     24          (the rear ones wouldn't work)
     25          he made it to the litter box
     26          crawled over and in,
     27          it was like the trumpet of possible victory
     28          blowing in that bathroom and into the city, I
     29          related to that cat---I'd had it bad, not that
     30          bad but bad enough ...

     31          one morning he got up, stood up, fell back down and
     32          just looked at me.

     33          "you can make it," I said to him.

     34          he kept trying, getting up and falling down, finally

     [Page 131]

     35          he walked a few steps, he was like a drunk, the
     36          rear legs just didn't want to do it and he fell again,
     rested,
     37          then got up.

     38          you know the rest: now he's better than ever,
     cross-eyed,
     39          almost toothless, but the grace is back, and that look
     in
     40          his eyes never left ...

     41          and now sometimes I'm interviewed, they want to hear
     about
     42          life and literature and I get drunk and hold up my
     cross-eyed,
     43          shot, runover de-tailed cat and I say, "look, look
     44          at this!"

     45          but they don't understand, they say something like,
     "you
     46          say you've been influenced by Celine?"

     47          "no," I hold the cat up, "by what happens, by
     48          things like this, by this, by this!"

     49          I shake the cat, hold him up in
     50          the smoky and drunken light, he's relaxed he knows ...

     51          it's then that the interviews end
     52          although I am proud sometimes when I see the pictures
     53          later and there I am and there is the cat and we are
     photo-
     54          graphed together.

     55          he too knows it's bullshit but that somehow it all
     helps.

     [Page 132]

     our curious position

     1            Saroyan on his deathbed said,
     2            "I thought I would never die ..."

     3            I know what he meant:
     4            I think of myself forever
     5            rolling a cart through a
     6            supermarket
     7            looking for onions, potatoes
     8            and bread
     9            while watching the misshapen
     10          and droll ladies push
     11          by.
     12          I think of myself forever
     13          driving the freeway
     14          looking through a dirty
     15          windshield with the radio tuned to
     16          something I don't want
     17          to hear.
     18          I think of myself forever
     19          tilted back in a
     20          dentist's chair
     21          mouth
     22          crocodiled open
     23          musing that
     24          I'm in
     25          Who's Who in America.
     26          I think of myself forever
     27          in a room with a depressed
     28          and unhappy woman.
     29          I think of myself forever
     30          in the bathtub
     31          farting underwater
     32          watching the bubbles
     33          and feeling proud.

     34          but dead, no ...
     35          blood pin-pointed out of
     36          the nostrils,

     [Page 133]

     37          my head cracking across
     38          the desk
     39          my fingers grabbing at
     40          dark space ...
     41          impossible ...

     42          I think of myself forever
     43          sitting upon the edge
     44          of the bed
     45          in my shorts with
     46          toenail clippers
     47          cracking off
     48          huge ugly chunks
     49          of nail
     50          as I smile
     51          while my white cat
     52          sits in the window
     53          looking out over the
     54          town
     55          as the telephone
     56          rings ...

     57          in between the
     58          punctuating
     59          agonies
     60          life is such a
     61          gentle habit:
     62          I understand what
     63          Saroyan
     64          meant:

     65          I think of myself forever
     66          walking down the
     67          stairs
     68          opening the door
     69          walking to the
     70          mailbox
     71          and finding all that

     [Page 134]

     72          advertising
     73          which
     74          I don't believe
     75          either.

     [Page 135]

     the sickness

     1            if
     2            one night
     3            I write
     4            what I consider to
     5            be
     6            5 or 6 good poems
     7            then I begin
     8            to worry:

     9            suppose the house
     10          burns down?

     11          I'm not worried
     12          about
     13          the house
     14          I'm worried
     15          about
     16          those 5 or 6
     17          poems
     18          burning
     19          up

     20          or

     21          an x-girlfriend
     22          getting in
     23          here
     24          while I'm away
     25          and stealing or
     26          destroying
     27          the poems.

     28          after writing
     29          5 or 6 poems
     30          I am fairly
     31          drunk
     32          and
     33          I sit

     [Page 136]

     34          having a few
     35          more
     36          drinks
     37          while deciding
     38          where to hide
     39          the poems.

     40          sometimes I
     41          hide the poems
     42          while
     43          thinking about
     44          hiding
     45          them
     46          and when I
     47          decide to
     48          hide them
     49          I can't find
     50          them ...

     51          then
     52          begins the
     53          search

     54          and the
     55          whole room is
     56          a mass of
     57          papers
     58          anyhow

     59          and

     60          I'm very clever
     61          at
     62          hiding poems
     63          perhaps more
     64          clever than I
     65          am
     66          at

     [Page 137]

     67          writing
     68          them.

     69          so
     70          then
     71          I find them
     72          have another
     73          drink

     74          hide them
     75          again

     76          forget it
     77          then
     78          go
     79          to sleep ...

     80          to awaken in
     81          late morning
     82          to remember
     83          the poems
     84          and
     85          begin the
     86          search
     87          again ...

     88          usually only a
     89          ten or fifteen
     90          minute
     91          period of
     92          agony

     93          to find
     94          them
     95          and read
     96          them
     97          and then
     98          not like them

     [Page 138]

     99          very much

     100        but you know
     101        after all
     102        that
     103        work

     104        all that
     105        drinking
     106        hiding
     107        searching
     108        finding

     109        I decide
     110        it's only
     111        fair
     112        to send
     113        them
     114        out
     115        as a
     116        record of
     117        my travail

     118        which
     119        if accepted
     120        will appear in
     121        a little
     122        magazine
     123        circulation
     124        between
     125        100 and
     126        750

     127        a year-and
     128        one-half
     129        later

     130        maybe.

     [Page 139]

     131        it's
     132        worth
     133        it.

     [Page 140]

     an old buddy

     1            he writes to the editors
     2            telling them that
     3            I'm finished
     4            and encloses masses
     5            of his manuscript
     6            which
     7            when returned
     8            goads him into
     9            vitriolic
     10          response.

     11          it's possible,
     12          of course,
     13          that I'm
     14          finished;
     15          one gets
     16          finished
     17          one way or
     18          the
     19          other.

     20          I think he's
     21          a pretty good
     22          writer
     23          but I wish
     24          he'd go about
     25          submitting his work
     26          without trumpeting
     27          that I'm
     28          dead and done.

     29          class under duress
     30          often creates a
     31          strange and lucky kind
     32          of nobility

     33          as I used to
     34          try to tell him

     [Page 141]

     35          when I finally
     36          got a chance to
     37          talk

     38          as we drank
     39          together
     40          in the old
     41          days

     42          when
     43          we were both
     44          failed
     45          writers.

     [Page 142]

     take it

     1            got it down so tight the hinges squeaked.
     2            threw out all three cats
     3            drove over the two bridges
     4            picked up $414.00 at the harness races
     5            came in
     6            listened to Shostakovitch's First
     7            then finally
     8            cleaned the ring out of the bathtub
     9            filled it
     10          bathed while drinking a bottle of
     11          chilled white wine
     12          then
     13          toweled off
     14          got into bed
     15          legs pointed east
     16          I
     17          inhaled
     18          then
     19          let it out:
     20          the pain and defeat
     21          of the world.
     22          then I
     23          slept like a baby
     24          with big fat balls and
     25          silver hair.

     [Page 143]

     John Dillinger marches on

     1            I sometimes write about the 30's because
     2            they were a good training ground.
     3            people learned to live with adversity
     4            as a common everyday thing
     5            when trouble came
     6            they adjusted and made the next move,
     7            and if there wasn't one
     8            they often created
     9            one.

     10          and the people who had jobs
     11          did them with artistry.
     12          a garage mechanic could fix your
     13          car.
     14          doctors made house calls.
     15          cab drivers not only knew every
     16          street in town
     17          but they were also versed in
     18          philosophy.
     19          pharmacists would walk up to you
     20          in drugstores and ask you what you
     21          needed.
     22          the ushers in movie houses were more
     23          handsome than the movie
     24          stars.
     25          people made their own clothes,
     26          repaired their own shoes.
     27          almost everybody did things well.

     28          now people in and out of their
     29          professions are totally
     30          inept,
     31          how they even wipe their own asses
     32          is beyond me.
     33          and when adversity arrives they are
     34          dismayed,
     35          they quit,
     36          spit it out,

     [Page 144]

     37          lay down.
     38          these, coddled to the extremes
     39          are only used to victory or
     40          the soft way.

     41          it's not their fault, I suppose,
     42          that they didn't live
     43          through the 30's
     44          but I'm still hardly tempted to
     45          adore
     46          them.

     [Page 145]

     terminology

     1            my other favorite cat seemed to be dying and
     2            I had him in and out of the vet's
     3            for x-rays, consultations, injections,
     4            operations

     5            "anything at all," I told the doc,
     6            "let's try to keep him going ..."

     7            one morning I drove over to pick him
     8            up and the girl at the counter
     9            a vast girl in a wrap-around white
     10          nurse's outfit
     11          asked me, "do you want your cat put
     12          to sleep?"

     13          "what?" I asked.

     14          she repeated her
     15          statement.

     16          "put to sleep?" I asked, "you mean
     17          exterminated?"

     18          "well, yes," she said, smiling with her
     19          tiny eyes, then looking at the card
     20          in her hand she said, "oh, I see it was
     21          Mrs. Evans who wanted it done ..."

     22          "really?" I asked.

     23          "sorry," she said and walked into the other
     24          room with her card and her sorry fat ass and
     25          her sorry walk and her sorry life and
     26          her sorry death and her sorry Mrs. Evans and
     27          both of their sorry fat shits.

     28          I walked over, sat down and opened up a
     29          cat magazine, then closed it, thinking, it's

     [Page 146]

     30          just her job, it's something she does, she doesn't
     31          kill the cats.

     32          when she came into the office again she no
     33          longer quite disgusted me and I opened the pages
     34          of the cat magazine again and looked at and turned
     35          the pages as if I had forgotten everything, which
     36          I hadn't
     37          exactly.

     [Page 147]

     the star

     1            I was drunk and they
     2            got me out of my car
     3            put the bracelets on
     4            and made me lay down
     5            on the roadway
     6            in the rain.

     7            they stood in their
     8            yellow raincoats
     9            cops from 3
     10          squadcars.

     11          the water soaked
     12          into my clothing.
     13          I looked up
     14          at the moon through
     15          the raindrops,
     16          thinking,
     17          here I am
     18          62 years old
     19          and being
     20          protected
     21          from myself
     22          again.

     23          earlier that night
     24          I had attended the
     25          opening
     26          of a movie
     27          which portrayed the
     28          life of a drunken
     29          poet:
     30          me.

     31          this then was
     32          my critical review
     33          of their
     34          effort.

     [Page 148]

     the day the epileptic spoke

     1            the other day
     2            I'm out at the track
     3            betting Early Bird
     4            (that's when you bet at the
     5            track before it opens)
     6            I am sitting there having
     7            a coffee and going over
     8            the Form
     9            and this guy slides toward
     10          me---
     11          his body is twisted
     12          his head shakes
     13          his eyes are out of
     14          focus
     15          there is spittle upon his
     16          lips

     17          he manages to get close to
     18          me and asks,
     19          "pardon me, sir, but could you
     20          tell me the number of
     21          Lady of Dawn in the
     22          first race?"

     23          "it's the 7 horse,"
     24          I tell him.

     25          "thank you, sir,"
     26          he says.

     27          that night
     28          or the next morning
     29          really:
     30          12:04 a.m.
     31          Los Alamitos Quarter Horse
     32          Results on radio
     33          KLAC
     34          the man told me

     [Page 149]

     35          Lady of Dawn
     36          won the first at
     37          $79.80

     38          that was two weeks
     39          ago
     40          and I've been there
     41          every racing day since
     42          and I haven't seen that
     43          poor epileptic fellow
     44          again.

     45          the gods have ways of
     46          telling you things
     47          when you think you know
     48          a lot

     49          or worse---

     50          when you think
     51          you know
     52          just a
     53          little.

     [Page 150]

     the condition

     1            all up and down the avenues
     2            the people are in pain;
     3            they sleep in pain, they awaken
     4            in pain;
     5            even the buildings are in pain,
     6            the bridges
     7            the flowers are in pain
     8            and there is no release---
     9            pain sits
     10          pain floats
     11          pain waits
     12          pain is.

     13          don't ask why there are
     14          drunks
     15          drug addicts
     16          suicides

     17          the music is bad
     18          and the love
     19          and the script:

     20          this place now
     21          as I type this

     22          or as you read this:
     23          your place now.

     [Page 151]

     bravo

     1            summertime dogs
     2            crushed on freeways
     3            as young bodies leap into the
     4            sea
     5            outside rented motels at
     6            Del Mar
     7            as the 4th race unfolds:
     8            a race for
     9            2-year-olds
     10          non-winners
     11          they take the short turn
     12          home
     13          as I stand with
     14          weary
     15          potbelly
     16          fighting the eternal
     17          pattern
     18          light and darkness
     19          spitting
     20          from everywhere

     21          the dogs will die here and
     22          in Normandy

     23          the heart will be held high
     24          like a flag
     25          and potted through the middle
     26          like a cooked
     27          apple

     28          if we can find a band
     29          let the music
     30          play.

     [Page 152]

     a note to the boys in the back room:

     1            I get more and more mimeo chapbooks in the mail
     2            written by fellows who used to know me
     3            in the good old days.

     4            these fellows are all writers
     5            and they write about me
     6            and they seem to remember
     7            what I said
     8            what I did.

     9            some of it is exaggerated
     10          some of it is humorous
     11          and a majority of it is
     12          self-serving---

     13          where I tend to look bad or
     14          ridiculous
     15          or even insane
     16          they always describe themselves
     17          as calm and dependable observers
     18          instead of
     19          (in many cases)
     20          as the non-talented
     21          boring
     22          ass-sucking
     23          pretentious and
     24          time-consuming
     25          little farts
     26          that they were.

     27          I feel no rancor at what they
     28          write.
     29          it's only that I've already done a
     30          better job
     31          with that particular subject
     32          matter

     33          and I would suggest that they

     [Page 153]

     34          move on to the next man
     35          just as my women have
     36          done.

     [Page 154]

     sardines in striped dresses

     1            all right, they're playing Beethoven again; when I
     was
     2            sleeping on that park bench in Texas they were
     playing
     3            Beethoven, when it rained last Sunday and the pier
     fell
     4            into the water they were playing Beethoven; I walked
     on
     5            that pier 55 years ago and now it's down in the
     ocean,
     6            like Atlantis
     7            but things break and vanish, that's not news, got a
     8            letter today from Louise, she says she's leaving the
     9            French Quarter and moving in with her sister in a
     small
     10          town 45 minutes out of New Orleans.
     11          people are getting tired, people are falling down and
     getting
     12          back up, and they are playing Beethoven as the bums
     stop
     13          me outside the post office: "Good morning, sir, have
     you
     14          got a dollar?"

     15          the old aerial circus is falling from the sky, dogs
     and
     16          cats look at me oddly, the Klan appears, vanishes,
     Hitler
     17          sniffles underground between palm tree roots, this
     cheap
     18          cigar I'm smoking, it says Cuba, it says Havana,
     smuggled
     19          all this way to gag me as
     20          they are playing Beethoven, as Beethoven plays
     21          William Saroyan is dead Celine is dead but Fante won't

     22          die
     23          legs chopped off, and blind in his narrow grave he
     won't
     24          die:
     25          3 years laying flat like that in that hospital, what
     is
     26          he thinking?

     27          I want to go quick like a seedless olive into the
     mouth
     28          of a fool, as young girls keep arriving from Des
     29          Moines wiggling like sardines in striped dresses, what

     30          does it mean, listening to Beethoven now?

     31          and now it's over ... "Head for some Palm Springs
     sun,"
     32          the announcer begins as I tune him out and grimace at
     33          this cigar, turn the radio back up: it's
     34          Mahler, the 10th, right after the Bee's 5th, some hell

     35          of a heavy night as pretty much alone here

     [Page 155]

     36          I think of how much I like Somerset Maugham's title
     The Razor's Edge,
     37          then I put out the fucking cigar, drain some wine,
     38          get up, thinking, it's the
     39          same for everybody, more or less, some more, some
     40          less, Celine's dead, Beethoven's quiet a moment:
     41          it's been a world full of the brave
     42          and I love them all
     43          as outside the
     44          Vincent Thomas Bridge arcs in the dark
     45          holding, just now, the luck of us all.

     [Page 156]

     result

     1            the room was small but neat and when I visited him
     2            he was on that bed like a grounded seal
     3            and it was embarrassing, I mean,
     4            coming across with the conversation;
     5            I really didn't know him that well
     6            except through his writing,
     7            and they kept him drugged---
     8            they kept operating, chopping parts of him
     9            away
     10          but being a true writer
     11          Fante talked about his next novel.

     12          blind, and cut away, again and again,
     13          he had already dictated one novel
     14          from that bed
     15          a good work, it had been published
     16          and now he talked to me about another
     17          but I knew he wouldn't make it
     18          and the nurses knew
     19          everybody knew
     20          but he just went on talking to me
     21          about his next novel.
     22          he had an unusual plot idea
     23          and I told him it sounded
     24          great,
     25          and after another visit or two
     26          his wife phoned me one afternoon
     27          and told me that
     28          it was over ...

     29          it's all right, John, nobody has ever
     30          written that last one.

     31          you were really tough on those nurses, though,
     32          and that pleased me, the way you brought them
     33          running in there in their crinkled whites,
     34          you proved me more than right:
     35          my assertion

     [Page 157]

     36          that your power of command
     37          with simple language was
     38          one of the magnificent things of
     39          our century.

     [Page 158]

     suggestion for an arrangement

     1            it would be nice to die at the typer instead of with
     my
     2            ass stuck into some hard bed pan.

     3            I visited a writer friend in the hospital who was
     dying
     4            inch by inch
     5            in the most terrible way
     6            possible.
     7            yet during each visit
     8            (when conscious) he continued to
     9            talk to me
     10          about his
     11          writing (not as an accomplishment but
     12          as a magic obsession)
     13          and he didn't mind my
     14          visits because
     15          he knew I understood exactly what he was
     16          saying.

     17          at his funeral
     18          I expected him to rise from his
     19          coffin and say, "Chinaski,
     20          it was a good run, well
     21          worth it."

     22          he never knew what I looked like
     23          because before I met him
     24          he had become blind
     25          but he knew I
     26          understood
     27          his slow and terrible
     28          death.

     29          I told him one time that
     30          the gods were punishing him because
     31          he wrote so
     32          well.

     33          I hope that I never write that

     [Page 159]

     34          well, I want to die with my head down on this
     35          machine
     36          3 lines from the bottom of the
     37          page
     38          burnt-out cigarette in my
     39          fingers, radio still
     40          playing

     41          I just want to write
     42          just well enough to
     43          end like
     44          that.

     [Page 160]

     the miracle is the shortest time

     1            you know
     2            it was very good
     3            it was
     4            better than
     5            anything

     6            it was like
     7            something
     8            we could
     9            pick up
     10          hold
     11          look at
     12          and then laugh
     13          about.

     14          we were on the
     15          moon
     16          we were in the
     17          god damned moon,
     18          we had it

     19          we were in the garden
     20          we were in the
     21          endless pit

     22          never such a place
     23          as that

     24          it was deep
     25          and
     26          it was light
     27          and
     28          it was high

     29          it got so near
     30          to insanity
     31          we laughed so
     32          hard

     [Page 161]

     33          your laughter
     34          and
     35          mine

     36          I remember when
     37          your eyes
     38          said love
     39          loudly

     40          now
     41          as these walls
     42          so quietly
     43          shift.

     [Page 162]

     transformation and disfiguration

     1            there were always little tragedies
     2            we heard about them on the job
     3            sitting on those stools
     4            eleven-and-one-half hours a night
     5            every bit of outside news
     6            was greeted by us
     7            much like the inmates of a prison camp

     8            every now and then
     9            a courier would come by and say
     10          "it's 3 to 2, end of the 3rd ..."

     11          he never said 3 to 2 who
     12          because
     13          we were able to decipher all that

     14          one night I heard two fellows
     15          talking:
     16          "Ralph checked out early
     17          when he walked into his house
     18          it was dark
     19          his wife and her lover were in bed
     20          they thought he was a burglar
     21          the lover had a gun
     22          and he shot Ralph ..."

     23          "where's Louie?"
     24          I asked one night
     25          I hadn't seen Louie
     26          in a couple of weeks
     27          Louie had two jobs
     28          when he slept I didn't know

     29          "Louie?
     30          Louie fell asleep in bed
     31          smoking a cigarette
     32          the mattress caught fire
     33          he burned to death ..."

     [Page 163]

     34          there were many deaths
     35          among the mail clerks

     36          feeling like an
     37          inmate of a prison
     38          I also felt as if we were
     39          front line troops
     40          under continual bombardment and
     41          attack

     42          when there weren't deaths
     43          there were breakdowns---
     44          people who after years of
     45          sticking letters
     46          just couldn't do it anymore

     47          or there were dismissals
     48          for the slightest reason

     49          it was death and transformation
     50          and disfiguration:
     51          people found
     52          they couldn't walk anymore
     53          or they suddenly
     54          came up with speech defects
     55          or they were shaken by tremors or
     56          their eyes blinked or
     57          they came to work drugged or
     58          drunk or both

     59          it was terror and dismemberment
     60          and the survivors
     61          hunched on their stools wondering
     62          who would be next

     63          the supervisors brutalized us
     64          and the supervisors
     65          were in turn brutalized

     [Page 164]

     66          by their superiors who
     67          were in turn brutalized
     68          by the Postmaster General
     69          who always demanded
     70          more for less
     71          and the public brutalized
     72          the Postmaster General
     73          and it was finally
     74          the little old lady
     75          pruning her garden roses
     76          who was the first cause
     77          of misery for everybody:
     78          Democracy at work

     79          one night I asked,
     80          "where's Hodges?"

     81          (I don't know why but
     82          I was always
     83          the last to know anything
     84          perhaps because I was white
     85          and most of them were black)

     86          there was no reply
     87          about Hodges
     88          who was the meanest soup
     89          and white
     90          to top it all

     91          and I asked again
     92          and somebody said
     93          "he won't be around
     94          for a while ..."

     95          and then
     96          in pieces and bits
     97          it was revealed to me:
     98          Hodges had been knifed

     [Page 165]

     99          in the parking lot
     100        on the way to his car

     101        and then
     102        it was inferred
     103        that everybody knew
     104        who did it

     105        "would it be anybody
     106        I know?"
     107        I smiled

     108        it got very quiet
     109        Big George put his mail down
     110        stared at me
     111        he stared at me a long time
     112        then he turned
     113        started sticking his letters again

     114        and I said
     115        "I wonder who's winning
     116        the old ball game?"

     117        "4 to 2,"
     118        somebody said
     119        "end of the 4th ..."

     120        Hodges never came back
     121        and soon
     122        I got out of there too.

     [Page 166]

     the famous writer

     1            when I was a mailman
     2            one of my routes was special:
     3            a famous writer lived in one of those
     4            houses,
     5            I recognized his name on the letters,
     6            he was a famous writer but not a very
     7            good one,
     8            and I never saw him
     9            until this one morning when I was
     10          hungover
     11          I walked up to his house
     12          and he was outside
     13          he was standing in an old bathrobe,
     14          he needed a shave and he looked ill
     15          about 3 years from death
     16          but he had this good looking woman
     17          standing there with him
     18          she was much younger than he
     19          the sun shining through her full hair
     20          and her thin dress,
     21          I handed him his mail over the gate and
     22          said, "I've read your books,"
     23          but he didn't answer
     24          he just looked down at the letters
     25          and I said, "I'm a writer too ..."
     26          he still didn't answer,
     27          he turned and walked off
     28          and she looked at me
     29          with a face that said nothing,
     30          then turned and followed
     31          him.

     32          I moved on to the next house
     33          where halfway across the lawn
     34          a toy bulldog
     35          came charging out
     36          growling
     37          with his putrid little eyes

     [Page 167]

     38          seething
     39          I caught him under the belly with
     40          my left foot
     41          and flung him up against a
     42          picture window
     43          and then I felt much better
     44          but not
     45          entirely
     46          so.

     [Page 168]

     darlings

     1            a world full of successful people's
     2            sons
     3            on bicycles
     4            on the Hollywood Riviera
     5            at 3:11 p.m.
     6            on a Tuesday afternoon.

     7            this is what some of the armies
     8            died to save
     9            this is what many of the ladies
     10          desire:
     11          these stuffed fractions
     12          non-beings
     13          pedaling along
     14          or stopping to chat while
     15          still seated upon their bikes
     16          gentle breezes touching
     17          undisturbed faces.

     18          I understand very little of this
     19          except maybe the armies killed the
     20          wrong people
     21          but they usually do:
     22          they think the enemy are
     23          those they are directed against
     24          instead of those who
     25          direct them:
     26          the fathers of the
     27          darlings.

     [Page 169]

     goodbye

     1            goodbye Hemingway goodbye Celine (you died on the
     same day)
     2            goodbye Saroyan goodbye good old Henry Miller goodbye
     Tennessee
     3            Williams goodbye the dead dogs of the freeways
     goodbye all the
     4            love that never worked goodbye Ezra it's always sad
     it's
     5            always sad when people give and then are taken I
     accept I
     6            accept and I will give you my automobile and my
     cigarette
     7            lighter and my silver drinking chalice and the roof
     that kept
     8            out most of the rain goodbye Hemingway goodbye Celine
     goodbye
     9            Saroyan goodbye old Henry Miller goodbye Camus
     goodbye Gorky
     10          goodbye the tightrope walker falling from the wire as
     the
     11          blank faces look up then down then away
     12          be angry at the sun, said Jeffers, goodbye Jeffers, I
     can only
     13          think that the death of good people and bad are
     equally sad
     14          goodbye D.H. Lawrence goodbye to the fox in my dreams
     and
     15          to the telephone
     16          it's been more difficult than I ever expected
     17          goodbye Two Ton Tony goodbye Flying Circus
     18          you did enough goodbye Tennessee you alcoholic
     speed-freak fag
     19          I'm drinking an extra bottle of wine for you
     20          tonight.

     [Page 170]

     a strange moment

     1            as I was walking through this parking
     2            lot
     3            I saw a crowd gathered about two men
     4            bloodied
     5            in a fist fight
     6            they were cursing and
     7            they were breathing
     8            heavily;
     9            then one man caught a punch in the
     10          mouth
     11          crashed backwards into a
     12          yellow Mercedes
     13          bounced back
     14          dug his fist into the other man's
     15          gut.

     16          I hated that crowd
     17          they were watching like spectators at
     18          a cockfight.
     19          I pushed through
     20          got between the men
     21          caught a fist on the right
     22          temple.

     23          "all right," I said, "that's
     24          enough, it's over."

     25          they stood looking at each
     26          other.

     27          "that's it, go your
     28          ways ..."

     29          one guy turned away but the other
     30          guy charged,

     31          "you son of a bitch!"

     [Page 171]

     32          I caught him and held him
     33          back ...

     34          "that's it, buddy, don't be
     35          an asshole ..."

     36          for a moment it looked as if
     37          he was going to swing on
     38          me
     39          then he put his hands
     40          down and walked away through
     41          the crowd.

     42          I walked to my car
     43          got in
     44          started it
     45          thinking, now what did
     46          you do that for?
     47          that was none of your
     48          business

     49          but I was smiling

     50          I had altered a bit of
     51          ugliness
     52          into something
     53          else
     54          even though
     55          such an act
     56          was against
     57          whatever vague
     58          philosophy
     59          I had
     60          personal or
     61          otherwise ...

     62          and pulling out of the
     63          parking lot
     64          and into traffic
     65          it was crowded

     [Page 172]

     66          and preparing to make a
     67          lane change
     68          I reached for the
     69          blinker lever
     70          touched the wrong
     71          one
     72          and my windshield wipers
     73          began lashing
     74          about
     75          and then I
     76          laughed: back to
     77          normal: it sure felt
     78          more
     79          real.

     [Page 173]

     beauti-ful

     1            one poet used to take
     2            this stringy-haired blonde around
     3            with him to poetry readings
     4            and
     5            she'd sit out in the audience
     6            and now and then
     7            just as he concluded a
     8            poem
     9            the blonde would
     10          breathlessly say:
     11          "beauti-ful ..."

     12          it made him look good
     13          and I was a little jealous
     14          of it
     15          myself:
     16          nobody had ever said that
     17          about
     18          one of my poems

     19          and each time
     20          after she said,
     21          "beauti-ful ..."
     22          it made them
     23          applaud.

     24          he had her planted at
     25          all his readings
     26          this poet who was so good
     27          with the ladies
     28          he had a
     29          gentle smile and
     30          these artistic
     31          dangling
     32          hands
     33          and he dangled
     34          very well
     35          elsewhere

     [Page 174]

     36          it was
     37          told.

     38          I attended these readings
     39          because I was living with a
     40          sex-pot who insisted upon
     41          going to them
     42          and since our affair was
     43          still fresh and
     44          new
     45          I made certain horrible
     46          sacrifices

     47          and he was reading
     48          everywhere
     49          in every little pitiful
     50          hand-out
     51          poetry hole in L.A.
     52          and nearby
     53          parts.

     54          this one night
     55          he had a new girl planted
     56          in the audience
     57          a tinted redhead
     58          wearing fisherman's boots
     59          and a cowboy hat
     60          with a two-and-one-half foot
     61          red feather
     62          but she was as good as the
     63          other:
     64          at certain times
     65          after certain poems
     66          she too would utter the
     67          word:
     68          "beauti-ful!"

     69          and the applause would

     [Page 175]

     70          follow ...

     71          an hour later he was still
     72          tirelessly going
     73          on, and then he finished
     74          one
     75          and his new plant said it
     76          again:
     77          "beauti-ful ..."

     78          and then it came
     79          from the rear
     80          from one of the back
     81          seats:
     82          "No, it wasn't, it was a
     83          piece of shit!"

     84          it was the stringy-blonde
     85          standing up on
     86          one of the seats
     87          holding her paper cup
     88          full of
     89          Thunderbird

     90          and then the applause came
     91          it came and it
     92          rose and it
     93          rumbled
     94          it was perfect and endearing
     95          and unashamed

     96          he had never heard applause
     97          like
     98          that ...

                                 [Image]

     99          and after that night

     [Page 176]

     100        maybe a week later
     101        I was alone
     102        sitting up against the
     103        headboard of the bed
     104        the sex-pot was out
     105        to a reading or
     106        somewhere
     107        and I was into another
     108        beer
     109        going through one of
     110        those
     111        throwaway tabloids
     112        when I came across this
     113        short notice
     114        that a certain poet
     115        had left for
     116        New York City
     117        to seek his fame and
     118        fortune
     119        there.

     120        a beauti-ful city for a
     121        beauti-ful guy, I thought,
     122        bundling the tabloid
     123        and dumping a 3 pointer into
     124        the far-off
     125        basket ...

     [Page 177]

     frozen food section

     1            he'd been fighting it for years:
     2            that thing about
     3            women in the supermarkets bending
     4            over
     5            or just
     6            pushing their carts along---
     7            he felt like grabbing a
     8            buttock
     9            and squeezing---
     10          hardly a sexual
     11          thing,
     12          more like a weird joke,
     13          just something else to do
     14          besides the ordinary,
     15          more in camaraderie than
     16          desire;
     17          he didn't know why his mind worked
     18          that way
     19          and he realized that
     20          one of the niceties of
     21          civilization
     22          was the right to
     23          unmolested privacy,
     24          but there he was
     25          rolling along
     26          and he passed a lady
     27          bending over in the
     28          frozen food section
     29          (she wasn't attractive:
     30          her cheeks sagged beneath a
     31          loose housedress)
     32          and he saw his hand
     33          go out---
     34          there it goes, he
     35          thought---
     36          and the hand
     37          grabbed
     38          one of the buttocks

     [Page 178]

     39          and squeezed,
     40          then
     41          let go ...
     42          it had felt like
     43          an old beachball
     44          underinflated
     45          soft,
     46          and he looked back
     47          and smiled,
     48          and the lady
     49          screamed---
     50          it was the scream
     51          of one being murdered---
     52          then after the tick of a
     53          second
     54          she stopped and yelled:
     55          "That son of a bitch
     56          assaulted me!"
     57          (she pointed the deathly
     58          finger attached to the end of her trembling
     59          right arm at him)
     60          "He grabbed my ass!"

     61          he saw a fat man in a
     62          yellow sweater and orange
     63          walking shorts
     64          running
     65          toward him ...
     66          the fat man's face
     67          was florid with
     68          indignation.
     69          the fat man circled
     70          him
     71          got an armlock on
     72          him
     73          from behind
     74          jammed his shoulder up
     75          into his neck

     [Page 179]

     76          yelling,
     77          "What's the matter
     78          with you, buddy?"
     79          the fat man had the most
     80          terrible case of body
     81          odor,
     82          it was worse than the
     83          pain in his
     84          arm,
     85          then out of nowhere
     86          a cop arrived
     87          and he heard the handcuffs
     88          click
     89          behind him
     90          then felt the vicious
     91          grip of the
     92          cuffs
     93          and a rap
     94          behind his ear.

     95          he was dragged through the
     96          supermarket
     97          and then outside.
     98          it was early evening going into
     99          night
     100        and he was shoved into
     101        the back seat of
     102        the police car.

     103        the faces of the crowd
     104        looked in
     105        at him
     106        as the cop in front
     107        spoke into the
     108        radio
     109        the red lights
     110        whirled
     111        and he remembered

     [Page 180]

     112        the last thing
     113        Meg had said:
     114        "don't forget the
     115        paprika, I know
     116        you're going to
     117        forget the
     118        paprika ..."

     [Page 181]

     how do they get your number?

     1            the dogs of hell have claws like cats
     2            and faces like women
     3            and the doors of hell have numbers on
     4            them
     5            upside down
     6            and to get through them
     7            you have to walk with your hands
     8            using your legs like giant
     9            antennae:
     10          in hell they give the answers
     11          first
     12          and ask the questions
     13          later;
     14          in hell you're always in love
     15          with nothing to love,
     16          and something hates you
     17          for all the wrong reasons;
     18          the cats of hell are all
     19          bunghole
     20          so dry
     21          they want to wink but
     22          can't
     23          your father rules hell and your mother
     24          licks his toes;
     25          in this hell, it's never night
     26          it's always morning
     27          you're always getting up to the
     28          sound of stinking alarms,
     29          it's morning
     30          more and more
     31          leprous light like
     32          the worst of your memories;
     33          in this hell, there are no flames
     34          just this moment
     35          dangling intestines nailed to
     36          mutilated palms
     37          and the phone rings and

     [Page 182]

     38          you pick it up
     39          and somebody speaks through the
     40          instrument
     41          at 8:35 a.m.
     42          "are you the poet,
     43          Chinaski?
     44          we all love you here and we
     45          want you to read at our
     46          bookstore ...
     47          all the beer you can drink, and
     48          who knows? you old fuck, maybe
     49          we can even find a piece of ass
     50          for you somewhere! ha, ha, ha ..."

     [Page 183]

     the old gang

     1            of course, we were all fucked-up, I was suicidal but
     hitting the
     2            shit out of the typer,
     3            couldn't pick anything up off the floor: shirts,
     bottles, shorts,
     4            towels, socks, cans,
     5            I walked about naked and barefoot
     6            stepping onto shards of glass
     7            sometimes feeling it
     8            sometimes not.
     9            at times I tried to pick some of it
     10          out
     11          but I didn't want to get it all
     12          because I'd read somewhere that the glass could work
     its way
     13          through the bloodstream to the
     14          heart and kill
     15          you, yes ...

     16          there was a girl in and out,
     17          a semi-girlfriend called K.
     18          she came along mostly
     19          but sometimes with a thin mad lady
     20          called Sunflower,
     21          and sometimes K. arrived with her
     22          brother N.,
     23          or sometimes all 3 arrived at
     24          once.
     25          anyhow, K. and N. and Sunflower were
     26          all on drugs:
     27          blacks, reds, yellows, whites,
     28          coke.
     29          I had a coke dealer who cut it so
     30          fine
     31          you got a headache just looking at
     32          a line.
     33          I was also on scotch, beer, wine
     34          hitting the shit out of the typer
     35          with K. and N. and Sunflower
     36          banging on my door
     37          usually at 4 or 5 a.m.

     [Page 184]

     38          when I was up
     39          anyhow.
     40          they were more like sharks from hell
     41          than friends
     42          but K. had a fine body and very long red
     43          hair
     44          and she laid it on me
     45          just often enough to keep me on her
     46          leash.

     47          meanwhile
     48          I kept hitting the shit out of the typer
     49          and some luck started
     50          moneywise
     51          which enabled me to escape that
     52          neighborhood
     53          and move to a small town down the
     54          coast
     55          where I continued to hit the shit out of
     56          the typer,
     57          even going back once to see K.
     58          who was drying out in her mother's
     59          home
     60          and as she sat on the edge of her
     61          bed
     62          I told her,
     63          "it's over between us, I don't know how
     64          you got that grab on me ..."

     65          what a gang they had been,
     66          driving their cars without pink
     67          slips, license plates, driver's
     68          licenses, just ripping and roaring, waiting
     69          for the next drug
     70          hit.

     71          last I heard, they were clean,
     72          Sunflower had
     73          vanished,

     [Page 185]

     74          but K. and her brother N.
     75          surfaced in a recent issue of a national
     76          magazine
     77          sober
     78          speaking as reliable sources
     79          about my life
     80          literary and
     81          otherwise.
     82          not that they were unkind, just
     83          inaccurate.
     84          it's well that they didn't
     85          o.d.
     86          but I hope it's their last
     87          hurrah
     88          regarding me,
     89          and I'll never again quite
     90          believe
     91          what other people say
     92          about
     93          writers.

     [Page 186]

     eulogy to a hell of a dame---

     1            some dogs who sleep at night
     2            must dream of bones
     3            and I remember your bones
     4            in flesh
     5            and best
     6            in that dark green dress
     7            and those high-heeled bright
     8            black shoes,
     9            you always cursed when you
     10          drank,
     11          your hair coming down you
     12          wanted to explode out of
     13          what was holding you:
     14          rotten memories of a
     15          rotten
     16          past, and
     17          you finally got
     18          out
     19          by dying,
     20          leaving me with the
     21          rotten
     22          present;
     23          you've been dead
     24          28 years
     25          yet I remember you
     26          better than any of
     27          the rest;
     28          you were the only one
     29          who understood
     30          the futility of the
     31          arrangement of
     32          life;
     33          all the others were only
     34          displeased with
     35          trivial segments,
     36          carped
     37          nonsensically about

     [Page 187]

     38          nonsense;
     39          Jane, you were
     40          killed by
     41          knowing too much.
     42          here's a drink
     43          to your bones
     44          that
     45          this dog
     46          still
     47          dreams about.

     [Page 188]

     sky sign

     1            the falcons have come to the city
     2            and are swooping down
     3            carrying off the pigeons.
     4            the dogs and cats
     5            look back and
     6            run for cover
     7            as a moving shadow falls
     8            between them
     9            and the sun.

     10          I too am worried
     11          stand beneath a palm leaf
     12          and light a cigarette.

     13          I watch the falcon glide
     14          gracefully
     15          above the telephone wires,
     16          it is a beautiful
     17          thing
     18          that falcon
     19          from this distance,
     20          and, of course,
     21          it makes me think
     22          of death
     23          and death is perfectly
     24          proper
     25          yet I throw my cigarette
     26          down
     27          stamp it out,
     28          look up at the bird:
     29          "you son-of-a-bitch ..."

     30          I turn
     31          walk through the doorway
     32          and into the house
     33          as the telephone
     34          rings.

     [Page 189]

     a valentine gift

     1            I sit looking dumbly at this stuffed red devil on my
     desk. I am in
     2            a fix. it
     3            gets like this
     4            sometimes: the magic is elsewhere.

     5            it was with old man Shoemaker at the races
     6            today: he rode the first four winners:
     7            3/5, 2 to one, 6 to one, 8 to one.

     8            you know, sometimes I run out of the money all
     9            night: the poems rear up in the gate, break
     10          their legs, run the wrong way, never finish

     11          but it's the fault of the jock: he's got his
     12          ass on backwards, his mind is up in the palm
     13          trees.

     14          maybe my problem is that I had 5 winners at
     15          the track today. maybe that's all I think
     16          I need.

     17          I knew a guy once who wrote and he too
     18          often went to the track. he always had
     19          the same story for me: "I went bust! I
     20          even blew the bus money home! Jesus Christ,
     21          I had to walk five miles!"

     22          then he'd get to his room and write and
     23          he'd go bust
     24          all over again.

     25          well, I think the idea of the track or the
     26          roulette wheel or whatever else is around is
     27          so that we don't have to sit around all day
     28          thinking, I am a writer.

     29          and the idea of sitting down to the typer
     30          is the same, you don't want to sit there

     [Page 190]

     31          thinking, I am a writer ...

     32          the stuffed red devil looks at me and it
     33          looks like me: fat nose, slit eyes, surly
     34          grin

     35          as some guy on the radio plays bad piano
     36          music all over us
     37          the son of a bitch looks drunk as
     38          his forked tail rests upon a
     39          piece of
     40          blank typing paper.

     [Page 191]

     a sweaty day in August

     1            we were starving
     2            yet drinking
     3            living in a cheap
     4            apartment
     5            always behind
     6            in the rent
     7            there wasn't
     8            much else to
     9            do
     10          but screw

     11          and I was
     12          working away
     13          pumping
     14          pumping
     15          determined to
     16          make it

     17          I had failed
     18          at
     19          everything
     20          else

     21          I wanted to
     22          make it
     23          at that

     24          I groaned
     25          pumped
     26          flailed

     27          5 minutes
     28          ten minutes

     29          so near
     30          so near

     31          it was so

     [Page 192]

     32          ridiculous
     33          in a certain
     34          sense

     35          and
     36          finally
     37          I felt myself
     38          nearing a
     39          climax

     40          victory
     41          at last

     42          and
     43          at the exact moment
     44          I climaxed

     45          for no reason
     46          the alarm clock
     47          went off

     48          and I rolled
     49          off of her
     50          laughing and
     51          spurting

     52          and she asked
     53          angrily, "what's
     54          the matter
     55          with you?"

     56          and that made
     57          it
     58          worse

     59          I kept laughing
     60          and she ran
     61          to the bathroom

     [Page 193]

     62          slammed the
     63          door

     64          and I
     65          wiped off
     66          on the sheet

     67          as the clock
     68          sat there
     69          innocently
     70          reading:
     71          2:30 p.m.

     [Page 194]

     macho man

     1            the phone rings.
     2            I answer.
     3            it's a woman.
     4            she says,
     5            "you are a sick
     6            fucker and I thought
     7            I'd tell you
     8            that ..."

     9            she hangs up.

     10          I am supposedly
     11          unlisted.

     12          it rings
     13          again.

     14          "you wrote this
     15          macho bullshit
     16          but you're
     17          probably a
     18          fag, you
     19          probably want to
     20          suck
     21          black dick!"

     22          she hangs
     23          up.

     24          I am watching
     25          the Johnny Carson
     26          Show.
     27          he amuses
     28          me,
     29          he's so
     30          straight-backed
     31          dressed in his
     32          high school

     [Page 195]

     33          go-to-dance
     34          suit.
     35          he touches
     36          his nose
     37          his necktie
     38          the back of
     39          his neck.
     40          he's a dead
     41          giveaway:
     42          he wants
     43          desperately
     44          to be all right
     45          just like his
     46          audience.

     47          it rings again.

     48          "you don't know
     49          what a real
     50          woman is!
     51          if you ever met
     52          a real woman
     53          you wouldn't know
     54          what to do
     55          with her!"

     56          she hangs
     57          up.

     58          Carson jokes about
     59          his jokes being
     60          so bad
     61          but he has probably
     62          consumed and
     63          murdered
     64          more writers than
     65          Bobby Hope.

     [Page 196]

     66          then she's
     67          back:
     68          "why do you keep listening to
     69          me?
     70          why don't you
     71          hang up?"

     72          I hang up
     73          then take
     74          the phone
     75          off the
     76          hook.

     77          Carson has
     78          finished his
     79          monologue.
     80          smiles.
     81          is delicately
     82          concerned
     83          yet
     84          pleased.
     85          he goes into
     86          his little golf
     87          swing
     88          as the commercial
     89          descends
     90          upon
     91          me.

     92          it's just another
     93          dull night
     94          in San Pedro
     95          as all my
     96          male servants
     97          Kitcha Kubee
     98          Des Man DeAblo
     99          La Tabala
     100        and

     [Page 197]

     101        Swine Herd Sam
     102        stand
     103        with their
     104        black dicks
     105        extended.

     106        I decide to have
     107        my unlisted
     108        number
     109        changed
     110        but meanwhile
     111        remote control
     112        the tv
     113        off,
     114        wave the
     115        fellows
     116        away
     117        and reach for
     118        the pages of
     119        Sam Beckett
     120        as my
     121        cross-eyed white
     122        cat
     123        leaps upon the
     124        bedcovers.

     [Page 198]

     note upon the love letters of Beethoven:

     1            think: if Ludwig were alive today
     2            tooling along in his red sports
     3            car
     4            roof down
     5            he'd pick up all these mad
     6            hard cases on the boulevards
     7            we'd get music like we
     8            never heard before
     9            and he'd still never
     10          ever find his
     11          Beloved.

     [Page 199]

     how I got started

     1            it has taken me decades to realize
     2            why I was usually chosen over the
     3            6 or 7 candidates for those
     4            paltry shipping clerk jobs
     5            in those small business houses
     6            across the nation.
     7            first, I was big---
     8            which meant I could lift heavy
     9            objects.
     10          second, I was ugly---
     11          which meant I was no threat to
     12          the secretaries.
     13          third, I looked dumb---
     14          which meant I was too stupid
     15          to steal.

     16          if I had been running a business
     17          and a guy like me had come to apply
     18          for a job
     19          I would have hired him
     20          right away.

     21          which is rather
     22          the way I ended up anyhow
     23          in another kind of
     24          business.

     [Page 200]

     Krutz

     1            I was in Mannheim when my agent phoned me
     2            at the hotel, he said Krutz wanted to have
     3            dinner with the whole gang, and I told
     4            my agent, o.k.
     5            I thought that was very nice of Krutz
     6            because it was a large gang---my agent, my
     7            girlfriend, a French movie producer and his
     8            girlfriend, and also
     9            3 or 4 other people who were hanging on,
     10          maybe more than 3 or 4.

     11          the next evening found us at the most
     12          expensive restaurant in town, at a large
     13          reserved table with a head waiter and 2 or
     14          3 additional waiters.

     15          Krutz had his girlfriend with him and we
     16          had drinks and appetizers, then some-
     17          body remarked how young Krutz was to be
     18          a leading publisher in Germany.
     19          Krutz just smiled around his
     20          cigar.

     21          Krutz published me.
     22          I smiled around my
     23          cigarette.

     24          my agent was there with his wife; I don't
     25          know how many were at the table, perhaps
     26          12, and I thought what a good guy
     27          Krutz was, not only for publishing me
     28          but also for wining and dining all these
     29          people.

     30          everybody ordered, drank, and waited;
     31          the food was slow to arrive and the
     32          bottles of wine emptied and more arrived via
     33          those gently smiling waiters, and we

     [Page 201]

     34          all laughed and talked and smoked and
     35          drank,
     36          and then the food arrived---such magic:
     37          frogs legs, crab legs, steaks so tender you
     38          could cut them with your fork; and lobsters,
     39          all manner of strange foodstuffs---onions,
     40          greens, creams and gravies, olives, pickles,
     41          delightful unknown specialties;
     42          and hot bread so soft the butter ran through;
     43          it was royal food, food beyond our ken,
     44          and we ate and drank, and finally finished,
     45          and then we drank some more,
     46          they ran out of our favorite
     47          wine and we ordered a new one, and then
     48          it began to get late, quite late, and the waiters
     49          were slower and slower bringing the bottles and
     50          they were no longer smiling, and soon we stopped
     51          laughing and just talked, and then the
     52          bottles stopped arriving;
     53          the head waiter walked up and placed the
     54          bill in the center of the table on a large silver
     55          platter
     56          and it just sat there
     57          as the waiters stood and waited as
     58          we waited.

     59          the bill was near Krutz and we all watched
     60          Krutz but he didn't reach
     61          except into his coat where he ex-
     62          tracted a large and expensive cigar ...
     63          he took the cigar and leisurely began licking
     64          it, turning and licking it, then
     65          he came with the lighter, stuck the cigar
     66          into his mouth, lit it, inhaled contentedly,
     67          exhaling a slow and beautiful stream of gentle blue
     68          aromatic smoke ...

     69          then he waited.

     [Page 202]

     70          the message was obvious
     71          to almost everybody.

     72          I looked at my agent, but he was immune to the
     73          tragedy, he was smiling and talking to
     74          somebody.

     75          I didn't have the money
     76          and I looked around the table:
     77          it was an unbelievable scene as my girlfriend poked
     78          her elbow into my side whispering, "what the hell's
     79          going on?"

     80          Krutz leaned further back in his chair, sucked,
     81          blew out another langorous stream of blue smoke.
     82          then, suddenly, the waiters came forward, removed
     83          all the plates, all the bottles, and all that was
     84          left were our empty wine glasses and our ashtrays.
     85          we all sat there and the waiters waited and the
     86          head waiter waited and there was no more laughing,
     87          no more talking (well, my agent was still busy
     88          talking and smiling away at somebody).
     89          it was agony, it was dirty dirty agony while
     90          Krutz smoked ...

     91          finally, the French director saved us all, he waved
     92          his credit card and the head waiter moved in for the
     93          kill ...

                                 [Image]

     94          we were able to leave then and we met later
     95          outside near the automobiles where Krutz lit a fresh
     96          cigar and his girlfriend gave me a bag of apples
     97          from their garden
     98          which I
     99          thanked them for ...

     [Page 203]

                                 [Image]

     100        back at the hotel
     101        my girlfriend and I each
     102        ate an apple
     103        and she said,
     104        "these are great apples, these German apples ..."
     105        and I said,
     106        "yes, they are."

     107        and when she went to the bathroom
     108        I took my drink and the bag of apples and
     109        I went out on the balcony ...
     110        we were on the top floor
     111        and I hurled the apples
     112        one by one
     113        into the night
     114        into the street
     115        and toward the park
     116        and grabbing the last apple
     117        I really zoomed it
     118        almost going over the side
     119        myself
     120        but, of course, I didn't
     121        and I turned and walked back
     122        in there
     123        feeling better
     124        but not
     125        much.

     [Page 204]

     not to worry

     1            he sits there
     2            big in his chair
     3            contented
     4            and he tells me he
     5            walked out on a
     6            wife and two kids
     7            changed his name
     8            started all over
     9            again.

     10          his new woman
     11          brings us
     12          fresh bottles of
     13          beer.

     14          she's pregnant.
     15          they've already
     16          named the
     17          baby:

     18          Nero.

     [Page 205]

     dear pa and ma

     1            my father liked Edgar Allan
     2            Poe
     3            and my mother liked The
     4            Saturday Evening Post
     5            and she died first
     6            the priest waving smoking
     7            incense above her
     8            casket
     9            and my father followed
     10          a year or so later
     11          and in that purple velvet coffin
     12          his face looked like ice
     13          painted yellow

     14          my father never liked
     15          what I wrote: "people
     16          don't want to read this
     17          sort of thing."

     18          "yes, Henry," said my
     19          mother, "people like to
     20          read things that make
     21          them happy."

     22          they were my earliest
     23          literary critics
     24          and
     25          they both were
     26          right.

     [Page 206]

     not all that bad

     1            was sitting here, drinking a glass of
     2            wine
     3            the phone rang, I left the drink
     4            to answer in the other
     5            room.
     6            came back in a few minutes
     7            sat down
     8            picked up the glass
     9            felt something moving in my
     10          mouth,
     11          Jesus Christ!
     12          I spit it out into the
     13          ashtray:
     14          a fly
     15          wiggling there ...
     16          I picked up the wine glass,
     17          walked into the bathroom
     18          dumped the contents,
     19          then the glass slipped out of
     20          my hand
     21          and rattled in the wash basin.
     22          I rinsed out my mouth, the glass,
     23          then walked back in
     24          poured a new drink.
     25          the fly was still wiggling ...
     26          there we were,
     27          a wino fly and a wino man
     28          at 1:30 a.m.
     29          and now there's another fly
     30          whirling and buzzing
     31          above me
     32          no doubt wanting to join
     33          the party.
     34          well, it could be worse:
     35          I could be drinking with
     36          things that can't
     37          fly
     38          either with their bodies

     [Page 207]

     39          or any other
     40          way.
     41          and you can't
     42          spit them
     43          out.

     [Page 208]

     dogs

     1            someplace in Arizona
     2            at the dog
     3            races.

     4            the dogs were
     5            great
     6            and the boys
     7            led them out
     8            on the track
     9            junior highschool boys
     10          in orange jackets
     11          who should have been home
     12          studying
     13          contemporary history or
     14          biology.

     15          the night was
     16          calm
     17          the track looped in front
     18          of those jagged
     19          mountains
     20          that stood above those
     21          lizard-and-snake-crawled
     22          sands,
     23          the track was my
     24          El Dorado and the crowd was
     25          small
     26          and I came up with
     27          75% winners
     28          none the actual
     29          betting
     30          favorite.

     31          and as she drove me back
     32          she was silent.
     33          she knew I hadn't been thinking
     34          of her
     35          although I had once loved her

     [Page 209]

     36          very much, and I felt sad
     37          for her,
     38          she was very straight at the
     39          wheel
     40          her hair falling into her
     41          face,
     42          she said, "now I guess you want
     43          to get drunk?"

     44          "of course,"
     45          I said.

     46          she was always pissed and that
     47          pissed her more and she hit the throttle
     48          and the speedometer on her dash only went to
     49          85
     50          and the needle went past that
     51          and my window was open and the
     52          air rushed in
     53          and the mountains sped by
     54          and cars leaped aside as she
     55          approached
     56          but a jack rabbit didn't make
     57          it---
     58          one the dogs had failed
     59          to catch---
     60          and the dead carcass was
     61          thrown against the
     62          windshield,
     63          there was a splash of
     64          blood and then the carcass was
     65          gone, and I thought, fuck it, death
     66          I accept
     67          you.

     68          but it didn't happen, we
     69          skidded to a stop
     70          in front of her court

     [Page 210]

     71          and we got out
     72          and went inside
     73          where her sister was
     74          waiting,
     75          and we sat there for
     76          several hours
     77          talking
     78          laughing
     79          drinking tea
     80          (for them)
     81          wine for
     82          me
     83          talking and
     84          laughing
     85          as if everything was
     86          all right
     87          instead of mutilated
     88          and murdered
     89          forever.

     [Page 211]

     hey, Ezra, listen to this

     1            I think I learned much about writing when
     2            I read those issues of The Kenyon Review
     3            over 40 years ago
     4            the light of the starving library room
     5            falling across my starving hands
     6            holding fat pages full of
     7            deliberate glorious
     8            rancor

     9            those critics

     10          those spoiled fat gnats
     11          bellicose

     12          very fine energy
     13          more fulfilling than my
     14          park bench

     15          I learned that words could
     16          beat the hell out of
     17          anything

     18          they were
     19          better than paint
     20          better than music
     21          better than clay
     22          stone
     23          or their
     24          counterparts

     25          yet
     26          wasn't it strange
     27          that all I wanted to do then was
     28          lift the skirt of the librarian and
     29          look at her legs and
     30          grab her panties?

     31          I didn't do it.

     [Page 212]

     32          literary fame can be the consequence
     33          of knowing
     34          when to go wild
     35          and how.

     [Page 213]

     truce

     1            I need to walk down a sidewalk
     2            somewhere
     3            on a shady afternoon
     4            find a table
     5            outside a cafe
     6            sit down
     7            order a drink
     8            and I want to sit there
     9            with that drink
     10          and I want
     11          a fly to land
     12          on that table.
     13          then
     14          in the background
     15          I want to hear somebody
     16          laugh.
     17          then
     18          I want to see
     19          a woman walk by
     20          in a green dress.
     21          I want to see
     22          a dog walk by
     23          a fat dog
     24          with short brown hair and
     25          with grinning eyes.
     26          I want to die
     27          sitting there.
     28          I want to die
     29          upright
     30          my eyes still
     31          open.
     32          I want an airplane
     33          to fly overhead.
     34          I want a woman
     35          to walk by
     36          in a blue dress.
     37          then I want
     38          that same fat dog

     [Page 214]

     39          with short brown hair and
     40          grinning eyes
     41          to come walking by
     42          again.
     43          that will be
     44          enough
     45          after all the
     46          other
     47          after everything
     48          else.

     [Page 215]

     the gentleman and the bastard

     1            the L.A. Rams in those days had
     2            what some call color---
     3            each game seemed to go down to
     4            the last second
     5            always before crowds of
     6            100,000 in the good times of
     7            the fifties.

     8            it seemed that the team
     9            who had the ball
     10          last
     11          won the game.

     12          the Rams had two great
     13          ends: Tom Fears and
     14          Crazy Legs Hirsch
     15          and two
     16          huge grinding fullbacks:
     17          Tank Younger and
     18          Deacon Dan Towler

     19          and two
     20          quarterbacks:
     21          Bob Waterfield and
     22          Norm Van Brocklin.

     23          Waterfield
     24          being from U.C.L.A.
     25          was the starter
     26          got the good
     27          press

     28          he was
     29          talented and a
     30          gentleman

     31          but his
     32          back-up

     [Page 216]

     33          Dutch
     34          Van Brocklin
     35          was a nasty
     36          backwoods s.o.b.
     37          without a good word
     38          for
     39          anybody

     40          but after Waterfield
     41          got the team
     42          in the
     43          hole

     44          here would come
     45          Dutch
     46          halfway through the
     47          third quarter
     48          or more often
     49          at the beginning
     50          of the
     51          fourth

     52          fresh and
     53          mean

     54          points
     55          behind
     56          going for broke
     57          throwing
     58          for broke

     59          those high
     60          towering
     61          passes, perfectly
     62          leading his
     63          swift ends
     64          time after
     65          time

     [Page 217]

     66          always fighting
     67          the clock

     68          and then
     69          with the other team
     70          dropping back
     71          for the
     72          pass

     73          here would come
     74          Younger or
     75          Towler
     76          straight up the
     77          middle
     78          breaking through
     79          tacklers as if
     80          they were cotton-
     81          wood
     82          branches.

     83          Dutch pulled out
     84          many a game
     85          and if he didn't
     86          win it
     87          he came so
     88          close
     89          you could cry
     90          with fury
     91          at that last
     92          perfect pass
     93          dropped as the
     94          gun
     95          went off.

     96          Waterfield vs.
     97          Van Brocklin
     98          they called it The
     99          Great Quarterback

     [Page 218]

     100        Debate.

     101        he press sided
     102        with Waterfield
     103        but the facts and
     104        the drama sided
     105        with
     106        Dutch

     107        always working
     108        against the
     109        clock
     110        cursing his
     111        linemen in the
     112        huddle
     113        for missed
     114        blocks
     115        cursing his
     116        ends for not
     117        getting down-
     118        field fast
     119        enough

     120        he was the
     121        guy from
     122        out of
     123        town
     124        trying to
     125        clean up the
     126        mess

     127        he wanted to
     128        get it
     129        done
     130        somehow

     131        no matter
     132        what the

     [Page 219]

     133        hell

     134        and he
     135        usually
     136        did.

     137        early this
     138        year
     139        long before his
     140        time
     141        Waterfield
     142        died

     143        and still
     144        playing
     145        backup
     146        Dutch died
     147        90 days
     148        later.

     149        Waterfield was
     150        a very fine
     151        player
     152        but there was never
     153        any Great Quarterback
     154        Debate
     155        for me.

     156        my heart went
     157        out
     158        to Dutch

     159        and I haven't
     160        been
     161        to any Ram
     162        games
     163        since.

     [Page 220]

     bad action

     1            I got a seat down front and started
     2            working on my figures
     3            and a man in a red shirt and red
     4            pants
     5            sat down two seats away
     6            opened a brown paper bag
     7            and began chewing on a sandwich and
     8            potato chips.
     9            I got up, moved several seats
     10          away,
     11          then I heard a man's voice behind
     12          me:
     13          "let's see, there are seven of us,
     14          aren't there?"
     15          and there were: women and men and
     16          children.

     17          I walked downstairs to the crapper,
     18          found a booth, closed the door,
     19          sat down and began working on my
     20          figures again.

     21          there was a rap from the stall to
     22          my left:
     23          "hey buddy. ... hey, buddy!"

     24          "yeah?" I answered.

     25          "get down on your knees, slip your
     26          cock under the partition and I'll
     27          give you the best blow job you
     28          ever had!"

     29          I got out of there fast, went back
     30          upstairs, found a seat, sat down
     31          and then I felt something under my
     32          right foot: a dead wren.
     33          another reminder of death.

     [Page 221]

     34          the public address system
     35          came on:
     36          "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Flag of
     37          the United States of America!"

     38          we all stood up.
     39          the flag went up.
     40          we all sat down.

     41          sometimes being at the racetrack
     42          is worse than being in the
     43          county jail.

     [Page 222]

     fall out

     1            they are closing the auto plants
     2            out here in California
     3            but a major company is promising
     4            employment to laid-off workers
     5            who will transfer to an Oklahoma
     6            plant
     7            travel expenses
     8            paid.

     9            so now
     10          many of the families are
     11          making the trek
     12          in long caravans of cars
     13          full of children and
     14          possessions

     15          just as in the 30's
     16          their elders had come here
     17          from Oklahoma
     18          in the same way

     19          now they're going back
     20          to Oklahoma
     21          with California accents

     22          Grandchildren of the
     23          Dust Bowl

     24          because Japanese cars are
     25          smaller, cheaper,
     26          better

     27          it's like a little bit of
     28          Hiroshima
     29          in return

     30          or a Japanese horror
     31          movie

     [Page 223]

     32          with an all-American
     33          cast.

     [Page 224]

     my friend

     1            I loved bar room fights.
     2            I fought the biggest meanest men
     3            I could find.
     4            the patrons thought I was
     5            brave.

     6            but it was something else, something
     7            that walked and slept and sat with
     8            me. it ate with me when I ate,
     9            it drank with me when I drank.
     10          I saw it everywhere: in loaves
     11          of bread, on the back of a mouse
     12          running up the wall, I saw it through
     13          torn window shades, I saw it
     14          in the bodies of beautiful women;
     15          I never saw it in the sun but I saw it
     16          in the rain and I noted it in in-
     17          sects; and I saw it riding in buses
     18          and trolley cars;
     19          I saw it in the dresser drawer when I
     20          pulled it open,
     21          I saw it in the faces of
     22          bosses with their dumb wet lips and
     23          little rivet eyes: blue, brown,
     24          green;
     25          I heard it in the click of timeclocks,
     26          saw it spread like powder across the
     27          faces of my landladies;
     28          I saw it on bar
     29          stairways
     30          leading to the 2nd
     31          floor of some rooming house in
     32          Houston, in New Orleans, in St. Louis,
     33          in L.A., in Frisco;
     34          and I saw it in the doorknobs and I saw
     35          it in the rooms, sitting on the
     36          beds
     37          waiting nicely ...

     [Page 225]

     38          and in some bar
     39          after hours of drinking
     40          somebody says, "hey, Hank, you
     41          ever tried Big Eddie?"
     42          Big Eddie grins, I see it in his
     43          teeth, I finish my beer,
     44          nod at him, get up, walk to
     45          the rear entrance, Big Eddie and
     46          the crowd following, and outside
     47          I see it in the moon and the
     48          bricks
     49          as the patrons lay their bets
     50          I am the underdog, and as Big
     51          Eddie charges I see it in his
     52          feet and on the buttons of
     53          his shirt and I hear a horn
     54          sound somewhere far off, and
     55          it's as decent a thing as a man
     56          can know.

     [Page 226]

     a patriot of life

     1            the old guy
     2            next door
     3            he's
     4            83

     5            old Charlie

     6            he runs the
     7            American flag
     8            from the roof
     9            of his
     10          garage

     11          his wife
     12          screams and
     13          nags at
     14          him

     15          so
     16          he has
     17          his own
     18          little place

     19          a shack
     20          he built
     21          next to
     22          the garage

     23          CAPTAIN'S
     24          QUARTERS
     25          he has
     26          painted
     27          across the
     28          door ...

     29          I go over
     30          to see
     31          old Charlie

     [Page 227]

     32          I'm in
     33          trouble of
     34          sorts
     35          and I
     36          find him
     37          in his
     38          CAPTAIN'S
     39          QUARTERS

     40          he's nearly
     41          totally
     42          deaf

     43          I have to
     44          scream
     45          so he can
     46          hear:

     47          "Hey, you got
     48          a crowbar
     49          I can
     50          use?"

     51          "try
     52          my wife,"
     53          he says.

     54          I yell
     55          again:

     56          "I need a
     57          crowbar!"

     58          "oh," he
     59          smiles,
     60          "I thought
     61          you said
     62          'a crow'."

     [Page 228]

     63          I thank
     64          him
     65          tell him
     66          that's not
     67          what
     68          I want

     69          and leave
     70          him
     71          there
     72          sorting
     73          among the
     74          thumbscrews
     75          and
     76          the
     77          ten penny
     78          nails

     79          some
     80          guy
     81          old Charlie

     82          oblivious to
     83          solutions

     84          yet

     85          alone
     86          like the
     87          mountain over
     88          the sea

     89          he makes
     90          a little
     91          of the darkness
     92          retreat.

     [Page 229]

     girls

     1            I used to spend 3 days a week
     2            driving one or the other of the
     3            girls to various pharmacies
     4            on Hollywood Boulevard.

     5            how they got their prescriptions
     6            I don't know
     7            whether they fucked their
     8            doctors or murdered somebody
     9            I don't know

     10          but they got them.
     11          it was some circus.

     12          one of the girls
     13          phoned me: "Eddie is trying
     14          to get my prescription! tell
     15          Eddie to leave me alone!"

     16          I got Eddie on the phone and
     17          told him that I was going to
     18          kick his ass, that I was on my
     19          way over to do just that.

     20          Eddie was her brother.
     21          he lived there.

     22          when I got there
     23          he was gone.

     24          "he couldn't find the pre-
     25          scription," she told me, "I
     26          had it in my mouth. I almost
     27          swallowed it ..."

     28          she showed me the wadded wet piece of
     29          paper, unfolded it and said,
     30          "let's go ..."

     [Page 230]

     31          I don't know what it meant to
     32          me.
     33          usually it meant that when we got
     34          back to my place and I took
     35          some pills with the booze
     36          I'd do something stupid
     37          like busting out the
     38          bathroom mirror or
     39          slicing up my coffee table
     40          with my buck knife.
     41          although the girls looked
     42          fairly good
     43          there was not much sex
     44          involved

     45          it meant
     46          letting one or the other of them
     47          out of my car
     48          at the prescription department
     49          of some cheap pharmacy on
     50          Hollywood Boulevard
     51          at 10:35 a.m.
     52          then looking for parking
     53          finding one of them later
     54          wobbling on high heels
     55          looking helpless
     56          but really totally vicious
     57          snarling off any stupid dreamers
     58          in the sidewalk mob

     59          then seeing me,
     60          moving forward
     61          to another day and night
     62          of pills and
     63          alcohol
     64          uppers downers
     65          vodka wine beer brandy
     66          it didn't matter

     [Page 231]

     67          until we were petrified
     68          out of existence

     69          until the next
     70          time.

     [Page 232]

     ass but no class

     1            one time
     2            there was Rene who
     3            had me drive her to a
     4            department store
     5            just before Xmas
     6            and we walked around
     7            as she stocked her
     8            shopping cart with
     9            little goodies, then
     10          she said, "listen, I
     11          can't pay for these
     12          things, can you buy
     13          them for me?"
     14          "nothin' doin',"
     15          I told her.
     16          "listen," she said,
     17          "you buy this stuff
     18          and I'll fuck you
     19          like you never been
     20          fucked before."
     21          so, I paid.
     22          it came to
     23          $145.63

     24          at the counter she
     25          happened to meet
     26          her friends,
     27          Jeff and Clara
     28          and they
     29          talked.

     30          "listen," she finally
     31          told them, "why don't
     32          we all go to Hank's and
     33          have a drink?"

     34          we went.
     35          we sat around with the

     [Page 233]

     36          drinks.
     37          we drank those and had
     38          some more.
     39          Jeff and Clara
     40          didn't leave.
     41          I saw Rene lean over
     42          to Clara one time and
     43          whisper something to
     44          her.

     45          I got it.
     46          she was saying, don't
     47          leave me here alone with
     48          him.

     49          they all sat about
     50          and then Clara and Jeff
     51          said they had to leave
     52          and Rene said she had to
     53          leave too.

     54          I left it
     55          like that.
     56          I let Rene leave.

     57          she took her purchases
     58          with her.

     59          she was a young girl
     60          and I was an old
     61          man.

     62          I watched them
     63          walking away together
     64          up the walk,
     65          Rene with her
     66          victorious
     67          swish.

     [Page 234]

     68          we'd been to bed
     69          2 or 3
     70          times

     71          she thought, now,
     72          it was enough for me
     73          if she came around
     74          once in a while
     75          wired on speed
     76          while we played
     77          Scrabble all
     78          night.

     79          as they walked away,
     80          I thought,
     81          what an unimaginative
     82          whore,
     83          she has just walked away
     84          from a potential
     85          $200,000.00

     86          I walked into the kitchen
     87          pulled out a beer,
     88          had a hit
     89          and relegated her to a
     90          lifetime of poverty
     91          worse than the one
     92          that I was living
     93          at the
     94          moment.

     [Page 235]

     overhead mirrors

     1            I wouldn't say it was a particularly low time, it was

     2            a time and I tried to adjust spiritually
     3            to most matters.
     4            which meant: not expecting much and not getting much.

     5            but sickness is another matter.
     6            I was living in a cheap court in Hollywood
     7            in between women
     8            and I was buying coke, really
     9            low-grade crap, sniffing that with
     10          beer and scotch.
     11          I got mentally very depressed and physically
     12          sick.
     13          I couldn't eat.
     14          it got so I just ingested
     15          coke, scotch and beer.

     16          one morning it really got to me, I was trembling,
     17          having visions ...
     18          I couldn't even drink water ...
     19          I was
     20          dying.

     21          the only friends I had were a nudey dancer and
     22          a guy who operated a porno bookstore. they
     23          came by.

     24          "listen, this is it," I told them, "I'm
     25          dying ..."

     26          "we'll fix you up," said the porno bookstore
     27          guy (who was also selling me
     28          the watered-down coke).
     29          the nudey dancer shacked with him.

     30          he came back with something pink in a
     31          bottle.
     32          "take this," he said.

     [Page 236]

     33          that was about noon.

     34          about 6 p.m. the phone rang.
     35          I picked it up.

     36          "yes?"

     37          it was the porno guy.
     38          "Hank?"

     39          "yes ..."

     40          "listen, Babs and I aren't working tonight,
     41          we're going to a motel with over-
     42          head mirrors and X-rated tv, we're going to
     43          relax and fuck."

     44          "good luck ..."

     45          "I know you're sick, so we're going to
     46          give you the phone number at the
     47          motel so you can call us in case of
     48          trouble ..."

     49          "sure ..."

     50          "got a pencil?"

     51          "yeh ..."

     52          "it's ..."

     53          he gave me the number.
     54          I didn't have a pencil, I couldn't
     55          move.

     56          "thanks," I said.

     [Page 237]

                                 [Image]

     57          it was one of those nights you remember.
     58          (if you don't fight death it will
     59          just move in.)
     60          at times I
     61          got up
     62          and walked around
     63          turned the radio off and on, flushed the toilet
     64          now and then, ran all the faucets in the place,
     65          then shut them off, turned the lights off and
     66          on, got back on the bed, rested but not too long,
     67          got up, sipped water out of the tap,
     68          sat in a chair and took some coins
     69          out of my pocket and counted them: 25, 26, 27
     70          cents ...
     71          I kept turning the water off and on, the lights
     72          off and on, counting the coins and also very
     73          sensibly putting one shoe parallel to the
     74          other shoe and so forth ...
     75          as I went about my business I noticed that the
     76          clock hardly moved:
     77          the time always the same: 3:21 a.m.
     78          then all at once, within a
     79          minute
     80          I noticed light coming in under the blinds---
     81          daylight arriving
     82          and when I saw that
     83          I felt a bit better
     84          went to bed
     85          and slept flat on my belly as
     86          usual ...

     87          the next night I was sitting on my couch
     88          drinking a beer and eating a fried egg
     89          sandwich between 2 slices of very dry
     90          bread

     [Page 238]

     91          when

     92          my friends
     93          the nudey dancer and the porno guy
     94          came in.

     95          "how you feeling?" he asked.

     96          "o.k., except it's my last beer and
     97          I'm broke."

     98          "shit, man, come on down to our place,
     99          we got plenty of everything ..."

     100        they did.
     101        lovely place. I stayed with the beer
     102        except for two vodka sevens and one little
     103        yellow pill
     104        and they had the stereo on
     105        but not too loud
     106        and I stayed
     107        smoked two bombers
     108        drank 18 or 19 beers
     109        thanked them and walked back
     110        home ...

     111        the next morning I didn't puke.
     112        I got up, took a good crap, took a
     113        lukewarm bath, dressed and walked to the
     114        corner of
     115        Hollywood and Western
     116        put a dime in the box
     117        got a Herald-Examiner,
     118        remembering decades back when there
     119        was a newspaper in L.A.
     120        called the Herald-Express and another
     121        called the Examiner
     122        and they merged rather than

     [Page 239]

     123        kill each other off,
     124        and carrying that paper back
     125        I felt that I had lived a long
     126        time
     127        though not a very wonderful one,
     128        I took the paper back to my place,
     129        sat on the couch
     130        and began to read it
     131        fascinated, finally, with what the
     132        other people
     133        were doing.

     [Page 240]

     girls from nowhere

     1            the girls from nowhere came
     2            and sat in my chairs and
     3            drank and smoked with me
     4            and got into my bed
     5            like toy children
     6            unreal

     7            but
     8            at times
     9            there were
     10          tiny bits of
     11          marvelous magic

     12          but most of
     13          the time
     14          they were
     15          unattached
     16          to everything

     17          the sky
     18          the ground
     19          the sea
     20          the voice
     21          the laughter
     22          or
     23          the luck.

     24          they were just
     25          going on.

     26          they had some
     27          courage
     28          but not much
     29          kindness.

     30          I always felt
     31          better when
     32          they left

     [Page 241]

     33          and was
     34          unsure why
     35          they
     36          returned

     37          always with
     38          some story of
     39          being abused
     40          which was
     41          probably
     42          true.

     43          but
     44          they were
     45          sometimes tiring
     46          during the long
     47          nights
     48          with their
     49          cursing and their
     50          embittered
     51          slurred
     52          speeches
     53          much hair
     54          falling into
     55          those faces.

     56          the girls from
     57          nowhere
     58          had much
     59          to say.

     60          at times
     61          I found this
     62          (and them)
     63          interesting
     64          enough

     65          explaining it

     [Page 242]

     66          all
     67          with
     68          verve

     69          kicking
     70          their
     71          long legs with
     72          spiked
     73          heels

     74          yet
     75          they always brought
     76          trouble
     77          one way or the
     78          other

     79          especially if I
     80          began to
     81          care
     82          too much.

     83          then
     84          they knew
     85          what to
     86          do

     87          and they
     88          did
     89          it.

     [Page 243]

     making it

     1            I was a frenetic wretch of a man
     2            I was with R. and C. and M. and L. and
     3            we were always fucking and there were arguments
     4            there was unhappiness and my penis hurt
     5            from constant ejaculation
     6            I was sucking breasts
     7            I was down between thighs
     8            I was on top
     9            I was on the bottom
     10          I couldn't remember the last 7 times.

     11          I'd get spasms just sitting in a chair
     12          drinking a beer.
     13          I sat on my reading glasses.
     14          my veins were knotted in large bunches at my temples.
     15          I got toothaches
     16          backaches
     17          headaches
     18          I got flat tires everywhere
     19          I got constipated
     20          I didn't comb my hair
     21          but I was fucking---
     22          sometimes I'd be down there
     23          and she'd be down there
     24          "now when I do it," she'd say,
     25          "you do it ..."

     26          I was standing in bathrooms with wet
     27          washrags
     28          continually.
     29          I couldn't clean the ring out of my toilet
     30          but I was fucking and fighting
     31          with R. and C. and M. and L.
     32          they were always threatening to leave me
     33          and I just couldn't understand them.

     34          I wasn't good at war with women
     35          I was too serious and they were

     [Page 244]

     36          too good at it.
     37          they were smarter than I was
     38          and I felt worse and worse.
     39          the more I fucked them and fought
     40          with them
     41          the worse I felt.

     42          I became totally inept:
     43          I couldn't answer the doorbell or the
     44          telephone,
     45          I failed to make the bed
     46          I couldn't shave
     47          I couldn't brush my teeth
     48          I got WARNING notices from the
     49          phone company
     50          from the water and power people
     51          from the IRS
     52          from Franchise Tax Board
     53          I did send off for my license plate tab
     54          but when it arrived
     55          I promptly lost it ...

     56          But I was fucking
     57          I got some groans from
     58          R. and C. and M. and L. that sounded
     59          real
     60          but I never did ask any of them if
     61          they climaxed.
     62          I sure as hell did.
     63          continually.
     64          the skin of my penis
     65          was raw to the touch---like fire---
     66          the m.d. said no v.d.
     67          he said, "Christ, give that thing a
     68          rest. take a year off. find some
     69          other hobby."

     70          but I continued.

     [Page 245]

     71          I laughed but without happiness.
     72          I had ulcer attacks.
     73          I aged five years in six months.
     74          yet my jealousies
     75          consumed me, my imagination whirled
     76          counter-clockwise in my brain.
     77          I drove my auto recklessly
     78          I lost jobs, found jobs, lost jobs,
     79          drank and smoked continually.
     80          I had insomnia
     81          the skin peeled off the
     82          backs of my hands.
     83          I had no appetite but I kept fucking and
     84          I didn't know how to get out
     85          of it.
     86          I was caught there,
     87          between legs lifted ceiling-
     88          ward,
     89          a man
     90          doing it
     91          again and again and again---
     92          bedsheets, bedsteads, shades, curtains,
     93          pillows, tits, breasts, buttocks.
     94          the smell of love sometimes and the smell of sex
     95          always
     96          with R. and C. and M. and L. ...

     97          but oftentimes
     98          at the most intense and passionate
     99          moments
     100        I wished that I could be that
     101        lonely fellow again
     102        sitting in a movie house with
     103        my bag of popcorn
     104        as all about me
     105        couples sat
     106        side by side
     107        together.

     [Page 246]

     naked at 92 degrees

     1            little to do on a HOT night but swat at
     2            small BUGS and consider the
     3            STOCKPILES

     4            even SEX now brings the threat of DEATH
     5            through new and incurable
     6            DISEASES

     7            now YOU must be prepared to
     8            DIE for your
     9            LOVE

     10          and now
     11          it seems
     12          more and more
     13          we are just sitting
     14          WAITING for
     15          NOTHING

     16          now you must be
     17          prepared to DIE
     18          for
     19          NOTHING

     20          the jails and madhouses
     21          are
     22          FULL
     23          yet there's no
     24          PANIC

     25          not even
     26          here

     27          I kill a flying
     28          insect as the Tower of
     29          Pisa
     30          leans MORE and
     31          MORE.

     [Page 247]

     32          on this HOT
     33          night
     34          in this HOT
     35          room
     36          sucking on
     37          CIGARETTES
     38          and
     39          too LAZY to
     40          PISS
     41          too late to
     42          CARE
     43          we lack the
     44          IMAGINATION to
     45          even
     46          SCREAM.

     [Page 248]

     now

     1            well,
     2            now some eat to forget and some drink to forget and
     some
     3            make love to forget
     4            and some take drugs to forget and some go to movies
     to
     5            forget
     6            and some sleep to forget and some travel to forget
     and
     7            some work crossword puzzles to forget and some
     8            chop wood to forget and some
     9            stand on their heads to forget
     10          but what do they do to remember?
     11          you can't tell me many things they do to remember
     12          like I write this poem to remember to forget

     13          some go to the circus to forget
     14          and some fly gliders to forget
     15          some mix salads
     16          some pole vault
     17          some shave their skulls
     18          some walk through fire
     19          as the water boils over
     20          as the president laces his shoes
     21          as the can can girls can can
     22          there are whole oceans full of the tears of agony
     23          and my father sits across the room from me now with
     24          his big fat jowls of shimmering slime
     25          knowing I'm typing about him now
     26          knowing that I've failed to remember to forget
     27          I switch on the radio
     28          get Stravinsky
     29          note the dirt under my
     30          fingernails

     31          he's
     32          the best.

     [Page 249]

     nice try

     1            best dream I ever
     2            had
     3            I could
     4            fly
     5            in this
     6            dream

     7            I flew over
     8            fields and the
     9            dry brown
     10          hills
     11          and
     12          below me
     13          men, women and
     14          children
     15          were
     16          running

     17          and then
     18          my flying
     19          mechanism began to
     20          fail
     21          falter
     22          and I began to
     23          fall
     24          slowly toward
     25          them
     26          and they
     27          reached up their
     28          hands
     29          and tried to
     30          grab me
     31          but through sheer
     32          and
     33          damnable will
     34          I forced myself to
     35          fly
     36          up

     [Page 250]

     37          again
     38          out of their
     39          reach

     40          and with that
     41          it got
     42          easier and
     43          easier
     44          and I flew
     45          up
     46          up
     47          through the clouds
     48          and out into
     49          the
     50          sunlight.

     51          when I awakened
     52          I was on the
     53          drunktank floor
     54          of the old
     55          Lincoln Heights jail
     56          at North Avenue
     57          21
     58          and not only
     59          didn't I have any
     60          wings
     61          all I had was
     62          my property slip
     63          and somebody was
     64          puking
     65          into the
     66          toilet.

     67          maybe I'd be
     68          an angel
     69          some other
     70          time.

     [Page 251]

     the puzzle

     1            my neighbor is a nice guy but he utterly
     2            confounds me:
     3            he gets up very early in the morning, goes
     4            to work;
     5            his wife works, they have two lovely
     6            children;
     7            he is home in the evening, I sometimes see
     8            the children, briefly see the
     9            wife;
     10          by 9 p.m. all the lights in their house are
     11          out;
     12          and his days repeat themselves like this;
     13          he seems a fairly intelligent man
     14          in his early 30's;
     15          the only explanation for his
     16          routine is that he must
     17          enjoy his
     18          work
     19          believe in
     20          God,
     21          sex,
     22          family.

     23          I don't know why
     24          but over there
     25          I always expect some windows to break suddenly
     26          I expect to hear some screams
     27          hear obscene language
     28          see lights at 3 a.m.
     29          see
     30          flying bottles

     31          but for 5 years now
     32          his routine has remained the
     33          same

     34          so
     35          I take care of these other

     [Page 252]

     36          things for
     37          him
     38          which
     39          I don't think his wife
     40          appreciates:
     41          "Hank, I could have
     42          called the cops
     43          many times but
     44          I haven't."

     45          sometimes
     46          I'd like to call the
     47          cops on them
     48          but I don't think the cops
     49          would understand my
     50          complaint

     51          their red lights flashing,
     52          white-faced in
     53          dark blue:

     54          "Sir, there's no
     55          law
     56          against what they
     57          are
     58          doing ..."

     [Page 253]

     Big John of Echo Park

     1            his wife worked and bought his
     2            pills
     3            and he sat in the big chair
     4            six-feet-two and two-hundred-and
     5            forty-five pounds
     6            with
     7            two thousand pounds of useless
     8            junk spread
     9            about the house.
     10          he gathered and added to
     11          this crap
     12          almost every night
     13          when he was
     14          high.
     15          scavenging the backyards and
     16          garbage cans of the
     17          neighborhood

     18          and I
     19          sat with him often
     20          and we took pills
     21          in mid-afternoon as
     22          the world cranked
     23          away.

     24          he
     25          was really a brilliant
     26          fellow:
     27          one day I
     28          helped him carry out
     29          2 weeks of dirty
     30          dishes
     31          and we spread them
     32          about
     33          in the yard
     34          and he washed them down with
     35          the garden
     36          hose.

     [Page 254]

     37          we took the
     38          pills and
     39          we talked for
     40          hours
     41          days
     42          and he recorded it
     43          all on tape, most of
     44          it useless
     45          gibberish, most of
     46          it
     47          mine.

     48          I saw him
     49          the other day
     50          and he looked as fine
     51          as ever,
     52          hadn't worked in
     53          30 years
     54          not even
     55          at his writing:
     56          the same
     57          22 pages of very
     58          strong
     59          maybe great
     60          writing
     61          re-appearing
     62          in the magazines
     63          and given
     64          from memory
     65          at his
     66          readings.

     67          he knows that
     68          ambition is
     69          bullshit
     70          shuck
     71          and he can
     72          point to

     [Page 255]

     73          the fact
     74          that
     75          over the
     76          decades
     77          it has
     78          destroyed
     79          all those
     80          we once
     81          knew.

     82          "you still with
     83          Sally?" I asked, about
     84          his wife.

     85          "shit," he
     86          answered, "do you
     87          think I'd ever let
     88          a good thing like
     89          that
     90          get away?"

     91          he always had this
     92          way of
     93          easily mastering
     94          any
     95          conversation.

     96          it's a
     97          good thing
     98          for many of us
     99          in this stinking
     100        racket
     101        that he just
     102        doesn't like to
     103        type
     104        too much.

     [Page 256]

     on being recognized

     1            the young girl found me at the track,
     2            told me how much she liked my poems, stories,
     3            novels.

     4            when such moments occur
     5            (and they do, at times)
     6            I find it difficult to respond
     7            because one does not walk about thinking,
     8            I am a writer.
     9            in fact, when you're not writing
     10          you're not a writer.
     11          one forgets.
     12          and so,
     13          one is never quite ready when
     14          reminded.

     15          so there she was, "glad you like my stuff,"
     16          I responded without any originality, then
     17          I became worldly and added, "when you see
     18          my books be sure to buy them ..."

     19          "oh sure, sure," she said
     20          her beautiful eyes very close, her body
     21          very close.

     22          "I gotta bet now," I told
     23          her.

     24          "yes, of course," she
     25          answered.

     26          I walked off thinking about how possibly
     27          thousands of young girls might be reading my books
     28          in their beds.

     29          then as I walked along
     30          I happened to look down
     31          I had been in a hurry to make the first

     [Page 257]

     32          race: I had on one black shoe and one
     33          brown shoe.

     34          original at last, I thought, hope it lasts
     35          until the next time I see a
     36          typewriter.

     37          I made my bet and then went downstairs where
     38          the young girl wouldn't see
     39          the black shoe and the brown shoe
     40          on the famous
     41          writer.

     [Page 258]

     love

     1            answering a letter to somebody in Alaska
     2            the radio has been tuned in to a new wave
     3            group and I have listened to their work
     4            and found that the favorite word in
     5            all their songs is
     6            "love."

     7            the person in Alaska is young but dying,
     8            considering suicide, and he wants to know
     9            what I think
     10          about it all, he wants an answer, he needs
     11          one
     12          and it's a difficult letter to write
     13          as the young boy on the radio sings
     14          "walk out on me now, baby, and I'm
     15          done ..."

     16          I change the station, get some classical
     17          music, then my phone rings, it rings and
     18          it rings
     19          on a hot July night

     20          nothing ever goes as it should, it
     21          goes as it must, and I move toward the
     22          telephone
     23          even as warheads are
     24          constantly shuttled
     25          underground
     26          on hidden railroad tracks
     27          so that
     28          enemy missiles cannot
     29          locate them

     30          I pick up the phone, say "hello,"
     31          and
     32          wait.

     [Page 259]

     the hustle

     1            the readings in those college towns were hell,
     2            of course, but I liked the flying in and out,
     3            drinking on the planes, and I liked the hotels,
     4            the impersonal rooms.

     5            the nights before the readings were best,
     6            stretched out on the bed in a strange town,
     7            the fifth of whiskey on the night stand,
     8            and, you know, those hotels were quiet ...
     9            those southern hotels
     10          and especially those midwestern hotels.

     11          it was a stupid hustle but it beat the factories,
     12          I knew that, but it was humorous to me
     13          and ridiculous that
     14          I was accepted as a POET
     15          but after I examined the work of my compatriots
     16          I no longer minded taking the money
     17          and after hearing some of them read
     18          I hardly felt the impostor at all
     19          although I knew I was a bit crazy
     20          especially after drinking
     21          and that
     22          I just might
     23          some night
     24          take out my hose and start pissing from the
     25          podium ...

     26          some of the profs must have guessed
     27          for after I accepted an invitation to read
     28          most wrote back to me:
     29          "I hope you won't cost me my job ..."

     30          second best, I remember
     31          the adoring eyes of the coeds
     32          but first of all, like I said, I liked
     33          all those hotel rooms the nights before the
     34          readings

     [Page 260]

     35          me sitting up in bed, smoking, sucking
     36          on the fifth, sick of looking at the poems,
     37          thinking, if I can fool them it's all right,
     38          worse have, many more will ...
     39          no wonder this world isn't very
     40          much

     41          then I'd go for a big gulp from the fifth,
     42          say, at 2:30 a.m.---
     43          it was just like being back
     44          home.

     [Page 261]

     sex and / or love

     1            in my dreams
     2            I can hit a home run almost
     3            every time up
     4            if I want
     5            to.
     6            I could bat
     7            .980

     8            but soon they'd
     9            just walk me
     10          every time
     11          I got to the
     12          plate.

     13          so,
     14          that's what
     15          I tell my
     16          women:
     17          I've got to
     18          strike out
     19          now and then
     20          just to make it
     21          interesting ...

     22          don't over-do
     23          it, they
     24          say.

     25          I've got to keep
     26          a low profile,
     27          I tell them,
     28          or I'll get eaten
     29          up.

     30          that's when the
     31          screaming starts

     32          you know, the way

     [Page 262]

     33          they talk you'd
     34          think I wasn't
     35          trying
     36          at
     37          all.

     [Page 263]

     funny

     1            sometimes you are liked for all the wrong
     2            reasons
     3            or hated for all the wrong reasons
     4            or given credit where there is
     5            none.
     6            I once lived with a woman who
     7            said that I was the funniest man
     8            she had ever met
     9            and she often laughed
     10          when I said something serious.
     11          "oh," she'd laugh, "you ought to be
     12          in the entertainment
     13          business!"
     14          but when I tried to be funny
     15          she'd say,
     16          "what the hell do you mean by
     17          that? you're not
     18          funny."

     19          I finally figured it out:
     20          the truth is the funniest thing
     21          around
     22          because you seldom ever hear
     23          it
     24          and when you do
     25          it astonishes you into
     26          laughter.
     27          and when you try to be funny
     28          you often exaggerate the truth
     29          and that's not funny
     30          at all ...

     31          well, this woman and I
     32          finally separated
     33          and the next one never said whether
     34          I was funny or
     35          not,
     36          she just switched on the

     [Page 264]

     37          tv
     38          and laughed right along with
     39          the laugh track
     40          while I sat
     41          demeaned and
     42          depressed.

     [Page 265]

     out of the blue

     1            she phoned me from a far away
     2            state
     3            "I could never argue with you,"
     4            she told me,
     5            "you'd just run out the door.
     6            my husband's not like that,
     7            he sticks like glue.
     8            he beats me."

     9            "I never believed in discussions,"
     10          I said, "there's nothing to
     11          discuss."

     12          "you're wrong," she said, "you should
     13          try to communicate."

     14          "'communicate' is an overused word like
     15          'love'," I told her.

     16          "but don't you think two people can
     17          'love'?" she asked.

     18          "not if they try to 'communicate',"
     19          I answered.

     20          "you're talking like an asshole,"
     21          she said.

     22          "we're having an argument,"
     23          I said.

     24          "no," she said, "we're trying to
     25          communicate."

     26          "I've got to leave," I said and hung
     27          up, then took the phone off the
     28          hook.

     [Page 266]

     29          I looked at the phone.
     30          what they didn't understand was that
     31          sometimes there was nothing to
     32          save
     33          except personal vindication of a
     34          personal viewpoint
     35          and that that was what was going to cause
     36          that blinding white flash
     37          one of these days.

     [Page 267]

     sweater

     1            I had to drive to Palos Verdes to do some business at
     the
     2            savings and loan,
     3            there wasn't much of a line
     4            which was good because there were only two tellers
     5            young ladies
     6            and I got one of them
     7            but she couldn't seem to work
     8            the computer.
     9            sometimes the computer was down.
     10          I waited and watched her struggle.
     11          8 minutes went by.
     12          my lady came back to the window and told me
     13          that the computer wouldn't do something for
     14          her.
     15          "I'm new here," she told
     16          me,
     17          then turning to the other girl
     18          she asked,
     19          "could you help me with this transaction?"
     20          the other girl didn't answer.
     21          my lady tried again: "Louise, would you
     22          please help me with this
     23          transaction?"
     24          "I'll be right back," Louise answered and
     25          closed her window.
     26          she then walked to one of the
     27          tables
     28          where an older woman was talking to a young man
     29          wearing glasses.
     30          Louise stopped about four feet from the
     31          young man
     32          folded her arms and began
     33          listening.
     34          then the young man spoke.
     35          he had on a yellow sweater
     36          only he didn't have it on,
     37          he had it thrown about his shoulders
     38          and the two empty arms hung down over his

     [Page 268]

     39          chest.
     40          they continued to converse as I
     41          watched.
     42          the young man did most of the
     43          talking
     44          and as he did so he swayed
     45          back and forth
     46          ever so slightly
     47          and the arms of his sweater swung
     48          back and forth
     49          back and forth
     50          and he continued to talk and
     51          sway
     52          as I watched the empty arms
     53          of his sweater swing
     54          back and forth.
     55          back and forth.

     56          I don't like people who wear
     57          loose sweaters over their backs
     58          with arms dangling
     59          and these types usually wear
     60          sunglasses pushed back
     61          into their hair
     62          and I could sense
     63          that what he was talking about was
     64          utterly drab
     65          useless
     66          and probably
     67          untrue
     68          and
     69          he had the bland unworried face
     70          of somebody
     71          to whom nothing had happened
     72          yet
     73          and as I watched him sway and
     74          talk
     75          his sweater arms continuing to

     [Page 269]

     76          swing
     77          Louise stood there
     78          four feet away
     79          arms folded
     80          listening,
     81          and I thought,
     82          this fellow has less
     83          sense
     84          than the common housefly,
     85          and this Louise ...
     86          likewise.
     87          she knew I was waiting.

     88          I began walking toward
     89          them,
     90          I had to make the first post
     91          at the racetrack
     92          and these three were
     93          being rude, dumb, as if it was a
     94          natural order of business.

     95          I had no idea what I was going to
     96          say
     97          but it was going to be
     98          good.
     99          they stopped talking as I
     100        approached.
     101        then I heard the voice
     102        behind me:
     103        "Mr. Chinaski!"
     104        I stopped,
     105        turned.
     106        "I got the computer to
     107        function!"

     108        I wasn't too happy to
     109        hear that.
     110        I went back to the counter

     [Page 270]

     111        and we completed the
     112        bookwork.
     113        the girl apologized but
     114        I told her it was
     115        all right.

     116        as I walked toward the
     117        door
     118        I needed to pass the
     119        other three.
     120        they were in the
     121        same positions
     122        and the young man was
     123        still talking
     124        but he no longer
     125        swayed
     126        and the arms of his
     127        yellow sweater
     128        no longer
     129        swung
     130        about.

     131        we'd spoiled each others'
     132        fucking
     133        day.

     [Page 271]

     the skaters

     1            I am sitting at a table in the mall drinking coffee
     while
     2            Linda shops.
     3            I sit above the ice rink where the children skate
     4            in the afternoon,
     5            mostly young girls dressed in blues, reds, whites,
     greens,
     6            purples, yellows, orange
     7            they are all very good, swift, they spin and glide,
     8            there are no collisions. even the tiniest child
     9            very good, all---
     10          tiny, larger and largest---
     11          whirl through the open spaces as if they were one.

     12          I like it, very much, but then I think
     13          as they get older they will stop skating, they will
     14          stop singing, painting, dancing,
     15          their interests will shift to
     16          survival,
     17          the grace and the gamble will disappear.
     18          but let's not feel too bad:
     19          this happens to animals too:
     20          they play so long
     21          then
     22          stop ...

     23          then I see Linda, it appears that she has
     24          found something that
     25          pleases her, she rushes toward my table, she
     26          waves,
     27          laughing.
     28          I stand up, wave, smile,
     29          things seem very happy
     30          as down below us they whirl and
     31          glide.
     32          some moments are nice, some are
     33          nicer, some are even worth
     34          writing
     35          about.

     [Page 272]

     about pain

     1            my first and only wife
     2            painted
     3            and she talked to me
     4            about it:
     5            "it's all so painful
     6            for me, each stroke is
     7            pain ...
     8            one mistake and
     9            the whole painting is
     10          ruined ...
     11          you will never under-
     12          stand the
     13          pain ..."

     14          "look, baby," I
     15          said, "why doncha do something easy---
     16          something ya like ta
     17          do?"

     18          she just looked at me
     19          and I think it was her
     20          first understanding of
     21          the tragedy of our being
     22          together.

     23          such things usually
     24          begin
     25          somewhere.

     [Page 273]

     pace is the essence

     1            as the mailman walked up the hill
     2            he laughed
     3            when he saw me.
     4            I laughed too.
     5            "yeah, Harry, I know:
     6            just an old man with a hose
     7            watering the parkway.
     8            you got me ..."

     9            those guys think it's got to be
     10          war
     11          all the time.
     12          I'm just taking a
     13          rest.
     14          when I finally press that red
     15          button
     16          they'll wish I was
     17          back watering the
     18          gladiolas.

     [Page 274]

     green

     1            I've been drunk in front of cracked bathroom mirrors
     2            in Southern towns of nowhere
     3            holding a paring knife near the jugular vein and
     4            grinning.
     5            that's when I first learned that stage play is
     6            a great substitute for
     7            reality:
     8            the only separation between doing and
     9            pretending to do
     10          being that infinite hairline of
     11          choice: a
     12          choice between nothing and
     13          nothing.

     14          to awaken in the morning, to
     15          find a place of
     16          employment
     17          where the workers accepted everything
     18          but the dream of
     19          escape.
     20          there were so many places like
     21          that.
     22          there was a job in this town
     23          in Louisiana
     24          which I left each evening
     25          tired and dulled
     26          to that night again
     27          pouring glassfuls and
     28          looking out the
     29          window and
     30          thinking about a girl at
     31          work
     32          in an ill-fitting green dress
     33          who cursed continually about
     34          almost everything.
     35          I only wanted to fuck her
     36          once and
     37          get out of

     [Page 275]

     38          town.
     39          I only got out of town,
     40          which means I made a choice between
     41          staying nowhere and going
     42          nowhere,
     43          and I imagine if she's alive she's
     44          still cursing about
     45          something
     46          but I no longer hold the paring knife
     47          near the jugular vein---
     48          the end is getting
     49          close enough
     50          all by
     51          itself.

     [Page 276]

     one for the old boy

     1            he was just a
     2            cat
     3            cross-eyed,
     4            a dirty white
     5            with pale blue eyes

     6            I won't bore you with his
     7            history
     8            just to say
     9            he had much bad luck
     10          and was a good old
     11          guy
     12          and he died
     13          like people die
     14          like elephants die
     15          like rats die
     16          like flowers die
     17          like water evaporates and
     18          the wind stops blowing

     19          the lungs gave out
     20          last Monday.
     21          now he's in the rose
     22          garden
     23          and I've heard a
     24          stirring march
     25          playing for him
     26          inside of me
     27          which I know
     28          not many
     29          but some of you
     30          would like to
     31          know
     32          about.

     33          that's
     34          all.

     [Page 277]

     eating my senior citizen's dinner at the Sizzler

     1            between 2 and 5 p.m. any day and any time on Sunday
     and
     2            Wednesday, it's 20% off for
     3            us old dogs approaching the sunset.
     4            it's strange to be old and not feel
     5            old
     6            but I glance in the mirror
     7            see some silver hair
     8            concede that I'd look misplaced at a
     9            rock concert.

     10          I eat alone.
     11          the other oldies are in groups,
     12          a man and a woman
     13          a woman and a woman
     14          three old women
     15          another man and a
     16          woman.
     17          it's 4:30 p.m. on a
     18          Tuesday
     19          and just 5 or 6 blocks north is
     20          the cemetery
     21          on a long sloping green hill,
     22          a very modern place with
     23          the markers
     24          flat on the ground,
     25          it's much more pleasant for
     26          passing traffic.

     27          a young waitress
     28          moves among us
     29          filling our cups
     30          again with lovely
     31          poisonous caffeine.
     32          we thank her and
     33          chew on,
     34          some with our own
     35          teeth.

     [Page 278]

     36          we wouldn't lose much in a
     37          nuclear explosion.

     38          one good old boy talks
     39          on and on
     40          about what
     41          he's not too
     42          sure.

     43          well, I finish my meal,
     44          leave a tip.
     45          I have the last table by the
     46          exit door.
     47          as I'm about to leave
     48          I'm blocked by an old girl
     49          in a walker
     50          followed by another old girl
     51          whose back is bent
     52          like a bow.
     53          their faces, their arms
     54          their hands are like
     55          parchment
     56          as if they had already been
     57          embalmed
     58          but they leave quietly.

     59          as I made ready to leave
     60          again
     61          I am blocked
     62          this time by a huge
     63          wheelchair
     64          the back tilted low
     65          it's almost like a bed,
     66          a very expensive
     67          mechanism,
     68          an awesome and glorious
     69          receptacle
     70          the chrome glitters

     [Page 279]

     71          and the thick tires are
     72          air-inflated
     73          and the lady in the chair and
     74          the lady pushing it
     75          look alike,
     76          sisters no doubt,
     77          one's lucky
     78          gets to ride,
     79          and they go by
     80          again very white.

     81          and then
     82          I rise
     83          make it to the door
     84          into stunning sunlight
     85          make it to the car
     86          get in
     87          roar the engine into
     88          life
     89          rip it into reverse
     90          with a quick back turn of squealing
     91          tires
     92          I slam to a bouncing halt
     93          rip the wheel right
     94          feed the gas
     95          go from first to second
     96          spin into a gap of
     97          traffic
     98          am quickly into
     99          3rd
     100        4th
     101        I am up to
     102        50 mph in a flash
     103        moving through
     104        them.
     105        who can turn the stream
     106        of destiny?
     107        I light a cigarette

     [Page 280]

     108        punch on the radio
     109        and a young girl
     110        sings,
     111        "put it where it hurts,
     112        daddy, make me love
     113        you ..."